SUNDAY NIGHT'S STORY PRESENTS: THE NUN WHO DRANK TOO MUCH
Costume parties are usually a fun and joyous time for me and have been since I was a young strapping boy. Well, maybe except for that time my mom made me dress up like a nun. That sucked. She even made me shave my legs. She said it would have been sacrilege to have unshaven legs as a nun. And having me dress up as one wasn’t? Anyway, that’s beside the point. I used to look forward to costume parties. But that all changed when I went to my friends’ Memorial weekend costume party.
First off, who has a costume party in May? Well, I’ll tell you--my slightly unhinged friends, Channing and Bridget. Ever since these two got married, they have felt it is necessary to celebrate holidays on days other than the nationally recognized day. For instance, they don’t celebrate Christmas on December 25, they don’t celebrate the Fourth of July on July 4, and they don’t celebrate Halloween on October 31. They think it is too commercialized on those days and just conformist to celebrate on those days. In other words, Channing and Bridget are uptight and white.
So my roommate and I get their invitation and see the date. Of course, I’m the first one to say, “Not again.” But what am I to do? I love costume parties. So right away I decide my costume will be a nun. Go figure. My roommate, Eddie, starts laughing his ass off and tells me he knows exactly what he’s going to be. But does he tell me? No! He says, “You’ll see my costume on the day of the party, but I gotta warn you, it’s pretty hideous.” I just go, “Cool. Can’t wait. Pass me the nachos.”
The day of the party arrives and I get into my costume. I must say I look ravishing as a nun, if a nun can look ravishing. Eddie is in his room hemming and hawing about coming out. I finally persuade him to come out and show me his costume, and he does. I couldn’t believe it. That fucker is dressed as me. I immediately started saying, “There is no way in hell you are going dressed as me! Go change!” He just started laughing and said he wasn’t. He had on the same glasses as me, my same hairstyle, everything was just like me, except for Eddies’ lack of the family jewels, but, hey, some guys got it and some guys don’t.
I finally give in and decide to let him go as me. My other friends at the party will probably think Eddie is a dick for dressing up as me. I agree to drive there if Eddie drives back. That way I can get my drink on. Eddie agrees since he is taking medication for “the clap” and cannot drink while on it. At least this way I can unwind at the party and not have to deal with Eddie’s crap there. So, we were off.
Since I’m driving there, Eddie decides he’s in charge of the CD player and starts playing “Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer…really loud. Then the asshole rolls down his window so everyone we pass can hear what the hell we’re listening to. And then what does he do? He starts ducking down so people think it just me listening to it. So there I am dressed as a nun in May blasting out “Can’t Touch This.” Some old couple in the next car at one light just gave me a very dirty look. I kept wondering why they were so offended until I noticed a big bumper sticker on their car that said “Jesus Saves.”
I had enough of this music. I started yelling at Eddie, “Come on, you prick, turn this crap off!” Of course he doesn’t listen to me. And then as I continue driving, he is still distracting me by continuing to restart the song every time it ends. I mean, he is pissing me off so much at this point that I almost run a red light. And the unfortunate thing with the city I live in is they have those damn cameras on some of the lights. You know, those lights that take a picture of you and your car if you run the light. Then about a month later you get a ticket in the mail for $285. Well, I was very close to being in the intersection when the light turned red. I didn’t notice if it took my picture. I started yelling at Eddie that if I get a ticket in the mail, he is paying for it.
We finally arrive at the party and go in. And wouldn’t you know it. Everyone loves Eddie’s damn costume. He is the hit of the party. And do they like my nun costume? No, they think it is creepy, especially since I didn’t shave my legs. What the hell is with these people? Every time someone sees Eddie, they actually started laughing and clapping. I mean, I really don’t think this is so damn funny. I eventually just try to ignore it by drowning myself in booze. And that’s where my other troubles start.
