IT'S STRICTLY A LOVE AFFAIR - HAYLEY MILLS AND I
Dear Diary, I have fallen in love with the girls from the movie “The Parent Trap” and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Yes, this is the story of how I fell in love with “The Parent Trap,” and in turn its star, Hayley Mills.
I was a young robust child with nothing to do on a Sunday evening, and so I tuned into the “Wonderful World of Disney” on ABC at 7:00 p.m. to watch whatever the hell they were showing. Well, what they were showing changed my life… forever. They were showing “The Parent Trap.” This movie starred Hayley Mills and… Hayley Mills. Confused? Well, I sure was.
You see, the movie is about two girls who are sent to a summer camp. I guess they used to do this sort of thing—ship the kids off in the summer to some summer-long camp deal. Whatever. Well, these two girls have come from different parts of the US and have never met before, or so they think. Sharon McKendrick comes from a divorced society family in Boston. Her mother, Maureen O’Hara, is currently raising her. Susan Evers comes from a divorced family too, but only she lives in Carmel with her father, Brian Keith. Confused? Well, I sure was.
Now, these two girls end up running into each other at the camp and it’s there that they realize they look exactly alike. At first, they are stupefied by their resemblance. But do they sit and talk about it, or do any of their friends encourage them to speak? No! Their friends actually start pushing for our lovely identical twins to fight. One even says, “Why, the nerve of her coming here with your face.” What a jackass! One of these girls is Larue from the “Gidget” TV show. I didn’t like her there and I don’t like her here.
Well, the girls eventually get their wish. Our twins, Sharon and Susan, get into a most beautiful chick fight. It all happens at some coed dance with the boys’ camp from across the lake. It’s a classic chick fight too. They start pulling each other’s hair and wrestling on the ground. It was here exactly that my eyes were as wide as a crack addict’s after a big toke. I instantly fell in love with these two twins. They wrestled and rolled around on the floor until they eventually knocked over the record player that provided this dance with the swinging music. Then the movie faded to a commercial. I almost cursed the TV, but the only curse words I knew at this time were “Jiminy Cricket” and that didn’t really seem to have any effect on anything. Damn that Disney!!!
As you can guess, Sharon and Susan are severely punished. And what is there punishment? They are made to stay in a cabin together and are forced to do everything together for the rest of their time at camp. The only time they even get to talk to their other friends is for the hot shower scene. Seriously, they show Susan and her friends in the shower discussing her plight. Chick fighting and all-girl shower scenes, I couldn’t believe it. I was on edge the whole time waiting for my mom to barge in and turn the TV off while savagely beating me. But she never came in the room. Thank you, Lord.
As you might have guessed, one thing leads to another and our twins discover they were separated when they were one-year-old. That’s right, they discover they’re sisters. From then on they love each other. Sappy, yes, but I was loving it, so shut up. Then they hatch the plan to begin the… parent trap. They agree to switch places, with Sharon going to Carmel to Brian Keith and Susan going to Boston to Maureen O’Hara. Sharon and Susan knew eventually their parents would have to switch them back, and that means they would have to see each other again.
Of course, nothing would be this easy. Once Sharon gets to Carmel, Brian Keith lets her know he’s engaged to a woman named Vicky Robinson. Vicky is your typical evil Disney female figure, with the likes of Cruella Da Vil and the Wicked Queen from “Sleeping Beauty.” Disney must have hated women. Well, she wants to marry Brian Keith for his million bucks. Now, Vicky is not really what would you call “easy on the eye.” She constantly has a look on her face like she just bit into something sour and just smelled shit at the same time. A real winner this one was.
Sharon and Susan now have to reveal their secret and break up this engagement and get their parents back together. So Maureen O’Hara comes out to Carmel with Susan and disrupts the whole wedding planning of Vicky’s. Now, Maureen and Brian don’t immediately get on. In fact, they argue and argue, and Maureen evens throws a punch at Mr. Keith. Sharon and Susan have their work cut out for each other, but I would not get to see how they handle this until after the 29th commercial interruption!!!
A classic scene in this movie is when the twins arrange for a private dinner with their divorced parents and perform a song. This song is entitled “Let’s Get Together.” This has to be the most catchy and heart-warming song ever. How it did not win the Oscar that year for best original song is beyond me. Well, the parents almost get caught up in the moment and kiss, but Vicky the horse shows up and blows the whole deal. Now, as great as this scene was, I thought maybe a good chick fight here would have been even better. One surely wasn’t enough.
The twins eventually get rid of Vicky and get their parents to fall back in love and get remarried. Yes, folks, the parent trap worked, and the movie ends with the divorced parents getting married and Sharon and Susan smiling at each other. Now, I sat there and waited for the credits to roll so I could find out who the twins really were. Only the credits never rolled. The damn movie just faded to black and that was it. I was like, “What in the Jiminy Cricket’s up with that?”
Fortunately, my mom had seen the movie before and she knew who the twins were, and told me—Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. I was amazed and pissed all at once. I mean, this is where I first learned about movie magic, but in this instance, movie magic made a complete fool of me. How could Disney set out to make fools out of kids? I thought he hated women. That bastard.
