THE SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: THE NUN GOES TO COURT
THE IS THE FINAL PART OF THIS STORY. THE FIRST TWO PARTS ARE DIRECTLY BELOW THIS. IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU READ THEM FIRST, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM ALREADY.
Today I would find redemption in court. Today I would finally right a wrong. Today I would triumph over evil and put balance back into my universe. Today this nun was going to get her salvation, so to speak. Everything was going beautifully. Sabrina spent the night last night and we had made sweet love for hours. We were finally getting back together. I mean, she was more into me now than ever before. She kept saying things like, “We need to always stick together. We belong together. Promise me we’ll stand by each other through good times and bad. Promise me our love will endure.” What could I say? She said this during our sexual romp. I totally promised her. I was so elated I even got up and put on our song on the CD player—“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. That Phil Collins is a fucking genius!
We eventually got up and rounded up Eddie and we all piled in my car and headed off to the courthouse. Eddie still seemed apprehensive about helping me and he just seemed a little uncomfortable the whole ride over there, but as long as he did what he was supposed to do, all would be fine. We stopped so I could use the ATM and get some cash. When I came back to the car, Eddie was sitting in the driver’s seat and he and Sabrina were having a heated argument. I strolled up, opened the driver’s side door and said, “So, what the hell’s going on? And what are you doing in my seat?” There was a bit of a pause and Eddie just said, “Hey, bro, let me drive. You just sit back and relax.” I was skeptical about his motives, but I relented. I deserved to relax. Today was my day.
Well, Eddie, the asshole, took the extremely long way to get to the courthouse. In fact, he took so long we were almost late. We pulled into the parking lot and there were no spaces to be found. So now because of Eddie, we have to find street parking, and fast. But before he could pull out of the lot, I said, “Just drop Sabrina and I off and you go park the car and meet us inside.” Sabrina and I got out and Eddie tore off in my car with reckless abandonment. What an asshole.
We ran to the courtroom where I was supposed to be, I signed in, and five seconds later they called my name. Thank God, just in the nick of time. I took my seat up front, and then the judge came out. The bailiff called out my case and away we went. The judge right away asked me why I was fighting the ticket because the photo doesn’t lie. I replied with, “Au contraire, Your Honor, but it does.” He just gave me a stern look. All of the sudden, he looked really familiar. God, I hope he isn’t one of my parents’ friends or something. He then allowed me to explain myself. And, boy, did I ever.
I explained to him that earlier in the day I went to a costume party with my roommate and we ran into my ex-girlfriend there. My roommate, Eddie, was dressed up as me. Eddie and my now girlfriend regrettably ended up kissing and I got upset and drank too much to drown my sorrows. I was too drunk to drive, so Eddie drove me home in my car and that is Eddie in the picture, not me. So, the ticket rightfully belongs to Eddie. I was so proud of myself for explaining this that when I stopped I thought everybody in the room was going to start applauding. But there was no applause. Just dead silence.
About 15 seconds went by and then the judge spoke. He said, “That is you, not your roommate over there in this picture driving.” I said, “No, Your Honor, it’s Eddie. He was dressed up as me for the costume party.” The judge replied with, “The date on this is the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. Who has a costume party in May?” I said, “Your Honor, my friends Channing and Bridget throw weird parties like this because they don’t subscribe to the standard holidays. They think they’re too commercialized.” The judge just gave me a perplexed stare. I then added, “Oh, they’re white.” He just nodded and said, “Ah, say no more.”
The judge then had Sabrina come up and back up my story. Sabrina basically said the same thing I said. She also added that her and I were back together and that I am an upstanding member of the community. And then it was Eddie’s turn to back up my story. And at first, Eddie was basically saying the same things I had said, only for his version the judge started asking him questions. He didn’t do this for Sabrina. Why was he doing it for Eddie?