I guess I ended up having way too much booze because I ended up getting into a fight, which is something I rarely ever do. But it really wasn’t my fault. The problem was Eddie. Eddie was getting picked up by all these girls…while he is dressed as me. And then who should walk in the party and start flirting with Eddie—my ex, Sabrina. This was really pushing things too far. Eddie and her end up talking with each other for about an hour, alone! Then I notice they are holding hands. All the while this is going on, I am drinking cocktail after cocktail. And then it finally happens—they kiss. That was it.
I immediately charge off towards them and shout, “Just what in God’s name do you think you two are doing?” They both just look up at me, and then they start laughing. This just pisses me off even more. I mean, Eddie’s supposed to be my friend. You don’t kiss your friend’s ex—it’s a rule of guys! But Eddie just tells me to calm down and leave them alone, but he tells me this by imitating my voice. That was the last straw. I started whacking Eddie with what I had in my hand as part of my costume—a yardstick. And I started letting him have it good. I was wailing on him. And while this is going on I got a horrible flashback to when I was in the fourth grade and Sister Mary Christmas let loose on me with her yardstick, and all because I dropped my pencil on purpose so I could bend over to look up her dress. I had to really, though. I had to see if her legs were hairy or not.
While I am hitting Eddie, I hear laughter coming from the rest of the people at the party. For some odd reason, they think this is the funniest fucking thing they’ve ever seen. That is, everybody except Sabrina. She actually jumps in front of Eddie to stop me from hitting him. So there is my ex trying to protect “me” from hitting me. I couldn’t believe it. By then, everyone had gathered around us, and Channing had to pull me back away from Sabrina and “me”. Then he and Bridget suggested that Eddie take the drunken nun back to her convent. So I got escorted out, but not before watching “me” give Sabrina a deep good-night kiss. I got so disgusted by this sight I ended up throwing up on a guy dressed up as the pope. I hate costume parties. I just wanted to get home. Eddie and I could have it out on the drive home. But what I didn’t know was the drive home was going to be worse than the party in the end.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK…
First off, who has a costume party in May? Well, I’ll tell you--my slightly unhinged friends, Channing and Bridget. Ever since these two got married, they have felt it is necessary to celebrate holidays on days other than the nationally recognized day. For instance, they don’t celebrate Christmas on December 25, they don’t celebrate the Fourth of July on July 4, and they don’t celebrate Halloween on October 31. They think it is too commercialized on those days and just conformist to celebrate on those days. In other words, Channing and Bridget are uptight and white.
So my roommate and I get their invitation and see the date. Of course, I’m the first one to say, “Not again.” But what am I to do? I love costume parties. So right away I decide my costume will be a nun. Go figure. My roommate, Eddie, starts laughing his ass off and tells me he knows exactly what he’s going to be. But does he tell me? No! He says, “You’ll see my costume on the day of the party, but I gotta warn you, it’s pretty hideous.” I just go, “Cool. Can’t wait. Pass me the nachos.”
The day of the party arrives and I get into my costume. I must say I look ravishing as a nun, if a nun can look ravishing. Eddie is in his room hemming and hawing about coming out. I finally persuade him to come out and show me his costume, and he does. I couldn’t believe it. That fucker is dressed as me. I immediately started saying, “There is no way in hell you are going dressed as me! Go change!” He just started laughing and said he wasn’t. He had on the same glasses as me, my same hairstyle, everything was just like me, except for Eddies’ lack of the family jewels, but, hey, some guys got it and some guys don’t.
I finally give in and decide to let him go as me. My other friends at the party will probably think Eddie is a dick for dressing up as me. I agree to drive there if Eddie drives back. That way I can get my drink on. Eddie agrees since he is taking medication for “the clap” and cannot drink while on it. At least this way I can unwind at the party and not have to deal with Eddie’s crap there. So, we were off.