I had spread my love around too far. Now I could scale it back to just one girl—Hayley Mills. She was all I really wanted anymore, except for scooter pies and Fresca. I later got to see Hayley’s first movie for the Disney studios, “Pollyanna,” and one she did in 1965 called “That Darn Cat.” She was simply wonderful in both these classics, but “The Parent Trap” was my favorite movie. There was no hope for other movies to ever knock this movie off the top of my list.
Throughout the years, my love for Hayley has only grown stronger. I had to learn everything I could about her. And so I did. I learned that she fucking got married! Calm down, calm down. Okay, I’m calm. Oh, yeah, she got married, to a half-ass director who was 33 years her senior. What was she thinking? Wasn’t she getting my letters? Okay, I might have been way too young for her at the time, and if we had been together back then it might have been frowned on by most societies, but 33 years her senior! This guy must have impressed her with lines like, “Hey, when I got my first gray hair, you were 1.” Why, Hayley, why? Calm down, calm down.
Nevertheless, I eventually got over this and remained in love with Hayley Mills. But maybe it was time for me to realize that I was in love with the Hayley Mills in “The Parent Trap” just because there was two of her to go around. They did make three “Parent Trap” sequels, but I refused to see them after I saw part of the first sequel. This is where I learned that I hate sequels and the assholes that make them. How could Disney try to make another quick buck off this kid with these sequels? I thought he hated women.
Hayley Mills did star in a TV show in 1987 called “Good Morning, Miss Bliss.” This show eventually came to be known as “Saved By the Bell: the Junior High Years.” Still, it just wasn’t doing it for me. I believe the last thing she was in was last year and it was called “2BPerfectly Honest.” Now, on the spelling alone of this title I refuse to see it. “2B,” what brilliance!
Well, the years have rolled on and many things have changed, but “The Parent Trap” remains a constant in my life. Why, many a holidays when my family gathers at my parents’ house, I bring this movie over and make everyone watch it while I recite the lines along with the characters. Needless to say, my family hates me. But they cannot deny the greatness of “The Parent Trap.” It is where my love begins and goes on and on. The tagline of this movie was “It’s strictly a laugh affair.” To me, it became much more. Hayley Mills set out to trap her parents and eventually trapped me.
Hayley Mills, wherever you are, this Valentine’s for you.
I was a young robust child with nothing to do on a Sunday evening, and so I tuned into the “Wonderful World of Disney” on ABC at 7:00 p.m. to watch whatever the hell they were showing. Well, what they were showing changed my life… forever. They were showing “The Parent Trap.” This movie starred Hayley Mills and… Hayley Mills. Confused? Well, I sure was.
You see, the movie is about two girls who are sent to a summer camp. I guess they used to do this sort of thing—ship the kids off in the summer to some summer-long camp deal. Whatever. Well, these two girls have come from different parts of the US and have never met before, or so they think. Sharon McKendrick comes from a divorced society family in Boston. Her mother, Maureen O’Hara, is currently raising her. Susan Evers comes from a divorced family too, but only she lives in Carmel with her father, Brian Keith. Confused? Well, I sure was.
Now, these two girls end up running into each other at the camp and it’s there that they realize they look exactly alike. At first, they are stupefied by their resemblance. But do they sit and talk about it, or do any of their friends encourage them to speak? No! Their friends actually start pushing for our lovely identical twins to fight. One even says, “Why, the nerve of her coming here with your face.” What a jackass! One of these girls is Larue from the “Gidget” TV show. I didn’t like her there and I don’t like her here.
Well, the girls eventually get their wish. Our twins, Sharon and Susan, get into a most beautiful chick fight. It all happens at some coed dance with the boys’ camp from across the lake. It’s a classic chick fight too. They start pulling each other’s hair and wrestling on the ground. It was here exactly that my eyes were as wide as a crack addict’s after a big toke. I instantly fell in love with these two twins. They wrestled and rolled around on the floor until they eventually knocked over the record player that provided this dance with the swinging music. Then the movie faded to a commercial. I almost cursed the TV, but the only curse words I knew at this time were “Jiminy Cricket” and that didn’t really seem to have any effect on anything. Damn that Disney!!!
As you can guess, Sharon and Susan are severely punished. And what is there punishment? They are made to stay in a cabin together and are forced to do everything together for the rest of their time at camp. The only time they even get to talk to their other friends is for the hot shower scene. Seriously, they show Susan and her friends in the shower discussing her plight. Chick fighting and all-girl shower scenes, I couldn’t believe it. I was on edge the whole time waiting for my mom to barge in and turn the TV off while savagely beating me. But she never came in the room. Thank you, Lord.
As you might have guessed, one thing leads to another and our twins discover they were separated when they were one-year-old. That’s right, they discover they’re sisters. From then on they love each other. Sappy, yes, but I was loving it, so shut up. Then they hatch the plan to begin the… parent trap. They agree to switch places, with Sharon going to Carmel to Brian Keith and Susan going to Boston to Maureen O’Hara. Sharon and Susan knew eventually their parents would have to switch them back, and that means they would have to see each other again.
