TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN WORST MEN FOUND IN A MEN'S ROOM

1. THE COUGHER
This guy is fooling no one. He derives his name from the fact of what he does. I’m sure you’ve all heard him before. Some guy will be sitting in the toilet seat trying to blast out some rotten trash he got from his late-night Taco Bell run. And you will be there minding your own business as you pee to your heart’s content and then you will hear it—the worst and loudest fart you have ever heard before coming from the stall he’s in. And then what happens next? He tries to cover up the fart by coughing. What the hell is this all about? No one is going to believe that was a cough. Unless you want people to believe you have shit-smelling breath, you idiot. I do not want to hear a cough after this putrid expulsion. I want to hear the sound of air freshener blasting away, you jackass!

2. THE WHISTLER
Another joy to behold. This is the guy who has to stand next to you at the next urinal and start whistling while he pees. It’s like he can’t pee without whistling. I mean, what the hell did this guy’s mom tell him as a kid? “Remember, Junior, whistle while you pee or your penis will be taken over by the Satan himself.” And the worst part, this whistler is usually whistling the crappiest song you can imagine. Why, the last guy was whistling “Achy-Breaky Heart.” And so I have to try not to throw up while pissing because of this nimrod. And to make matters worse, I usually get the crappy song stuck in my head for the rest of the day!

3. THE SPRAYER
This one is just disgusting. If you are eating right now, put down your Big Mac and just read. Trust me on this one. This one’s name comes from his actions in the toilet stall. You’ll be there at the urinal innocently peeing when this guy strikes. All of a sudden out of the toilet stall you hear one loud continuous fart and an unleashing of liquid spraying the toilet bowl. It’s safe to say there is no fiber in that person’s diet. This spray is usually followed by a groan and then a sigh from the sprayer. But the worst part about this for me is this usually happens right when I’m in the middle of a piss and I can’t stop it or it will hurt. Because from this spray comes a smell that washes over the whole bathroom in a matter of 1.25 seconds. Couldn’t this sprayer just go find some open field away from all living matter? The jackass!

4. THE CHATTERBOX
This guy is usually at the urinal next to you. Just when you whip out your big business to start letting the urine fly, this guy feels he must start a conversation. It always starts off with, “Hey, how you doing? Peeing, huh? Me too.” From here it only gets worse. There’s an unwritten rule in the bathroom that if you don’t know the other person at the next stall (unless you’re drunk, then it’s okay) you don’t start lipping it up. I mean, these chatterboxes usually won’t shut up. And they always tell you they’re peeing in the stupidest way. For example, “I’m just here to let the snake do some spitting.” I’m like, what the fuck! But the worst is when they say something about your cock or balls. “Hey, nice shapely balls you got there.” These fuckers!

5. THE PEAKER
This is another person at the urinal, only unlike the chatterbox, they remain completely silent. Now, you would think this is good, until halfway through your pee you get a creepy feeling washing over you. That is when you realize this guy is sneaking peaks over at your dick. If you look over, they quickly look away. But they are usually a dead give-away because you never hear them peeing. They are just there to gaze at you and your man stick. One guy was so intent on looking he could have described my penis to a police sketch artist and been right on. I actually think he may have fallen in love with it.

6. THE FIREMAN
I call this one the fireman because of their actions at the urinal. This guy is freak. There you are minding your own business as your peeing away when this guy starts peeing at the next urinal. And when he pees, you want to get the hell away from him. He starts swaying a lot while he is peeing and then you realize he’s got two hands on his device and he seems like he’s trying to control it like it’s a wild fire hose. The problem here is inevitably you get urine splashed all over the place, and that means you get this buttplug’s urine on your shoe. All I can think is maybe they got the tip of their penis cut off so instead of a nice stream, they get a jet-stream of caustic fluid flying all over the place. Why don’t these guys do the decent thing and just pee in an alley?

7. THE BLOODHOUND
This guy just makes me sick. The way some people get their jollies amazes me sometimes. The bloodhound gets his name for his constant enjoyment of someone else’s flatulation. This sick bastard is the guy you constantly hear sniffing in a horrible-smelling bathroom. I mean, maybe I could understand one sniff. Hell, we all have to gauge how bad it is, but to constantly sniff around like you’re one of those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport is downright foul. I can only imagine if this guy was having sex with a woman and she farted in the middle of it, he’d be in heaven.

8. THE HANDYMAN
Once again, there are unwritten rules in the men’s room that you follow and adhere to. The handyman ignores rule number one—No touching of other men while in the men’s room. This guy will put his hand on your shoulder while you are pissing away and ask you a question. And even after you answer his stupid question, he continues to touch you and talk. Hey, buddy, when I have the lower area out and exposed, you keep your flesh-seeking hands off me, you freaking jerkoff! The worst ones of these handymen are the ones who give you a pat on the butt on their way out.

