TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN GUYS FOR LADIES TO AVOID
Tonight's list is for the ladies. Here's a simple guideline to help you out in that post-Valentine dating field.
1. Captain Stubbing
You should be able to see this guy coming for miles. It’s real hard to miss. He loves to wear all white clothes. He loves wearing shorts that are so short that if a gentle breeze blows, you could see his sickening stump. And to boot, this kind of guy likes to wear knee-high white socks with white shoes. Also, he seems to be going through some perpetual Captain phase. You know, the Captain from Captain and Tenelle. Only you don’t wanna be around when this captain takes part in his “muskrat” love. Someone should have this guy arrested.
2. Batman
This guy is great if you’re looking for a platonic relationship, but if you want more, you may be out of luck. This guy secretly likes to wear tights and big gaudy belts. He’d much rather hang out with his friend who wears tights like him down in their “cave” if you catch my meaning. Better to steer clear of any romantic involvement with this one, unless you’re a glutton for punishment.
3. Knight Rider
Well, this guy may sound cool and mysterious, but he’s a jackass. While you may desire his affection, he will not be around to give it because he will be in his car talking to the car. This guy loves his car so much that he actually names his car. He might look like a swinging hipster, but a guy who spends most of his day in his car even though the car is not running is not one for you. I can only imagine what he is probably doing with the gearshift.
4. Chachi Arcola
What we have here is a boy who may have a cooler, older cousin, but he’s a dork. You can quickly identify this jerk-off by the bandana tied around the leg. Trust me on this one, ladies, this boy thinks he’s suave and dapper, but he’s only going to get worse from here. And if you’re looking for a good future, this kind of guy is destined to become a male nanny for some white family. Just avoid the guys with stupid nicknames that actually allow themselves to be called this. Imagine if you have a kid with this guy, what he will want to call it—Potsie or something idiotic like that.
5. Reggie Jackson
Now, ladies, this guy will be hot at the start of the relationship, but as time wears on you’ll come to realize all this guy shoots for is sex. Eight months down the road when you want to just cuddle or hold his hand, he’ll be trying to hit a homerun with you, each and every time. It doesn’t matter where you are. You could be at your parents’ house, in church, taking a dump and this guy will inappropriately maul you while swinging for the fences. Now, if you like having sex while evacuating lunch, then maybe this is the guy for you.
6. The Incredible Hulk
You may swoon at his bulging muscles, but that’s all he is—muscles. The brain took leave of this guy long ago. You can clearly see this guy coming because you will be overtaken by the smell of steroids and flatulence. Unknown to most, when a guy gets this huge, he cannot control the muscular, yet pungent, air being fired out of his overdeveloped asshole. And whatever you do, do not get this guy pissed off. He will get so angry, he will actually start bursting out of his clothes because his muscles are expanding to great lengths. That is all his muscles except for, oh, the muscle in his pants. For some odd reason, that remains as tiny as ever. Life’s cruel joke.
7. Popeye the Sailor Man
If you like a healthy eater, this is your guy. But unfortunately, he only eats spinach. Well, I don’t mean he eats it. I mean, he chugs it down like a toilets chugs down your filthy disgusting mess. And as we all know, anyone who only eats spinach is not a pleasant person to follow into the restroom. Another thing with this guy is his forearms. They’re huge! But no other part of him is this way at all, which leads one to wonder if this guy is really combing his hair in the bathroom as long as he says he is. Best to avoid the sailor.
8. Maxwell Klinger
If you are comfortable with sharing your clothes with your boyfriend, then this is the guy for you. He loves to wear women’s clothing all the freakin’ time. Now, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, but all these guys tend to be gorilla-like hairy. How hairy? Well, when they’re all wet, they end up weighing about 50 pounds more. To give them a bikini wax, you’d have to start at the feet. After they get out of the shower, it looks like someone carpeted the bathtub. You can never tell when they are naked. That hairy. Also, these kind of guys will give you any excuse to get out of whatever you want them to do. They will present letters from their mother excusing them from going anywhere with you. Unless you like making out and then hacking up a hairball, best to not bed down with these guys.
9. David Lee Roth
First off, avoid any guy that goes by three names. More than likely, they are serial killers or fancy themselves a serial killer. This kind of guy is easy to spot. He won’t stop fucking talking about himself and constantly lives in the past. And they don’t really talk—they scat. That will get annoying within seconds. Also, when they get older, they will end up looking a lot like some distant aunt of yours. You know the aunt, the one nobody is sure if she had a sex change operation or not.
10. Gilligan
This fool will take you about a week to tire of, if that. This kind of guy wears the same clothes day in and day out. And not cool clothes, either. He dresses like a blind sailor, so much so he even wears a sailor cap. And while you may want to get affectionate with this one, he will not reciprocate your feelings. He will be more interested in some old fat man who is 40 years his senior. This one is just sick, unless you’re into that sort of thing. But at least have the common decency to wear gloves when handling the old fat man.