Of course, nothing would be this easy. Once Sharon gets to Carmel, Brian Keith lets her know he’s engaged to a woman named Vicky Robinson. Vicky is your typical evil Disney female figure, with the likes of Cruella Da Vil and the Wicked Queen from “Sleeping Beauty.” Disney must have hated women. Well, she wants to marry Brian Keith for his million bucks. Now, Vicky is not really what would you call “easy on the eye.” She constantly has a look on her face like she just bit into something sour and just smelled shit at the same time. A real winner this one was.
Sharon and Susan now have to reveal their secret and break up this engagement and get their parents back together. So Maureen O’Hara comes out to Carmel with Susan and disrupts the whole wedding planning of Vicky’s. Now, Maureen and Brian don’t immediately get on. In fact, they argue and argue, and Maureen evens throws a punch at Mr. Keith. Sharon and Susan have their work cut out for each other, but I would not get to see how they handle this until after the 29th commercial interruption!!!
A classic scene in this movie is when the twins arrange for a private dinner with their divorced parents and perform a song. This song is entitled “Let’s Get Together.” This has to be the most catchy and heart-warming song ever. How it did not win the Oscar that year for best original song is beyond me. Well, the parents almost get caught up in the moment and kiss, but Vicky the horse shows up and blows the whole deal. Now, as great as this scene was, I thought maybe a good chick fight here would have been even better. One surely wasn’t enough.
The twins eventually get rid of Vicky and get their parents to fall back in love and get remarried. Yes, folks, the parent trap worked, and the movie ends with the divorced parents getting married and Sharon and Susan smiling at each other. Now, I sat there and waited for the credits to roll so I could find out who the twins really were. Only the credits never rolled. The damn movie just faded to black and that was it. I was like, “What in the Jiminy Cricket’s up with that?”
Fortunately, my mom had seen the movie before and she knew who the twins were, and told me—Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills. I was amazed and pissed all at once. I mean, this is where I first learned about movie magic, but in this instance, movie magic made a complete fool of me. How could Disney set out to make fools out of kids? I thought he hated women. That bastard.
I had spread my love around too far. Now I could scale it back to just one girl—Hayley Mills. She was all I really wanted anymore, except for scooter pies and Fresca. I later got to see Hayley’s first movie for the Disney studios, “Pollyanna,” and one she did in 1965 called “That Darn Cat.” She was simply wonderful in both these classics, but “The Parent Trap” was my favorite movie. There was no hope for other movies to ever knock this movie off the top of my list.
Throughout the years, my love for Hayley has only grown stronger. I had to learn everything I could about her. And so I did. I learned that she fucking got married! Calm down, calm down. Okay, I’m calm. Oh, yeah, she got married, to a half-ass director who was 33 years her senior. What was she thinking? Wasn’t she getting my letters? Okay, I might have been way too young for her at the time, and if we had been together back then it might have been frowned on by most societies, but 33 years her senior! This guy must have impressed her with lines like, “Hey, when I got my first gray hair, you were 1.” Why, Hayley, why? Calm down, calm down.
Nevertheless, I eventually got over this and remained in love with Hayley Mills. But maybe it was time for me to realize that I was in love with the Hayley Mills in “The Parent Trap” just because there was two of her to go around. They did make three “Parent Trap” sequels, but I refused to see them after I saw part of the first sequel. This is where I learned that I hate sequels and the assholes that make them. How could Disney try to make another quick buck off this kid with these sequels? I thought he hated women.
Hayley Mills did star in a TV show in 1987 called “Good Morning, Miss Bliss.” This show eventually came to be known as “Saved By the Bell: the Junior High Years.” Still, it just wasn’t doing it for me. I believe the last thing she was in was last year and it was called “2BPerfectly Honest.” Now, on the spelling alone of this title I refuse to see it. “2B,” what brilliance!
Well, the years have rolled on and many things have changed, but “The Parent Trap” remains a constant in my life. Why, many a holidays when my family gathers at my parents’ house, I bring this movie over and make everyone watch it while I recite the lines along with the characters. Needless to say, my family hates me. But they cannot deny the greatness of “The Parent Trap.” It is where my love begins and goes on and on. The tagline of this movie was “It’s strictly a laugh affair.” To me, it became much more. Hayley Mills set out to trap her parents and eventually trapped me.
Hayley Mills, wherever you are, this Valentine’s for you.
posted by Cruzbomb at 8:34 PM
4 Comments:
I bet you did like Hayley as a kid. Made you feel uncomfortable, huh, McGregor? Kind of like that Replacements concert in London, huh?
What a hilarious and touching tribute to my own girl Hayley. I first remember seeing her as a budding teen in "The Moonspinners," which I saw in the theater with my older brother--wow. Then I saw more of her teen hijinks in "The Chalk Garden" and "The Trouble With Angels," which were regularly run on KPTV channel 12 in Portland...how could I not fall in love, especially with that accent and that slightly scratchy voice? Bruce
I personally got "a nut" for Hayley when she starred, with Rosalind Russell as Mother Superior no less, in that divine picture, The Trouble With Angels. Hmm, did I say that?
Me too love to see a real good chick-fight. Just lovely.
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