TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN WORST MEN FOUND IN A MEN'S ROOM
1. THE COUGHER
This guy is fooling no one. He derives his name from the fact of what he does. I’m sure you’ve all heard him before. Some guy will be sitting in the toilet seat trying to blast out some rotten trash he got from his late-night Taco Bell run. And you will be there minding your own business as you pee to your heart’s content and then you will hear it—the worst and loudest fart you have ever heard before coming from the stall he’s in. And then what happens next? He tries to cover up the fart by coughing. What the hell is this all about? No one is going to believe that was a cough. Unless you want people to believe you have shit-smelling breath, you idiot. I do not want to hear a cough after this putrid expulsion. I want to hear the sound of air freshener blasting away, you jackass!
2. THE WHISTLER
Another joy to behold. This is the guy who has to stand next to you at the next urinal and start whistling while he pees. It’s like he can’t pee without whistling. I mean, what the hell did this guy’s mom tell him as a kid? “Remember, Junior, whistle while you pee or your penis will be taken over by the Satan himself.” And the worst part, this whistler is usually whistling the crappiest song you can imagine. Why, the last guy was whistling “Achy-Breaky Heart.” And so I have to try not to throw up while pissing because of this nimrod. And to make matters worse, I usually get the crappy song stuck in my head for the rest of the day!
3. THE SPRAYER
This one is just disgusting. If you are eating right now, put down your Big Mac and just read. Trust me on this one. This one’s name comes from his actions in the toilet stall. You’ll be there at the urinal innocently peeing when this guy strikes. All of a sudden out of the toilet stall you hear one loud continuous fart and an unleashing of liquid spraying the toilet bowl. It’s safe to say there is no fiber in that person’s diet. This spray is usually followed by a groan and then a sigh from the sprayer. But the worst part about this for me is this usually happens right when I’m in the middle of a piss and I can’t stop it or it will hurt. Because from this spray comes a smell that washes over the whole bathroom in a matter of 1.25 seconds. Couldn’t this sprayer just go find some open field away from all living matter? The jackass!
4. THE CHATTERBOX
This guy is usually at the urinal next to you. Just when you whip out your big business to start letting the urine fly, this guy feels he must start a conversation. It always starts off with, “Hey, how you doing? Peeing, huh? Me too.” From here it only gets worse. There’s an unwritten rule in the bathroom that if you don’t know the other person at the next stall (unless you’re drunk, then it’s okay) you don’t start lipping it up. I mean, these chatterboxes usually won’t shut up. And they always tell you they’re peeing in the stupidest way. For example, “I’m just here to let the snake do some spitting.” I’m like, what the fuck! But the worst is when they say something about your cock or balls. “Hey, nice shapely balls you got there.” These fuckers!
5. THE PEAKER
This is another person at the urinal, only unlike the chatterbox, they remain completely silent. Now, you would think this is good, until halfway through your pee you get a creepy feeling washing over you. That is when you realize this guy is sneaking peaks over at your dick. If you look over, they quickly look away. But they are usually a dead give-away because you never hear them peeing. They are just there to gaze at you and your man stick. One guy was so intent on looking he could have described my penis to a police sketch artist and been right on. I actually think he may have fallen in love with it.
6. THE FIREMAN
I call this one the fireman because of their actions at the urinal. This guy is freak. There you are minding your own business as your peeing away when this guy starts peeing at the next urinal. And when he pees, you want to get the hell away from him. He starts swaying a lot while he is peeing and then you realize he’s got two hands on his device and he seems like he’s trying to control it like it’s a wild fire hose. The problem here is inevitably you get urine splashed all over the place, and that means you get this buttplug’s urine on your shoe. All I can think is maybe they got the tip of their penis cut off so instead of a nice stream, they get a jet-stream of caustic fluid flying all over the place. Why don’t these guys do the decent thing and just pee in an alley?
7. THE BLOODHOUND
This guy just makes me sick. The way some people get their jollies amazes me sometimes. The bloodhound gets his name for his constant enjoyment of someone else’s flatulation. This sick bastard is the guy you constantly hear sniffing in a horrible-smelling bathroom. I mean, maybe I could understand one sniff. Hell, we all have to gauge how bad it is, but to constantly sniff around like you’re one of those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport is downright foul. I can only imagine if this guy was having sex with a woman and she farted in the middle of it, he’d be in heaven.
8. THE HANDYMAN
Once again, there are unwritten rules in the men’s room that you follow and adhere to. The handyman ignores rule number one—No touching of other men while in the men’s room. This guy will put his hand on your shoulder while you are pissing away and ask you a question. And even after you answer his stupid question, he continues to touch you and talk. Hey, buddy, when I have the lower area out and exposed, you keep your flesh-seeking hands off me, you freaking jerkoff! The worst ones of these handymen are the ones who give you a pat on the butt on their way out.