9. THE OUTHOUSERS
These are a rare breed, but they are out there, so be wary. These guys are the guys you hear in the toilets just exploding. I mean, the second after they are done exploding, the temperature in the men’s room rises about 25 degrees. And right off the bat you are waiting for the courtesy flush. You know, the flush to at least swallow up some of the smell. But do they courtesy flush? No! They just continue on. But their name, the outhousers, comes from what they do next. They just get up and walk out of the toilet stall… without ever flushing! It’s like they’ve been dumping in outhouses all their life, so they don’t have to flush. I mean, why else would someone leave such greenish-brown waste like that for the next person to find? At least animals have the decency to bury their shit, you miserable skag!

10) 95 PERCENTERS
Ladies, it’s time I let you in on a little secret. Do you know why there is a group in this list called the 95 percenters? It is because 95 percent of guys who use the restroom do not wash their hands after pissing or crapping. Yes, yes, it’s true. Why, I’ve heard numerous guys come in and “spray” the bowl, and then get up and calmly walk out without ever washing their filthy paws. That’s why the handyman is even worse after he goes to the bathroom and then touches you in the men’s room. And this number goes up 98 percent when alcohol is involved. I have been at a bar, heard a guy go into the toilet stall, explode liquid out, get up and stroll on out. And a minute later I saw him holding this girl’s face while kissing her. I believe I even saw one of his fingers slip into her mouth. And you know these guys are also butt-pickers. Just a little food for thought to end this with.

AND ONE MORE TO BOOT…

11. THE NEW DADS
I’m sure you’ve all seen these guys at one time or another. They are the new dads who come in with their babies and try to change their diapers. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this… in a normal circumstance, but these dads are the worst. It is like they have never changed a baby’s diaper before and they are trying to learn in a PUBLIC MEN’S RESTROOM!!!! You can only feel sorry for the baby that is having to go through this nightmare. These new dads take forever to get the damn diaper off, and when they finally do they manage to get crap all over everything, and I mean everything. And then they start fumbling around for God knows what in the biggest bag one has ever seen. After everything is said and done and they’ve put the diaper on in the worst possible way, they leave the scene of the crime. And what’s left at the scene? A bunch of baby crap and so much baby powder that you would think that Scarface was in there doing coke. And one more thing—they also are part of the 95 Percenters.

SUNDAY NIGHT STORY RE-PRESENTS: THE NUN WHO DRANK TOO MUCH

THIS IS A REBROADCAST SO YOU MAY REREAD THE FIRST PART BEFORE MOVING DIRECTLY ON TO PART TWO OF OUR STORY. PART TWO IS DIRECTLY AFTER THIS STORY. JUST SCROLL DOWN.

Costume parties are usually a fun and joyous time for me and have been since I was a young strapping boy. Well, maybe except for that time my mom made me dress up like a nun. That sucked. She even made me shave my legs. She said it would have been sacrilege to have unshaven legs as a nun. And having me dress up as one wasn’t? Anyway, that’s beside the point. I used to look forward to costume parties. But that all changed when I went to my friends’ Memorial weekend costume party.

First off, who has a costume party in May? Well, I’ll tell you--my slightly unhinged friends, Channing and Bridget. Ever since these two got married, they have felt it is necessary to celebrate holidays on days other than the nationally recognized day. For instance, they don’t celebrate Christmas on December 25, they don’t celebrate the Fourth of July on July 4, and they don’t celebrate Halloween on October 31. They think it is too commercialized on those days and just conformist to celebrate on those days. In other words, Channing and Bridget are uptight and white.

So my roommate and I get their invitation and see the date. Of course, I’m the first one to say, “Not again.” But what am I to do? I love costume parties. So right away I decide my costume will be a nun. Go figure. My roommate, Eddie, starts laughing his ass off and tells me he knows exactly what he’s going to be. But does he tell me? No! He says, “You’ll see my costume on the day of the party, but I gotta warn you, it’s pretty hideous.” I just go, “Cool. Can’t wait. Pass me the nachos.”

The day of the party arrives and I get into my costume. I must say I look ravishing as a nun, if a nun can look ravishing. Eddie is in his room hemming and hawing about coming out. I finally persuade him to come out and show me his costume, and he does. I couldn’t believe it. That fucker is dressed as me. I immediately started saying, “There is no way in hell you are going dressed as me! Go change!” He just started laughing and said he wasn’t. He had on the same glasses as me, my same hairstyle, everything was just like me, except for Eddies’ lack of the family jewels, but, hey, some guys got it and some guys don’t.

