TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN WORST THINGS I'VE EVER SAID TO RUIN A SEXUAL MOMENT
1. “You smell like my brother.”
Now, this sounds worse than it really is. Let me explain. There I am making sweet love with this girl. It was our first time together like this so we were quite passionate. Now earlier in the day I had been playing basketball with my brother and some friends and I had to guard my brother the whole time. Well, he had this smell of sweat, pickles and Old Spice. Not bad, really. Now for some odd reason this girl smelled exactly like that. My mistake was uttering this sentence, though. She immediately stopped and gave me such of look of disgust. I think it was safe to say she was quite repulsed. We didn’t resume the sex, which is probably for the best. I was getting real tired of that pickle smell anyway.
2. “Okay, it’s official. You are making me sick.”
What could I do? She was making me sick, and I couldn’t take it anymore. The problem was that this girl was a total heavy metal rocker, and to make matters worse, she was blasting one of those heavy metal power ballad CDs while we’re going at it. Now, what made this even worse was that she was singing along with the damn crappy music. At first it was amusing, but then “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” came on by Bon Jovi and that was it! She started singing along really loudly. Then she actually started crying and singing. That’s when I said what I said. She immediately got pissed. So touchy. I should have known she had no taste when she put on that crappy music. Of course, sleeping with me didn’t bode well for her taste either.
3. “How much is this going to cost me?”
I said this as a joke. But you would have said it too. I mean, this girl was doing all kinds of stretches and tricks even before we hit the bed. We both were making out, and then started to undress. I got onto the bed, but she didn’t follow. She started doing these crazy stretches on the ground. She even started doing handstands. I started to get scared, like she was going to hurt me. Then she started doing these karate kicks and screaming, “Hai-ya!” That was it! I couldn’t take it anymore. She looked like a puncher. So I said the first thing that came to my mind and this was it. She, of course, stopped everything she was doing and started screaming at me that was she was not a hooker. I said, “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t. I just meant would you happen to know how late the circus concession stand is open?” It was here that I learned that she was a puncher.
4. “These sheets smell like feet.”
There would have been nothing wrong with saying this, except for the fact that we were at her place and these were her sheets. Well, she got real defensive and started telling me how she just washed these sheets a day ago. I responded with, “Well, what did you wash them in, Tinactin?” From the look on her face after I said this I could tell right away that the sex was off. Actually, though, I was glad. She still had not taken her socks off yet and I was fearful that when her socks came off, I was going to get blasted with a smell of vinegar and rotten cheese. I sure didn’t want to throw up on her nice filthy sheets.
5. “Would you stop all the panting, Rover!”
This wasn’t my fault at all. Have you ever been with a talker? You know, someone who insists on talking during sex. Well, this was one of those times. The problem here was that during our blissful sexual encounter, she kept panting like this Scottish terrier I used to have. It was really creeping me out. I was afraid she might be a biter. Also, to make matters worse, she had really hot breath that kept making my face burn. She then stopped panting for a few seconds and I was so relieved. Then she said, “Talk to me. Come on. Talk to me.” So, unfortunately I said the exact thing I was thinking. To say this ruined the sex is an understatement. Her panting turned to screaming. Funny, after five minutes of her yelling, I kind of missed the panting.
6. “Why in the hell did you fart?”
I know, I know. What was I thinking? I guess I wasn’t thinking, but damn it, somebody farted and it clearly wasn’t me! This sucked too because everything was going perfectly. I mean, this was more than just sex—this was hot sex. You know, the kind your mother warned you about. I couldn’t have possibly been more aroused. But that all went away when the smell of raw sewage took over the room. And do you know what she did? She denied it. There was only us in the room and there were no pets or anything. The window was closed so it couldn’t have been coming from outside. I shouldn’t have asked her if she farted, but this really didn’t ruin the mood. Her anal-air slippage ruined the mood, and probably the sheets too.
7. “Can I get you an Altoid maybe?”
I really wanted to kiss this girl during our romp in sexland, but once she breathed on me, I ended this desire. Her breath smelled like a combination of tequila and old curdled milk. What a diet she must have been on. I could have dealt with this and said nothing, but she kept trying to kiss me. I kept pretending like my head was bobbing from all the movement so she was forced to miss a few times. Unfortunately, there were a couple of times she hit my lips dead-on and I had to control my gag reflex. The last kiss she laid on me lasted about 15 seconds. I was trying to hold my breath. I damn near passed out and knew I had to save myself. So I said what I said. Needless to say, the sex was over. That was all right, though. I got a thing about people who suck on a pair of their old socks instead of brushing their teeth.
8. “Why do you have a tattoo of Captain Stubbing on your chest?”
This was a legitimate question. It was just unfortunate that I asked it during a sexual encounter. This girl had a few tattoos that I could see when her clothes were on. But when her shirt came off she seemingly had some artwork of a “Love Boat” character on her right breast. It was really creeping me out because I thought Captain Stubbing’s eyes kept sizing up my lower region. So I finally asked her what was up with that tattoo. She kind of gave me a dirty look and told me it was a tattoo of her dad. I had seen her dad and he didn’t look like that at all. I thought she was lying for some reason. So I just responded with, “So, do you have a tattoo of your Uncle Gopher too?” Let’s just say my ride on this Love Boat was over. She got up and started getting dressed. At least this way Captain Stubbing’s eyes would stop staring at my johnson.