9. THE OUTHOUSERS
These are a rare breed, but they are out there, so be wary. These guys are the guys you hear in the toilets just exploding. I mean, the second after they are done exploding, the temperature in the men’s room rises about 25 degrees. And right off the bat you are waiting for the courtesy flush. You know, the flush to at least swallow up some of the smell. But do they courtesy flush? No! They just continue on. But their name, the outhousers, comes from what they do next. They just get up and walk out of the toilet stall… without ever flushing! It’s like they’ve been dumping in outhouses all their life, so they don’t have to flush. I mean, why else would someone leave such greenish-brown waste like that for the next person to find? At least animals have the decency to bury their shit, you miserable skag!
10) 95 PERCENTERS
Ladies, it’s time I let you in on a little secret. Do you know why there is a group in this list called the 95 percenters? It is because 95 percent of guys who use the restroom do not wash their hands after pissing or crapping. Yes, yes, it’s true. Why, I’ve heard numerous guys come in and “spray” the bowl, and then get up and calmly walk out without ever washing their filthy paws. That’s why the handyman is even worse after he goes to the bathroom and then touches you in the men’s room. And this number goes up 98 percent when alcohol is involved. I have been at a bar, heard a guy go into the toilet stall, explode liquid out, get up and stroll on out. And a minute later I saw him holding this girl’s face while kissing her. I believe I even saw one of his fingers slip into her mouth. And you know these guys are also butt-pickers. Just a little food for thought to end this with.
AND ONE MORE TO BOOT…
11. THE NEW DADS
I’m sure you’ve all seen these guys at one time or another. They are the new dads who come in with their babies and try to change their diapers. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this… in a normal circumstance, but these dads are the worst. It is like they have never changed a baby’s diaper before and they are trying to learn in a PUBLIC MEN’S RESTROOM!!!! You can only feel sorry for the baby that is having to go through this nightmare. These new dads take forever to get the damn diaper off, and when they finally do they manage to get crap all over everything, and I mean everything. And then they start fumbling around for God knows what in the biggest bag one has ever seen. After everything is said and done and they’ve put the diaper on in the worst possible way, they leave the scene of the crime. And what’s left at the scene? A bunch of baby crap and so much baby powder that you would think that Scarface was in there doing coke. And one more thing—they also are part of the 95 Percenters.
This guy is fooling no one. He derives his name from the fact of what he does. I’m sure you’ve all heard him before. Some guy will be sitting in the toilet seat trying to blast out some rotten trash he got from his late-night Taco Bell run. And you will be there minding your own business as you pee to your heart’s content and then you will hear it—the worst and loudest fart you have ever heard before coming from the stall he’s in. And then what happens next? He tries to cover up the fart by coughing. What the hell is this all about? No one is going to believe that was a cough. Unless you want people to believe you have shit-smelling breath, you idiot. I do not want to hear a cough after this putrid expulsion. I want to hear the sound of air freshener blasting away, you jackass!
2. THE WHISTLER
Another joy to behold. This is the guy who has to stand next to you at the next urinal and start whistling while he pees. It’s like he can’t pee without whistling. I mean, what the hell did this guy’s mom tell him as a kid? “Remember, Junior, whistle while you pee or your penis will be taken over by the Satan himself.” And the worst part, this whistler is usually whistling the crappiest song you can imagine. Why, the last guy was whistling “Achy-Breaky Heart.” And so I have to try not to throw up while pissing because of this nimrod. And to make matters worse, I usually get the crappy song stuck in my head for the rest of the day!
3. THE SPRAYER
This one is just disgusting. If you are eating right now, put down your Big Mac and just read. Trust me on this one. This one’s name comes from his actions in the toilet stall. You’ll be there at the urinal innocently peeing when this guy strikes. All of a sudden out of the toilet stall you hear one loud continuous fart and an unleashing of liquid spraying the toilet bowl. It’s safe to say there is no fiber in that person’s diet. This spray is usually followed by a groan and then a sigh from the sprayer. But the worst part about this for me is this usually happens right when I’m in the middle of a piss and I can’t stop it or it will hurt. Because from this spray comes a smell that washes over the whole bathroom in a matter of 1.25 seconds. Couldn’t this sprayer just go find some open field away from all living matter? The jackass!
4. THE CHATTERBOX
This guy is usually at the urinal next to you. Just when you whip out your big business to start letting the urine fly, this guy feels he must start a conversation. It always starts off with, “Hey, how you doing? Peeing, huh? Me too.” From here it only gets worse. There’s an unwritten rule in the bathroom that if you don’t know the other person at the next stall (unless you’re drunk, then it’s okay) you don’t start lipping it up. I mean, these chatterboxes usually won’t shut up. And they always tell you they’re peeing in the stupidest way. For example, “I’m just here to let the snake do some spitting.” I’m like, what the fuck! But the worst is when they say something about your cock or balls. “Hey, nice shapely balls you got there.” These fuckers!
5. THE PEAKER
This is another person at the urinal, only unlike the chatterbox, they remain completely silent. Now, you would think this is good, until halfway through your pee you get a creepy feeling washing over you. That is when you realize this guy is sneaking peaks over at your dick. If you look over, they quickly look away. But they are usually a dead give-away because you never hear them peeing. They are just there to gaze at you and your man stick. One guy was so intent on looking he could have described my penis to a police sketch artist and been right on. I actually think he may have fallen in love with it.