1. Captain Stubbing
You should be able to see this guy coming for miles. It’s real hard to miss. He loves to wear all white clothes. He loves wearing shorts that are so short that if a gentle breeze blows, you could see his sickening stump. And to boot, this kind of guy likes to wear knee-high white socks with white shoes. Also, he seems to be going through some perpetual Captain phase. You know, the Captain from Captain and Tenelle. Only you don’t wanna be around when this captain takes part in his “muskrat” love. Someone should have this guy arrested.
2. Batman
This guy is great if you’re looking for a platonic relationship, but if you want more, you may be out of luck. This guy secretly likes to wear tights and big gaudy belts. He’d much rather hang out with his friend who wears tights like him down in their “cave” if you catch my meaning. Better to steer clear of any romantic involvement with this one, unless you’re a glutton for punishment.
3. Knight Rider
Well, this guy may sound cool and mysterious, but he’s a jackass. While you may desire his affection, he will not be around to give it because he will be in his car talking to the car. This guy loves his car so much that he actually names his car. He might look like a swinging hipster, but a guy who spends most of his day in his car even though the car is not running is not one for you. I can only imagine what he is probably doing with the gearshift.
4. Chachi Arcola
What we have here is a boy who may have a cooler, older cousin, but he’s a dork. You can quickly identify this jerk-off by the bandana tied around the leg. Trust me on this one, ladies, this boy thinks he’s suave and dapper, but he’s only going to get worse from here. And if you’re looking for a good future, this kind of guy is destined to become a male nanny for some white family. Just avoid the guys with stupid nicknames that actually allow themselves to be called this. Imagine if you have a kid with this guy, what he will want to call it—Potsie or something idiotic like that.
5. Reggie Jackson
Now, ladies, this guy will be hot at the start of the relationship, but as time wears on you’ll come to realize all this guy shoots for is sex. Eight months down the road when you want to just cuddle or hold his hand, he’ll be trying to hit a homerun with you, each and every time. It doesn’t matter where you are. You could be at your parents’ house, in church, taking a dump and this guy will inappropriately maul you while swinging for the fences. Now, if you like having sex while evacuating lunch, then maybe this is the guy for you.
6. The Incredible Hulk
You may swoon at his bulging muscles, but that’s all he is—muscles. The brain took leave of this guy long ago. You can clearly see this guy coming because you will be overtaken by the smell of steroids and flatulence. Unknown to most, when a guy gets this huge, he cannot control the muscular, yet pungent, air being fired out of his overdeveloped asshole. And whatever you do, do not get this guy pissed off. He will get so angry, he will actually start bursting out of his clothes because his muscles are expanding to great lengths. That is all his muscles except for, oh, the muscle in his pants. For some odd reason, that remains as tiny as ever. Life’s cruel joke.
7. Popeye the Sailor Man
If you like a healthy eater, this is your guy. But unfortunately, he only eats spinach. Well, I don’t mean he eats it. I mean, he chugs it down like a toilets chugs down your filthy disgusting mess. And as we all know, anyone who only eats spinach is not a pleasant person to follow into the restroom. Another thing with this guy is his forearms. They’re huge! But no other part of him is this way at all, which leads one to wonder if this guy is really combing his hair in the bathroom as long as he says he is. Best to avoid the sailor.
8. Maxwell Klinger
If you are comfortable with sharing your clothes with your boyfriend, then this is the guy for you. He loves to wear women’s clothing all the freakin’ time. Now, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, but all these guys tend to be gorilla-like hairy. How hairy? Well, when they’re all wet, they end up weighing about 50 pounds more. To give them a bikini wax, you’d have to start at the feet. After they get out of the shower, it looks like someone carpeted the bathtub. You can never tell when they are naked. That hairy. Also, these kind of guys will give you any excuse to get out of whatever you want them to do. They will present letters from their mother excusing them from going anywhere with you. Unless you like making out and then hacking up a hairball, best to not bed down with these guys.
9. David Lee Roth
First off, avoid any guy that goes by three names. More than likely, they are serial killers or fancy themselves a serial killer. This kind of guy is easy to spot. He won’t stop fucking talking about himself and constantly lives in the past. And they don’t really talk—they scat. That will get annoying within seconds. Also, when they get older, they will end up looking a lot like some distant aunt of yours. You know the aunt, the one nobody is sure if she had a sex change operation or not.
10. Gilligan
This fool will take you about a week to tire of, if that. This kind of guy wears the same clothes day in and day out. And not cool clothes, either. He dresses like a blind sailor, so much so he even wears a sailor cap. And while you may want to get affectionate with this one, he will not reciprocate your feelings. He will be more interested in some old fat man who is 40 years his senior. This one is just sick, unless you’re into that sort of thing. But at least have the common decency to wear gloves when handling the old fat man.
posted by Cruzbomb at 10:52 PM
1 Comments:
Before entering the convent I worked in the holy world of rock and roll. David Lee Roth like some of those reliving their yesteryear had a tendency to talk about themselves in the first person. For example, "hello, I'm calling to arrange an interview for you with Rock Your Ass Off (sorry Jesus) Magazine." Reply: "Well, I Fabulous '70s Rock Guy do not grant interviews with anyone unless I'm on the cover."
Hence, I ran for cover...
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