WEDNESDAY'S WORD OF THE DAY - BROUGHT TO YOU BY DINGLEBERRIES, THE BREAKFAST CEREAL THAT TASTES AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS

MANDATE

Pronunciation: With a little gusto
Function: For sexual purposes
Etymology: Derived from the Latin word andate-mei
Date: 1969, or just ’69 if you so desire.

1. A command from a superior to a lowlife subordinate.
2. What Heath Ledger issued to Jake Gyllenhaal on Brokeback Mountain.
3. The order my Uncle Thomas always tried to issue me when I was younger and he was intent on exposing himself to me. Though I suppose this might be more Man-boy-date.

MONDAY'S MOVIE REVIEW ON SATURDAY

What a year it was, my friends. David Letterman moved over to CBS and Conan O’Brien took over Letterman’s old show on NBC, Schindler’s List won for the Oscar for Best Picture, Frank Zappa died, and showing at the movies were such comedies as a The Fugitive, The Piano, and Sleepless in Seattle. What a fine year it was. Where were you in 1993? You know where I was? I was becoming enthralled with one of the best movies ever—Untamed Heart.

Now, I’m not your average moviegoer. It takes quite a lot to get me to see a movie, least of all a movie with the word “Heart” in the title, but in this case I was glad I did. If you have not seen this movie, you’ve got to wonder what you have against the classics. And if you did see this movie and disliked it, you’ve got to accept the fact that you may be some sort of sick pervert devoid of any feelings whatsoever. I’m sorry, but somebody had to say it, you bastard.

The movie stars Marisa Tomei as Caroline, a young waitress working in a diner in Minneapolis. Marisa is fresh off her Oscar-winning role from My Cousin Vinny and showed no signs of slowing down here. The part of Caroline required someone soft and yet tough at the same time, and damn it if she didn’t deliver the performance of a lifetime a year after winning the Oscar.

Marisa’s supporting cast was sturdy and annoying, all at the same time. She was supported by Rosie Perez playing the role of her friend and fellow coworker. Rosie is slightly more annoying here than she was in It Could Happen To You, but fortunately she wasn’t the focus of the movie. Marisa’s male lead was none other than Christian Slater, fresh off his blockbuster movie Kuffs. (You might want to rent Kuffs and see where the term “action hero” came from.)

Caroline’s problem in the movie is she is just unlucky in love. Throughout the story, we learn how she has been dumped by her past loves and that they have all in turn broken her heart. She now seems to have resigned herself to the fact that she may never find love. And then guess who we are introduced to? No, not Richard Grieco, damn it! Christian “Young Guns II” Slater, playing the part of Adam. I mean, it was at this point I was thinking, “Maybe he’s just making a cameo and will go away.” I know, wishful thinking, but can’t a little man dream sometimes?

Well, one night our Caroline is walking home on a very snowy, freezing December night from work. It is supposed to be about 2:30 a.m. Two very inebriated hicks who were at the diner earlier drive up to her and start making suggestions to her about going drinking with them. She politely turns them down and continues on her walk. At first, I thought, “What a stupid scene! What’s the fucking point of that?” And then a minute later they confront her on a bridge and make it known they are looking for… sex. It was here I felt a little stupid. You see, I didn’t just think that statement, I blurted it out loud in the theater.

Anyway, now I am totally confused here. I thought these two guys were sweet homosexual lovers. I just thought it was some cool gay subplot thrown in to attract a wider audience, especially in the Bible Belt. But alas, I was mistaken. These were just Minnesota hicks with dicks looking for chicks. So anyway, Caroline gets wind of it and begins to make a run for it, but these two drunken bastards were too quick for her. They eventually catch her and one of them starts to tear off her clothes. (I really don’t know why he tore off her clothes. I mean, any male knows if you whip out your Grieco in freezing weather, it will go from an “outie” to an “innie.”) Well, right before the PG-13 penetration can take place, in walks Adam, otherwise known as Slatanator to you and me.

Let’s just say Adam gives these two possibly homosexual rapists a thrashing, picks up Caroline, who by the way has been knocked out, and carries her all the way home. The next morning Caroline wakes up on her porch and jumps up like she is ready to fight. To her amazement, she is on her porch and Adam is there on the steps. Neither of them says a word and Adam eventually walks off into the snowy morning.

Days later Caroline confronts Adam at the diner and about 45 minutes into the movie, Adam finally speaks. Well, one thing leads to another and they become an item. But it is through this courtship that Caroline comes across a large scar in the middle of Adam’s chest just below the “Moustache Rides” tattoo. She turns to him and says, “What the fuck’s with that scar, bitch?” He just calmly turns to her and tells her he has a baboon heart. See, apparently he grew up in an orphanage and at some point had to have heart surgery and some nun who worked at the orphanage told him he was given a baboon’s heart. What kind of fucked-up shit is that? I mean, I had some mean nuns in grade school, but none that would sink to this level. Sure, I had one nun tell me once I smelled like a baboon, but she was trying to get the class to believe that my odor was causing the smell permeating the classroom, not her noxious farts. She was something special, let me tell you.

So now that we know Adam “supposedly” has a baboon heart, the title of the movie is beginning to make sense. Well, not really, but screw it because I was enthralled. As in all movies, the love of Caroline and Adam cannot exist without obstacles. The main obstacle to their love becomes the return of the rapists. They attack Adam and he dies. Well, not really in that order, but Adam does die in the end. Caroline is mildly distraught. At the funeral she admits to Rosie Perez she was great at loving Adam and that she really was in love. And the movie ends with Rosie saying to her, “Well, honey, at least now he has a tamed heart.” Fade to black. Bring up the credits. Bring up the sad instrumental song.

Normally, I wouldn’t like a movie like this, but damn it, I was fucking crying at the end. Damn you, Slater, for making me cry because you died. Damn you, Tomei, for making me fall in love with you here. Damn you, Rosie Perez, for talking so damn much. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that I went to see this movie on its opening weekend which happened to be Valentine’s Day weekend. My girlfriend at the time hated it and we broke up shortly thereafter. I mean, how could I continue to date someone who is possibly a sick pervert?

So next time you’re thinking about renting a movie to see if you are a sick pervert or not, I suggest putting down the Asian porn you’ve got in your hand and going with this title. I suggest you get yourself a box of tissue and a thank you card, because you will want to thank me for bringing this movie back into your life. But for now, let me just say it was my “untamed” pleasure.