6. THE FIREMAN
I call this one the fireman because of their actions at the urinal. This guy is freak. There you are minding your own business as your peeing away when this guy starts peeing at the next urinal. And when he pees, you want to get the hell away from him. He starts swaying a lot while he is peeing and then you realize he’s got two hands on his device and he seems like he’s trying to control it like it’s a wild fire hose. The problem here is inevitably you get urine splashed all over the place, and that means you get this buttplug’s urine on your shoe. All I can think is maybe they got the tip of their penis cut off so instead of a nice stream, they get a jet-stream of caustic fluid flying all over the place. Why don’t these guys do the decent thing and just pee in an alley?
7. THE BLOODHOUND
This guy just makes me sick. The way some people get their jollies amazes me sometimes. The bloodhound gets his name for his constant enjoyment of someone else’s flatulation. This sick bastard is the guy you constantly hear sniffing in a horrible-smelling bathroom. I mean, maybe I could understand one sniff. Hell, we all have to gauge how bad it is, but to constantly sniff around like you’re one of those drug-sniffing dogs at the airport is downright foul. I can only imagine if this guy was having sex with a woman and she farted in the middle of it, he’d be in heaven.
8. THE HANDYMAN
Once again, there are unwritten rules in the men’s room that you follow and adhere to. The handyman ignores rule number one—No touching of other men while in the men’s room. This guy will put his hand on your shoulder while you are pissing away and ask you a question. And even after you answer his stupid question, he continues to touch you and talk. Hey, buddy, when I have the lower area out and exposed, you keep your flesh-seeking hands off me, you freaking jerkoff! The worst ones of these handymen are the ones who give you a pat on the butt on their way out.
9. THE OUTHOUSERS
These are a rare breed, but they are out there, so be wary. These guys are the guys you hear in the toilets just exploding. I mean, the second after they are done exploding, the temperature in the men’s room rises about 25 degrees. And right off the bat you are waiting for the courtesy flush. You know, the flush to at least swallow up some of the smell. But do they courtesy flush? No! They just continue on. But their name, the outhousers, comes from what they do next. They just get up and walk out of the toilet stall… without ever flushing! It’s like they’ve been dumping in outhouses all their life, so they don’t have to flush. I mean, why else would someone leave such greenish-brown waste like that for the next person to find? At least animals have the decency to bury their shit, you miserable skag!
10) 95 PERCENTERS
Ladies, it’s time I let you in on a little secret. Do you know why there is a group in this list called the 95 percenters? It is because 95 percent of guys who use the restroom do not wash their hands after pissing or crapping. Yes, yes, it’s true. Why, I’ve heard numerous guys come in and “spray” the bowl, and then get up and calmly walk out without ever washing their filthy paws. That’s why the handyman is even worse after he goes to the bathroom and then touches you in the men’s room. And this number goes up 98 percent when alcohol is involved. I have been at a bar, heard a guy go into the toilet stall, explode liquid out, get up and stroll on out. And a minute later I saw him holding this girl’s face while kissing her. I believe I even saw one of his fingers slip into her mouth. And you know these guys are also butt-pickers. Just a little food for thought to end this with.
AND ONE MORE TO BOOT…
11. THE NEW DADS
I’m sure you’ve all seen these guys at one time or another. They are the new dads who come in with their babies and try to change their diapers. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with this… in a normal circumstance, but these dads are the worst. It is like they have never changed a baby’s diaper before and they are trying to learn in a PUBLIC MEN’S RESTROOM!!!! You can only feel sorry for the baby that is having to go through this nightmare. These new dads take forever to get the damn diaper off, and when they finally do they manage to get crap all over everything, and I mean everything. And then they start fumbling around for God knows what in the biggest bag one has ever seen. After everything is said and done and they’ve put the diaper on in the worst possible way, they leave the scene of the crime. And what’s left at the scene? A bunch of baby crap and so much baby powder that you would think that Scarface was in there doing coke. And one more thing—they also are part of the 95 Percenters.
posted by Cruzbomb at 10:27 PM
3 Comments:
This is so twisted that I have been unable to comment on it, just as most guys don't say anything in the rest room, and enter sort of a fugue state which excludes the other occupants of the restroom...probably the reason no one wants to comment on this (very funny) piece. Now, about that nun story...
What really iritates me is a combination of bad planning, poor design, and the fact that most persons are slobs. I know you all, like me, are thinking, what the hell is the point of washing my hands after using the bathroom, when you know DAMN well, the guy before you didn't wash, and put his awful filthy hand on the door handle (that pulls in -- Lord, why do they always open in?) and then to get out, you have to touch the handle. Can't they design ALL mens' bathrooms where you push to get out -- with your shoulder, your foot, your butt, whatever, but you never have to touch a filthy door handle? And since so many bathrooms have done away with paper towels and adopted the push-butt-rub-hands-under-arm-hair drying device, you can't use paper to cover the door handle. In most airports they really have the right idea: no doors. Period. A little planing could make life so civilized!
OMG that is the MOST amazing thing I have ever seen because it is so true, but you are forgetting one. The people who, when there are seven other urinals not being used, go right up next to the one you are using. I like to call them the "double parkers", but that is a pretty shitty name.
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