He was asking Eddie what happened between him and Sabrina? I was like, what in the hell does that have to do with the ticket? Eddie started saying that they were talking for a while at the party. He said he and Sabrina both agreed they had been attracted to each other for a while. And then they eventually just made out. Then the judge asked Eddie if he really drove home and Eddie said that he did. The judge still had a confused look on his face. He looked at the picture a little closer, looked up and said, “Well, where is your friend in this picture? He didn’t say where he was.” Eddie just went, “Oh, he was passed out.” The judge said, “So he was in the backseat?” Eddie said, “No, he was passed out in the front seat.” The judge asked Eddie how he could drive with someone’s feet across his lap. And that’s when Eddie said, “No, Your Honor, his feet weren’t across my lap, his face was.”
I just put my head in my hands. Sabrina just gasped. The judge just started choking. He quickly drank some water, paused, and asked Eddie if he knew that receiving oral pleasure while driving was a violation called reckless driving. Eddie quickly said, “Oh, no, Your Honor, I’m not gay. He may be, but I’m not. You see, he couldn’t pass out in the backseat because the silly bastard threw up all over his backseat.” All of sudden, the judge’s eyes lit up and he said, “Wait. Was he dressed up as a nun?” Eddie said, “Yeah, he was. How did you know that?” Then the judge sternly replied with, “My wife and I were the couple in the next lane watching him throw up and fart. We were both sickened by this display.”
The judge then turned to me and said, “Do you think it’s funny to dress up as a nun and act like a schmuck in public?” And before I could answer, the judge turned back to Eddie and said, “Now, did you have any drinks at the party?” Eddie responded with, “No, sir, I am the responsible one. I was the designated driver that night.” And then he paused about ten seconds and said, “Besides, I was taking medication that night so I couldn’t drink.” The judge asked, “Medication for what?” Eddie just calmly said, “Oh, sir, for the clap. You know. The judge just shook his head and said, “Well, what happened next?” And what does Eddie do. He doesn’t tell the judge about him running the red light. He tells him how later that night he drove back to the party, took Sabrina to her place and ended up having sex with her. The judge then said, “Son, I meant what happened next, meaning did you drive through that red light?”
I immediately turned to Sabrina and said, “Is this true? Is it!” And she said, “I am so sorry, but you promised me we would endure no matter what, remember?” I said, “You tricked me into saying that while we were having sex! I shouldn’t be held accountable for anything I said while I having sex. I’m not thinking with my right head, damn it!” And then all of the sudden the judge jumps into this conversation and says, “Wait. Miss, did you have unprotected sex with both of these guys?” I’m like, “What the hell does this have to do with my ticket?” The judge just goes, “Shut up in my courtroom, you schmuck. Miss, did you?” Sabrina turned to me, turned to Eddie and then turned to the judge and said, “Yes.” And what does the judge do. He just blurts out, “Holy shit, son, you got a ticket and the clap!” And then he just starts laughing really, really hard.
The judge laughs hysterically for about a minute before he finally composes himself. And then he just turns to me and says, “Son, I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your story. I mean, a costume party in May? I don’t believe any of your story, except for the part where the lady had unprotected sex with both of you guys and ended up giving you the clap. No one could make something like that up. I hereby order you to pay for this ticket. Son, I guess this’ll teach you not to go around dressed up as a nun just for kicks. Case dismissed.” Great. Just great. I was so proud of myself for my explanation and argument about that night. I was so damn proud I expected applause, but in the end all I got was the clap. Fuck!
We all walked in silence back to the car, right after I paid my ticket. Eddie didn’t have any money on him and he just happened to leave his wallet at home. And when we get to the car, what should I find. I find a fucking parking ticket on the window. Eddie parked my car in the red zone! I just crumpled up the ticket and threw it into my car. Eddie got back into the driver’s seat and we pulled away. On the drive, there is complete silence except for a classic rock station playing. We are all sitting there just staring straight forward when all of a sudden “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins comes on. So as we’re cruising towards the free clinic, all I hear is Phil Collins singing:
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space
Just an “empty space,” Phil? I beg to differ. All that’s left to remind me is the clap where the empty space used to be. That Phil Collins is a fucking idiot!!!