9. “You know, you look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges from the back.”
I agree. This was a really stupid thing to say. I mean, from this statement you can figure out the position we might or might not have been in. It was here that I noticed her hair was really frazzled out on the sides and flat on the top. It must have been from that baseball cap she was wearing before. At first when I noticed it, I thought I was freaking out, like maybe I was having a Three Stooges episode flashback. I couldn’t get past the fact that she looked like Larry Fine, so I said my observation. The worst part was that she responded with, “Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me.” I can be as kinky as the next person, but this was just sick.
10. “Get your fucking finger away from my ass!”
I mean, the nerve of some people. How could someone ignore my explicit instructions? Well, this girl was letting her fingers do the walking—yeah, walking straight to my a-hole. The first time I felt her finger graze the surrounding area, I said, “Uh-uh.” She stopped… for about five seconds. And then she was back at it. Now I was getting pissed and I said this line to her. You know what she did? She just chuckled. And then she fired one more shot, only this time she used a lot more force. I yelped and immediately got up. I don’t remember too much of what happened next, but I remember coming to in a corner of the room curled up naked, shaking. Now technically, I really didn’t ruin the moment, but I like to dream when I said this statement it ruined it and nothing happened afterwards. In the end, I never pursued a relationship with this butt-picker. I did see her again once. I ran into her at the store. She offered her hand for me to shake. I declined to shake her hand. God knows where it’s been.
Now, this sounds worse than it really is. Let me explain. There I am making sweet love with this girl. It was our first time together like this so we were quite passionate. Now earlier in the day I had been playing basketball with my brother and some friends and I had to guard my brother the whole time. Well, he had this smell of sweat, pickles and Old Spice. Not bad, really. Now for some odd reason this girl smelled exactly like that. My mistake was uttering this sentence, though. She immediately stopped and gave me such of look of disgust. I think it was safe to say she was quite repulsed. We didn’t resume the sex, which is probably for the best. I was getting real tired of that pickle smell anyway.
2. “Okay, it’s official. You are making me sick.”
What could I do? She was making me sick, and I couldn’t take it anymore. The problem was that this girl was a total heavy metal rocker, and to make matters worse, she was blasting one of those heavy metal power ballad CDs while we’re going at it. Now, what made this even worse was that she was singing along with the damn crappy music. At first it was amusing, but then “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” came on by Bon Jovi and that was it! She started singing along really loudly. Then she actually started crying and singing. That’s when I said what I said. She immediately got pissed. So touchy. I should have known she had no taste when she put on that crappy music. Of course, sleeping with me didn’t bode well for her taste either.
3. “How much is this going to cost me?”
I said this as a joke. But you would have said it too. I mean, this girl was doing all kinds of stretches and tricks even before we hit the bed. We both were making out, and then started to undress. I got onto the bed, but she didn’t follow. She started doing these crazy stretches on the ground. She even started doing handstands. I started to get scared, like she was going to hurt me. Then she started doing these karate kicks and screaming, “Hai-ya!” That was it! I couldn’t take it anymore. She looked like a puncher. So I said the first thing that came to my mind and this was it. She, of course, stopped everything she was doing and started screaming at me that was she was not a hooker. I said, “I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t. I just meant would you happen to know how late the circus concession stand is open?” It was here that I learned that she was a puncher.
4. “These sheets smell like feet.”
There would have been nothing wrong with saying this, except for the fact that we were at her place and these were her sheets. Well, she got real defensive and started telling me how she just washed these sheets a day ago. I responded with, “Well, what did you wash them in, Tinactin?” From the look on her face after I said this I could tell right away that the sex was off. Actually, though, I was glad. She still had not taken her socks off yet and I was fearful that when her socks came off, I was going to get blasted with a smell of vinegar and rotten cheese. I sure didn’t want to throw up on her nice filthy sheets.
5. “Would you stop all the panting, Rover!”
This wasn’t my fault at all. Have you ever been with a talker? You know, someone who insists on talking during sex. Well, this was one of those times. The problem here was that during our blissful sexual encounter, she kept panting like this Scottish terrier I used to have. It was really creeping me out. I was afraid she might be a biter. Also, to make matters worse, she had really hot breath that kept making my face burn. She then stopped panting for a few seconds and I was so relieved. Then she said, “Talk to me. Come on. Talk to me.” So, unfortunately I said the exact thing I was thinking. To say this ruined the sex is an understatement. Her panting turned to screaming. Funny, after five minutes of her yelling, I kind of missed the panting.
6. “Why in the hell did you fart?”
I know, I know. What was I thinking? I guess I wasn’t thinking, but damn it, somebody farted and it clearly wasn’t me! This sucked too because everything was going perfectly. I mean, this was more than just sex—this was hot sex. You know, the kind your mother warned you about. I couldn’t have possibly been more aroused. But that all went away when the smell of raw sewage took over the room. And do you know what she did? She denied it. There was only us in the room and there were no pets or anything. The window was closed so it couldn’t have been coming from outside. I shouldn’t have asked her if she farted, but this really didn’t ruin the mood. Her anal-air slippage ruined the mood, and probably the sheets too.