I finally give in and decide to let him go as me. My other friends at the party will probably think Eddie is a dick for dressing up as me. I agree to drive there if Eddie drives back. That way I can get my drink on. Eddie agrees since he is taking medication for “the clap” and cannot drink while on it. At least this way I can unwind at the party and not have to deal with Eddie’s crap there. So, we were off.

Since I’m driving there, Eddie decides he’s in charge of the CD player and starts playing “Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer…really loud. Then the asshole rolls down his window so everyone we pass can hear what the hell we’re listening to. And then what does he do? He starts ducking down so people think it just me listening to it. So there I am dressed as a nun in May blasting out “Can’t Touch This.” Some old couple in the next car at one light just gave me a very dirty look. I kept wondering why they were so offended until I noticed a big bumper sticker on their car that said “Jesus Saves.”

I had enough of this music. I started yelling at Eddie, “Come on, you prick, turn this crap off!” Of course he doesn’t listen to me. And then as I continue driving, he is still distracting me by continuing to restart the song every time it ends. I mean, he is pissing me off so much at this point that I almost run a red light. And the unfortunate thing with the city I live in is they have those damn cameras on some of the lights. You know, those lights that take a picture of you and your car if you run the light. Then about a month later you get a ticket in the mail for $285. Well, I was very close to being in the intersection when the light turned red. I didn’t notice if it took my picture. I started yelling at Eddie that if I get a ticket in the mail, he is paying for it.

We finally arrive at the party and go in. And wouldn’t you know it. Everyone loves Eddie’s damn costume. He is the hit of the party. And do they like my nun costume? No, they think it is creepy, especially since I didn’t shave my legs. What the hell is with these people? Every time someone sees Eddie, they actually started laughing and clapping. I mean, I really don’t think this is so damn funny. I eventually just try to ignore it by drowning myself in booze. And that’s where my other troubles start.

I guess I ended up having way too much booze because I ended up getting into a fight, which is something I rarely ever do. But it really wasn’t my fault. The problem was Eddie. Eddie was getting picked up by all these girls…while he is dressed as me. And then who should walk in the party and start flirting with Eddie—my ex, Sabrina. This was really pushing things too far. Eddie and her end up talking with each other for about an hour, alone! Then I notice they are holding hands. All the while this is going on, I am drinking cocktail after cocktail. And then it finally happens—they kiss. That was it.

I immediately charge off towards them and shout, “Just what in God’s name do you think you two are doing?” They both just look up at me, and then they start laughing. This just pisses me off even more. I mean, Eddie’s supposed to be my friend. You don’t kiss your friend’s ex—it’s a rule of guys! But Eddie just tells me to calm down and leave them alone, but he tells me this by imitating my voice. That was the last straw. I started whacking Eddie with what I had in my hand as part of my costume—a yardstick. And I started letting him have it good. I was wailing on him. And while this is going on I got a horrible flashback to when I was in the fourth grade and Sister Mary Christmas let loose on me with her yardstick, and all because I dropped my pencil on purpose so I could bend over to look up her dress. I had to really, though. I had to see if her legs were hairy or not.

While I am hitting Eddie, I hear laughter coming from the rest of the people at the party. For some odd reason, they think this is the funniest fucking thing they’ve ever seen. That is, everybody except Sabrina. She actually jumps in front of Eddie to stop me from hitting him. So there is my ex trying to protect “me” from hitting me. I couldn’t believe it. By then, everyone had gathered around us, and Channing had to pull me back away from Sabrina and “me”. Then he and Bridget suggested that Eddie take the drunken nun back to her convent. So I got escorted out, but not before watching “me” give Sabrina a deep good-night kiss. I got so disgusted by this sight I ended up throwing up on a guy dressed up as the pope. I hate costume parties. I just wanted to get home. Eddie and I could have it out on the drive home. But what I didn’t know was the drive home was going to be worse than the party in the end.


LOOK DOWN - THERE'S PART TWO!!!

SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: THE NUN WHO DRANK TOO MUCH - PART II

I admit it. I was a drunken mess and probably a little irrational, but I was still completely in the right here. Eddie violated every friend rule this night in one fell swoop. He knew I wanted to get back with Sabrina and he knew how much she meant to me. But did he care? No! There’s no way he could have cared while lodging his tongue towards the back of her throat. I often thought about Sabrina and I getting back together again and that first kiss. I just didn’t think I would be dressed as a nun watching “me” give her mouth a tongue bath!