Today I would find redemption in court. Today I would finally right a wrong. Today I would triumph over evil and put balance back into my universe. Today this nun was going to get her salvation, so to speak. Everything was going beautifully. Sabrina spent the night last night and we had made sweet love for hours. We were finally getting back together. I mean, she was more into me now than ever before. She kept saying things like, “We need to always stick together. We belong together. Promise me we’ll stand by each other through good times and bad. Promise me our love will endure.” What could I say? She said this during our sexual romp. I totally promised her. I was so elated I even got up and put on our song on the CD player—“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. That Phil Collins is a fucking genius!
We eventually got up and rounded up Eddie and we all piled in my car and headed off to the courthouse. Eddie still seemed apprehensive about helping me and he just seemed a little uncomfortable the whole ride over there, but as long as he did what he was supposed to do, all would be fine. We stopped so I could use the ATM and get some cash. When I came back to the car, Eddie was sitting in the driver’s seat and he and Sabrina were having a heated argument. I strolled up, opened the driver’s side door and said, “So, what the hell’s going on? And what are you doing in my seat?” There was a bit of a pause and Eddie just said, “Hey, bro, let me drive. You just sit back and relax.” I was skeptical about his motives, but I relented. I deserved to relax. Today was my day.
Well, Eddie, the asshole, took the extremely long way to get to the courthouse. In fact, he took so long we were almost late. We pulled into the parking lot and there were no spaces to be found. So now because of Eddie, we have to find street parking, and fast. But before he could pull out of the lot, I said, “Just drop Sabrina and I off and you go park the car and meet us inside.” Sabrina and I got out and Eddie tore off in my car with reckless abandonment. What an asshole.
We ran to the courtroom where I was supposed to be, I signed in, and five seconds later they called my name. Thank God, just in the nick of time. I took my seat up front, and then the judge came out. The bailiff called out my case and away we went. The judge right away asked me why I was fighting the ticket because the photo doesn’t lie. I replied with, “Au contraire, Your Honor, but it does.” He just gave me a stern look. All of the sudden, he looked really familiar. God, I hope he isn’t one of my parents’ friends or something. He then allowed me to explain myself. And, boy, did I ever.
I explained to him that earlier in the day I went to a costume party with my roommate and we ran into my ex-girlfriend there. My roommate, Eddie, was dressed up as me. Eddie and my now girlfriend regrettably ended up kissing and I got upset and drank too much to drown my sorrows. I was too drunk to drive, so Eddie drove me home in my car and that is Eddie in the picture, not me. So, the ticket rightfully belongs to Eddie. I was so proud of myself for explaining this that when I stopped I thought everybody in the room was going to start applauding. But there was no applause. Just dead silence.
About 15 seconds went by and then the judge spoke. He said, “That is you, not your roommate over there in this picture driving.” I said, “No, Your Honor, it’s Eddie. He was dressed up as me for the costume party.” The judge replied with, “The date on this is the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. Who has a costume party in May?” I said, “Your Honor, my friends Channing and Bridget throw weird parties like this because they don’t subscribe to the standard holidays. They think they’re too commercialized.” The judge just gave me a perplexed stare. I then added, “Oh, they’re white.” He just nodded and said, “Ah, say no more.”
The judge then had Sabrina come up and back up my story. Sabrina basically said the same thing I said. She also added that her and I were back together and that I am an upstanding member of the community. And then it was Eddie’s turn to back up my story. And at first, Eddie was basically saying the same things I had said, only for his version the judge started asking him questions. He didn’t do this for Sabrina. Why was he doing it for Eddie?
He was asking Eddie what happened between him and Sabrina? I was like, what in the hell does that have to do with the ticket? Eddie started saying that they were talking for a while at the party. He said he and Sabrina both agreed they had been attracted to each other for a while. And then they eventually just made out. Then the judge asked Eddie if he really drove home and Eddie said that he did. The judge still had a confused look on his face. He looked at the picture a little closer, looked up and said, “Well, where is your friend in this picture? He didn’t say where he was.” Eddie just went, “Oh, he was passed out.” The judge said, “So he was in the backseat?” Eddie said, “No, he was passed out in the front seat.” The judge asked Eddie how he could drive with someone’s feet across his lap. And that’s when Eddie said, “No, Your Honor, his feet weren’t across my lap, his face was.”