7. “Can I get you an Altoid maybe?”
I really wanted to kiss this girl during our romp in sexland, but once she breathed on me, I ended this desire. Her breath smelled like a combination of tequila and old curdled milk. What a diet she must have been on. I could have dealt with this and said nothing, but she kept trying to kiss me. I kept pretending like my head was bobbing from all the movement so she was forced to miss a few times. Unfortunately, there were a couple of times she hit my lips dead-on and I had to control my gag reflex. The last kiss she laid on me lasted about 15 seconds. I was trying to hold my breath. I damn near passed out and knew I had to save myself. So I said what I said. Needless to say, the sex was over. That was all right, though. I got a thing about people who suck on a pair of their old socks instead of brushing their teeth.
8. “Why do you have a tattoo of Captain Stubbing on your chest?”
This was a legitimate question. It was just unfortunate that I asked it during a sexual encounter. This girl had a few tattoos that I could see when her clothes were on. But when her shirt came off she seemingly had some artwork of a “Love Boat” character on her right breast. It was really creeping me out because I thought Captain Stubbing’s eyes kept sizing up my lower region. So I finally asked her what was up with that tattoo. She kind of gave me a dirty look and told me it was a tattoo of her dad. I had seen her dad and he didn’t look like that at all. I thought she was lying for some reason. So I just responded with, “So, do you have a tattoo of your Uncle Gopher too?” Let’s just say my ride on this Love Boat was over. She got up and started getting dressed. At least this way Captain Stubbing’s eyes would stop staring at my johnson.
9. “You know, you look like Larry Fine of the Three Stooges from the back.”
I agree. This was a really stupid thing to say. I mean, from this statement you can figure out the position we might or might not have been in. It was here that I noticed her hair was really frazzled out on the sides and flat on the top. It must have been from that baseball cap she was wearing before. At first when I noticed it, I thought I was freaking out, like maybe I was having a Three Stooges episode flashback. I couldn’t get past the fact that she looked like Larry Fine, so I said my observation. The worst part was that she responded with, “Oh, yeah. Talk dirty to me.” I can be as kinky as the next person, but this was just sick.
10. “Get your fucking finger away from my ass!”
I mean, the nerve of some people. How could someone ignore my explicit instructions? Well, this girl was letting her fingers do the walking—yeah, walking straight to my a-hole. The first time I felt her finger graze the surrounding area, I said, “Uh-uh.” She stopped… for about five seconds. And then she was back at it. Now I was getting pissed and I said this line to her. You know what she did? She just chuckled. And then she fired one more shot, only this time she used a lot more force. I yelped and immediately got up. I don’t remember too much of what happened next, but I remember coming to in a corner of the room curled up naked, shaking. Now technically, I really didn’t ruin the moment, but I like to dream when I said this statement it ruined it and nothing happened afterwards. In the end, I never pursued a relationship with this butt-picker. I did see her again once. I ran into her at the store. She offered her hand for me to shake. I declined to shake her hand. God knows where it’s been.
posted by Cruzbomb at 9:59 PM
8 Comments:
Gross! Fortunately, it's also side-splittingly funny...thanks for brightening up a foggy San Francisco morning for me. Fortunately my boss didn't come swooping down on my work station as I was shaking with merriment. "What'd you wash them in, Tinactin?" Oh, you kill me.
Bruce
Well, I was actually eating my dinner when I got to number 10 last night... Close call, Cruzbomb, close call! I guess I should've stopped eating when I first hit number 1 and "Sweat, pickles and Old Spice," but I chose the sure laugh over the possible upchuck, and I'm the better man for it this morning! And I will say that I think it'd be a good idea to avoid close contact with anyone, woman or man, who has a tattoo of their dad on their chest.
Bruce, 'tis my pleasure. Thom Mcgregor, I had you until number 10, huh? You know I had you at hello. And yes, all these are true. Only the fingers have been changed to protect the innocent. Dennis, this would be a great diet. You eat and then puke. People in L.A. have been trying to get such an event in the next Olympics.
"...had me until number 10"? I only read number 10. That's all you need! So funny!!! Now I gotta go back and read the others. You are a comedy genius.
I agree with Mysterious. I only read #10, too, and I was rolling on the floor. Now I'm going back to read the others. You got me with #10. And what's with you sexual un-deviants?
Ha ha! Yeah, it's mostly the image conjured up by the term "butt picker," for me at least, and the fact that she wouldn't stop when you told her to, that creeped me out. Ew, I have to stop thinking about this now. Still, I thought it was a perfect gross-out ending to a brilliant piece.
Bruce
"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" by WHO??? It's this kind of shoddy fact checking that got Michael J. Fox fired in "Bright Lights, Big City."
--Dicey
One of the sisters once confessed having done it to the Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack. She felt so blasphemous, that she ran to the nearest nunnery and took her vows.
I personally enjoyed listening to "When The Saints Go Marching In."
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