FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: VALENTINE'S DAY.
Welcome to another round of drunken ramblings, vulgarities, disturbing thoughts and sheer bitterness, not all in that order. Tonight’s drunken rant is brought to you by mai tai’s. Is everybody in? Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. Wake up.
Tonight’s topic is on Valentine’s Day. Now, do you know the damn history of this day and how it all came into being? Well, pull up a beanbag, get out the lava lamp and I’ll tell you all about it. It all started back in 1835 by a man named James “Tippy Toes” Miller. Now, ol’ Tippy Toes was basically your run-of-the-mill jackass. You know, the kind of person you usually accuse of stepping in dog crap when you smell something bad. That kind of person.
Well, Tippy Toes had a gal he was sweet on, and she was mighty tolerant of him. Ah, sweet affection. Well, one day, back in February of 1835, Jimmy got himself into a bit of a pickle with his sweetheart lady— he got caught with a lady of the evening. Now, Tippy Toes wasn’t doing anything. In fact, he told his cupcake he was only giving the lady a ride home on his donkey. His pookie bear, being a proper Southern woman, took her leave of Tippy Toes, but not before kicking him in the sweet spot.
Needless, to say, his baby doll was quite pissed. I mean, how far did Tippy Toes think her tolerance stretched? Well, he tried and tried to talk to his buttercup, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with his jackass self, so he had to resort to drastic measures. He needed to really start kissing some ass, 1800 style.
Before Tippy Toes could put his plan into action, the whole town found about his good-natured “ride” with the pungent hooker. He knew he needed to act fast. Once the single gentlemen callers hear about his sugar britches being free, they’ll come sniffing around like dogs who have just finished licking themselves. So, old Tippy Toes gathered up all the flowers he could. I mean, he even picked some poison ivy and got quite a rash. Now, he really looked guilty. I mean, the sudden appearance of a rash. I told you this guy was a jackass.
Somehow, he convinced the mayor of this one-horse town to gather up all the inbred townsfolk onto the main street. He then covered the street with all these fuckin’ flowers he picked. Then he convinced his sugar pie to meet him on the main street. When she arrived and saw the whole ugly town, she was giddy with ignorant Southern glee. She thought they were all there to lynch Tippy Toes. I mean, he had been almost lynched once, but that was for committing the offense of Swaigurism-- copying someone’s else’s stupid hick walk. Like I said, a jackass in a one-horse town.
Now Tippy Toes got her in front of the whole miserable town and the slightly-perverted mayor (he had a fetish for his own feet), and he had the mayor make his announcement. The mayor announced that on this day, February 14, 1835, and forever on would be formally known as his honey bottom’s day—Bertha “Battle-Ax” Valentine’s Day. Then to really save face, Tippy Toes got down on one knee and asked Bertha to be his wife-- his horrible, disgusting, freakin’ wife. She was so overcome with emotion, she said “Maybe.” Then the whole town cheered, and then got wasted on moonshine and butter.
So this is why Valentine’s Day came into being. This day can be either really sweet for you or a very lonely day, pending on your personal situation. Now, I’ve had some very nice Valentine’s Day and some really bad ones. One really bad one was when my soon-to-be ex-wife filed for divorce on Valentine’s Day and made me go with her on Valentine’s Day. But that was then, and this is now.
And now I am thankful for all the bad things that have happened to me in relationships, no matter what it was. I am thankful for getting dumped really bad twice. I am thankful for the awful things that were said to hurt me by anyone I was dating. I am thankful for being left alone on Valentine’s Day and for the tears I cried then. And do you know why I am thankful for these bad times? Because it is not just the good times, but also the bad times that have shaped me into what I am today and where I am. My ex-wife is now my really good friend. I have great friends, a passion for life, people who seem to really love me, a supportive and loving family and a special someone. Maybe certain things could be better, or maybe not. But come this Valentine’s Day, I’ll just remember there is love, and that is all that really matters. Have a happy Valentine’s Day.
Tonight’s topic is on Valentine’s Day. Now, do you know the damn history of this day and how it all came into being? Well, pull up a beanbag, get out the lava lamp and I’ll tell you all about it. It all started back in 1835 by a man named James “Tippy Toes” Miller. Now, ol’ Tippy Toes was basically your run-of-the-mill jackass. You know, the kind of person you usually accuse of stepping in dog crap when you smell something bad. That kind of person.
Well, Tippy Toes had a gal he was sweet on, and she was mighty tolerant of him. Ah, sweet affection. Well, one day, back in February of 1835, Jimmy got himself into a bit of a pickle with his sweetheart lady— he got caught with a lady of the evening. Now, Tippy Toes wasn’t doing anything. In fact, he told his cupcake he was only giving the lady a ride home on his donkey. His pookie bear, being a proper Southern woman, took her leave of Tippy Toes, but not before kicking him in the sweet spot.
Needless, to say, his baby doll was quite pissed. I mean, how far did Tippy Toes think her tolerance stretched? Well, he tried and tried to talk to his buttercup, but she wouldn’t have anything to do with his jackass self, so he had to resort to drastic measures. He needed to really start kissing some ass, 1800 style.
Before Tippy Toes could put his plan into action, the whole town found about his good-natured “ride” with the pungent hooker. He knew he needed to act fast. Once the single gentlemen callers hear about his sugar britches being free, they’ll come sniffing around like dogs who have just finished licking themselves. So, old Tippy Toes gathered up all the flowers he could. I mean, he even picked some poison ivy and got quite a rash. Now, he really looked guilty. I mean, the sudden appearance of a rash. I told you this guy was a jackass.
Somehow, he convinced the mayor of this one-horse town to gather up all the inbred townsfolk onto the main street. He then covered the street with all these fuckin’ flowers he picked. Then he convinced his sugar pie to meet him on the main street. When she arrived and saw the whole ugly town, she was giddy with ignorant Southern glee. She thought they were all there to lynch Tippy Toes. I mean, he had been almost lynched once, but that was for committing the offense of Swaigurism-- copying someone’s else’s stupid hick walk. Like I said, a jackass in a one-horse town.
Now Tippy Toes got her in front of the whole miserable town and the slightly-perverted mayor (he had a fetish for his own feet), and he had the mayor make his announcement. The mayor announced that on this day, February 14, 1835, and forever on would be formally known as his honey bottom’s day—Bertha “Battle-Ax” Valentine’s Day. Then to really save face, Tippy Toes got down on one knee and asked Bertha to be his wife-- his horrible, disgusting, freakin’ wife. She was so overcome with emotion, she said “Maybe.” Then the whole town cheered, and then got wasted on moonshine and butter.
So this is why Valentine’s Day came into being. This day can be either really sweet for you or a very lonely day, pending on your personal situation. Now, I’ve had some very nice Valentine’s Day and some really bad ones. One really bad one was when my soon-to-be ex-wife filed for divorce on Valentine’s Day and made me go with her on Valentine’s Day. But that was then, and this is now.
And now I am thankful for all the bad things that have happened to me in relationships, no matter what it was. I am thankful for getting dumped really bad twice. I am thankful for the awful things that were said to hurt me by anyone I was dating. I am thankful for being left alone on Valentine’s Day and for the tears I cried then. And do you know why I am thankful for these bad times? Because it is not just the good times, but also the bad times that have shaped me into what I am today and where I am. My ex-wife is now my really good friend. I have great friends, a passion for life, people who seem to really love me, a supportive and loving family and a special someone. Maybe certain things could be better, or maybe not. But come this Valentine’s Day, I’ll just remember there is love, and that is all that really matters. Have a happy Valentine’s Day.
posted by Cruzbomb at 11:11 PM
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