I just put my head in my hands. Sabrina just gasped. The judge just started choking. He quickly drank some water, paused, and asked Eddie if he knew that receiving oral pleasure while driving was a violation called reckless driving. Eddie quickly said, “Oh, no, Your Honor, I’m not gay. He may be, but I’m not. You see, he couldn’t pass out in the backseat because the silly bastard threw up all over his backseat.” All of sudden, the judge’s eyes lit up and he said, “Wait. Was he dressed up as a nun?” Eddie said, “Yeah, he was. How did you know that?” Then the judge sternly replied with, “My wife and I were the couple in the next lane watching him throw up and fart. We were both sickened by this display.”
The judge then turned to me and said, “Do you think it’s funny to dress up as a nun and act like a schmuck in public?” And before I could answer, the judge turned back to Eddie and said, “Now, did you have any drinks at the party?” Eddie responded with, “No, sir, I am the responsible one. I was the designated driver that night.” And then he paused about ten seconds and said, “Besides, I was taking medication that night so I couldn’t drink.” The judge asked, “Medication for what?” Eddie just calmly said, “Oh, sir, for the clap. You know. The judge just shook his head and said, “Well, what happened next?” And what does Eddie do. He doesn’t tell the judge about him running the red light. He tells him how later that night he drove back to the party, took Sabrina to her place and ended up having sex with her. The judge then said, “Son, I meant what happened next, meaning did you drive through that red light?”
I immediately turned to Sabrina and said, “Is this true? Is it!” And she said, “I am so sorry, but you promised me we would endure no matter what, remember?” I said, “You tricked me into saying that while we were having sex! I shouldn’t be held accountable for anything I said while I having sex. I’m not thinking with my right head, damn it!” And then all of the sudden the judge jumps into this conversation and says, “Wait. Miss, did you have unprotected sex with both of these guys?” I’m like, “What the hell does this have to do with my ticket?” The judge just goes, “Shut up in my courtroom, you schmuck. Miss, did you?” Sabrina turned to me, turned to Eddie and then turned to the judge and said, “Yes.” And what does the judge do. He just blurts out, “Holy shit, son, you got a ticket and the clap!” And then he just starts laughing really, really hard.
The judge laughs hysterically for about a minute before he finally composes himself. And then he just turns to me and says, “Son, I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your story. I mean, a costume party in May? I don’t believe any of your story, except for the part where the lady had unprotected sex with both of you guys and ended up giving you the clap. No one could make something like that up. I hereby order you to pay for this ticket. Son, I guess this’ll teach you not to go around dressed up as a nun just for kicks. Case dismissed.” Great. Just great. I was so proud of myself for my explanation and argument about that night. I was so damn proud I expected applause, but in the end all I got was the clap. Fuck!
We all walked in silence back to the car, right after I paid my ticket. Eddie didn’t have any money on him and he just happened to leave his wallet at home. And when we get to the car, what should I find. I find a fucking parking ticket on the window. Eddie parked my car in the red zone! I just crumpled up the ticket and threw it into my car. Eddie got back into the driver’s seat and we pulled away. On the drive, there is complete silence except for a classic rock station playing. We are all sitting there just staring straight forward when all of a sudden “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins comes on. So as we’re cruising towards the free clinic, all I hear is Phil Collins singing:
I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space
Just an “empty space,” Phil? I beg to differ. All that’s left to remind me is the clap where the empty space used to be. That Phil Collins is a fucking idiot!!!
posted by Cruzbomb at 6:47 PM
3 Comments:
OMG! ROFLMAO! This is the funniest story I have ever read! With schmuck friends like Eddie, who needs enemies? SUPERB!
Holly, glad you liked it. Hopefully you read parts 1 and 2. It's so much funnier when it's true, isn't it?
Brilliant! I almost gave up hope you'd ever post the final chapter of this trilogy, and just happened to take a desultory look today--but it was worth the wait. Awesome--thanks for the laughs! And no, I don't believe it for a second.
Bruce
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