Since I’m driving there, Eddie decides he’s in charge of the CD player and starts playing “Can’t Touch This by MC Hammer…really loud. Then the asshole rolls down his window so everyone we pass can hear what the hell we’re listening to. And then what does he do? He starts ducking down so people think it just me listening to it. So there I am dressed as a nun in May blasting out “Can’t Touch This.” Some old couple in the next car at one light just gave me a very dirty look. I kept wondering why they were so offended until I noticed a big bumper sticker on their car that said “Jesus Saves.”
I had enough of this music. I started yelling at Eddie, “Come on, you prick, turn this crap off!” Of course he doesn’t listen to me. And then as I continue driving, he is still distracting me by continuing to restart the song every time it ends. I mean, he is pissing me off so much at this point that I almost run a red light. And the unfortunate thing with the city I live in is they have those damn cameras on some of the lights. You know, those lights that take a picture of you and your car if you run the light. Then about a month later you get a ticket in the mail for $285. Well, I was very close to being in the intersection when the light turned red. I didn’t notice if it took my picture. I started yelling at Eddie that if I get a ticket in the mail, he is paying for it.
We finally arrive at the party and go in. And wouldn’t you know it. Everyone loves Eddie’s damn costume. He is the hit of the party. And do they like my nun costume? No, they think it is creepy, especially since I didn’t shave my legs. What the hell is with these people? Every time someone sees Eddie, they actually started laughing and clapping. I mean, I really don’t think this is so damn funny. I eventually just try to ignore it by drowning myself in booze. And that’s where my other troubles start.
I guess I ended up having way too much booze because I ended up getting into a fight, which is something I rarely ever do. But it really wasn’t my fault. The problem was Eddie. Eddie was getting picked up by all these girls…while he is dressed as me. And then who should walk in the party and start flirting with Eddie—my ex, Sabrina. This was really pushing things too far. Eddie and her end up talking with each other for about an hour, alone! Then I notice they are holding hands. All the while this is going on, I am drinking cocktail after cocktail. And then it finally happens—they kiss. That was it.
I immediately charge off towards them and shout, “Just what in God’s name do you think you two are doing?” They both just look up at me, and then they start laughing. This just pisses me off even more. I mean, Eddie’s supposed to be my friend. You don’t kiss your friend’s ex—it’s a rule of guys! But Eddie just tells me to calm down and leave them alone, but he tells me this by imitating my voice. That was the last straw. I started whacking Eddie with what I had in my hand as part of my costume—a yardstick. And I started letting him have it good. I was wailing on him. And while this is going on I got a horrible flashback to when I was in the fourth grade and Sister Mary Christmas let loose on me with her yardstick, and all because I dropped my pencil on purpose so I could bend over to look up her dress. I had to really, though. I had to see if her legs were hairy or not.
While I am hitting Eddie, I hear laughter coming from the rest of the people at the party. For some odd reason, they think this is the funniest fucking thing they’ve ever seen. That is, everybody except Sabrina. She actually jumps in front of Eddie to stop me from hitting him. So there is my ex trying to protect “me” from hitting me. I couldn’t believe it. By then, everyone had gathered around us, and Channing had to pull me back away from Sabrina and “me”. Then he and Bridget suggested that Eddie take the drunken nun back to her convent. So I got escorted out, but not before watching “me” give Sabrina a deep good-night kiss. I got so disgusted by this sight I ended up throwing up on a guy dressed up as the pope. I hate costume parties. I just wanted to get home. Eddie and I could have it out on the drive home. But what I didn’t know was the drive home was going to be worse than the party in the end.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK…
posted by Cruzbomb at 10:11 PM
2 Comments:
Yikes, what a great story! I, too, am really looking forward to next Sunday's denouement. And yeah, was Sister Mary Christmas a nickname, or...? Actually, knowing how eccentric some Catholic families can be, I can believe some devout families might saddle a kid with that name...no wonder she fled to a convent!
Bruce
I say! Isn't it time you gave us the conclusion to this story? After all, Sunday night story time has come and gone! Come on, man! (Aren't we getting demanding, your devoted readers?)
Bruce
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