Eddie and I got in the car and drove away. I immediately started screaming at him. “How could you? I thought we were friends! You are a schmuck!” I knew I was drunk when I starting using words like “schmuck.” Eddie did give me a weird look when I called him a schmuck. He just started laughing. Well, his laughter threw me into a fury and I started whacking him again with my yardstick! I was really going off!

And all the time I’m beating Eddie, I am screaming obscenities as loud as I can. Well, all the obscenities were adjectives preceding the word schmuck for some reason. I was yelling things like, “You fucking pie-faced schmuck! You fucking fetus-faced schmuck! You shit-asshole schmuck!” Man, there’s nothing worse than being a drunken nun who can’t get one word out his head while ranting. And all the while we’re driving, there’s a car right next to us. I finally look over to see who the hell it is. Well, it happened to be that old couple with the “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on their damn car! They are looking at me like I I’m the devil. Great. Just great.

Eddie is roaring now when he sees these people glaring at me. He is laughing so much he almost doesn’t realize the light’s red ahead. He has to slam on his brakes. This sudden stop does me absolutely no good. In fact, my stomach just started turning and turning. And then out of nowhere I started throwing up. I quickly turned my head and expelled onto the back seat. And I threw up a lot. The whole time I am throwing up I hear the old lady in the next car screaming while Eddie is yelling as loud as he can, “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!” So while I am throwing up I somehow manage to retrieve my yardstick and I started whacking Eddie again quite savagely. Eddie just starts laughing really hard. I mean, he is laughing so hard he actually causes himself to fart, and fart really loudly. Then I hear the old lady scream to her husband, “Now that nun is farting! Let’s get out of here, Clifford!” And as their car speeds away, I get a whiff of Eddie’s air pocket. It is horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but for some reason, people with the “clap” have the worst smelling farts. So once I get a whiff of this I started throwing up even more. And Eddie just starts laughing even harder, and then farts again.

Five minutes later, I finally got it all out. And then I started laughing. Eddie just looked over at me and said, “What the hell are you laughing at?” I simply turned to him and said, “I just threw up in your car.” Eddie just smiled and said, “I hate to twist your titties, but I’m driving your car, Sister.” I couldn’t believe I was so drunk I had forgotten. I became so flabbergasted I just screamed, “How could you, you fucking schmuck?” And what did he do? He just turned around to look at the back seat, turned to me and said, “You don’t chew your food very good.” After this moment, I drew a blank about the rest of the drive home.

About a month had passed and Eddie and I had finally mended our friendship. Sabrina had called me and actually apologized for making out with Eddie. She said she was a little drunk too and regrets it. She even said she missed me and wanted to get back together. I was on cloud nine these days. I was so happy I was whistling while I was opening my mail for the day. Everything was going my way. And then it happened. I got a ticket in the mail for running a red light. It was one of these stoplights that take your picture. I couldn’t believe it. It was a picture of me in my car running the light. It was $285. This sucked! And then I noticed the date. It was that Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend. The time the offense was committed was 1:00 a.m. I kept trying to recollect what I was doing that night, but I couldn’t figure it out. And then I looked closer at the picture of me driving. All of the sudden I started coughing. That wasn’t me driving. It was Eddie dressed up as me driving!

When Eddie got home I started screaming at him. “How could you run a red light in my car!” I showed him the ticket and took a long hard look at it. He looked up at me and then took another long hard look at it. I finally asked him what the hell was he studying it for. He said, “Damn, I really looked like you.” I just said, “Jackass, they’re going to think it was me running the red light.” But wait a minute. I should be in the picture dressed as a nun. I looked at the picture again but I was nowhere to be found. I asked him, “Where the hell was I when this was going on?” A smiled just crossed his face and I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer. Eddie said, “You’re not in the picture because you ended up passing out with your head on my lap.” And then Eddie just smiled and sighed. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.

I immediately told Eddie I was going to fight this ticket. And did he offer to help me? No way! He said if he did that he would have to pay the $285. What a friend. I told him I was going to fight this with or without him, and I would just get Sabrina to testify that he was the one driving. Eddie all of the sudden said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, all right, I’ll help you. Just leave Sabrina out of it.” I said, “Good. You’ve finally come to your senses. I knew you’d do the right thing eventua—Wait! Why the hell do you want me to leave Sabrina out of it?” Eddie just looked at me and smiled and sighed. I started screaming at him, “What else happened between you and her?” He just looked at me and didn’t say a word. He just smiled and sighed. I said, “Fine. Don’t tell me. But it’s going to have to come out sooner or later. But either way, you’re telling the judge that that’s you driving.” I then called and got a court date to fight this ticket one week from today. I was going to have my day in court if it killed me. And believe me, it almost did.


TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK (I PROMISE THIS TIME)