TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS -- TOP TEN WAYS I HAVE HUMILIATED MYSELF
1. When I was about six, it was the summer and I was at my friend’s house and we were running through the sprinklers. I didn’t have any shorts to wear, so I borrowed a pair of his. We were running through the sprinklers, enjoying ourselves as we cooled off. Then my friend went inside to take dispose of some old food (crap). All of a sudden I realized I was supposed to be home a while ago. I couldn’t wait for my friend any longer. I did what I had to do—I took off the trunks and ran home… naked, I only lived down the street, and it didn’t seem wrong for some reason, but when I was about four houses from being home, I began to notice the shocked looks on my neighbors’ faces as they watered their lawns or sat on their porches. It was then that it hit me. And nothing is worse than feeling like a jackass while being completely naked in public.
2. Once when I was out on a six-mile jog, I was three miles from making it home and all of sudden something in my stomach dropped with a vengeance. At first I fought through it and made it for about two miles. Then with one mile to go I couldn’t go on and I was only around houses of people I didn’t know. On a side note, there was one bathroom on this route, but it was never open. I was screwed. I was like Mt. St. Helens, only from the ass. Then for the next five minutes as I struggled to walk home, I saw friends and family drive by. I was yelling and waving at me. You know what they did? They honked their horns and waved, like I was saying “hi” to them. No one stopped, and I was on my own. Even if they did stop, I couldn’t blame the smell on just pure sweat anyway, now that I think about it. Needless to say, I don’t run on courses without bathrooms all around.
3. Now this one wasn’t so bad for me as it could have been. I was in the seventh grade and we had just eaten our lunch. We were back in class. I sat second from the back in the corner. There was a boy named Charles behind me. Well, our teacher had done something to make us all laugh really hard (she was probably hitting somebody), and I did something so natural, there was no way it could be wrong—I farted really, really loud. All of the sudden everyone turned towards my direction and I knew our teacher was going to be pissed. Fortunately, I reacted with them and I immediately turned around to Charles sitting behind me. He was laughing too hard to tell anybody he didn’t do it soon enough, and I was in the clear, so to speak. Not really humiliating to me, but it was a close enough call to make this list.
4. Like any growing boy, I excelled at one sport—masturbation. I was so good at it that I was sure sponsors would come knocking at my door asking me to represent their product—you know, hand cream, gloves, cheese graters. Well, one day I was just too irresistible, I couldn’t keep my hands off myself, so I partook of this activity several times. Well, by doing so, I gave myself a severe groin injury. I had to walk around the next day all awkward and gingerly. I just told friends and family I had been out riding horses the day before, even though there were no horses anywhere I could get to. They all did look at me weird, but may or may not have been none the wiser.
5. This is one I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with at one time or another. I was at a bar and I was trying to impress this girl. At one point we both went to use the restroom. There were two restrooms and they both had one toilet each. Well, while she was in hers, some guy comes out of mine sweating profusely, And the smell that followed him was horrendous. I mean, I actually started crying it was that bad. There was no one else in line behind me, but I couldn’t wait anymore. I took three deep breaths and ran in to pee. Well, when I came out I was now sweating from the freakin’ heat from the previous man’s destruction, and there was a line and this girl waiting for me. The smell from this restroom stormed out into their faces and they all gasped. I tried to explain I didn’t do it, but no one believed me. Maybe this was karma for letting Charles take the fall for my flatulence.
6. This next one occurs at a mall by my house. My mother took me shopping for clothes. She dressed me, so why not buy the clothes too. Well, I got separated from her and I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t see her anymore. I started crying because I thought she left me. I was scared as hell. Fortunately, someone from the store took me to their PA system and made an announcement for my mom to come find me. This employee tried to console me—well, sort of—but I just kept on crying. Finally, my mom came and got me. She didn’t look relieved as she did pissed off. Maybe it was because I was 16 at the time. Maybe this one should actually go on my mom’s humiliating list.
7. This all started because of the booze. Sometimes booze isn’t my friend. Well, one night I had way too much to drink and passed out. At least I thought I passed out. Apparently, I went to my friend’s room to pass out. I must have thought I was alone in the room because I took off all my clothes and walked to the bathroom. Then I came back and climbed on her bed. I guess I started singing along with the music that was playing. The unfortunate thing was that Abba was playing, or so I’ve been told. When I woke up the next morning, I was naked in my friend’s bed with my friend. At first I thought this is kind of good and kind of bad. Only later when she told me all of what I did that humiliation set it in. And somewhere to this day there is a picture of me naked in a room full of people singing Abba as loud as I could,
8. This one was all because of the damn Internet! I was writing this heartfelt e-mail to this girl. I mean, I was really pouring my heart out to her. I had actually written her a poem. It was tender and sweet and really made it clear how I felt about her. Well, it took me about a minute to get up the courage to send it to her. I went to my address book and clicked on her name and hit “send.” Now there’s nothing wrong with this, except I accidentally picked someone else’s name from that damn address book. I sent this tender and heart-exposing e-mail to the wrong person. And that jerk forwarded to all our mutual friends who then forwarded it to that girl. The other problem was I didn’t realize I did this till I was bombarded with e-mails. And then humiliation set in.
9. I’ll never forget this one. I brought this girl to stay overnight with me at my house when I lived alone. Now, this sounds good so far, doesn’t it? I mean, I brought her back to my house for—oh, how shall I explain this so you can understand it—sex!!! Well, we were fooling around and had a bit to drink and passed out. Then I woke up to a viciously skin-ripping smell. I thought, “Oh, my God! I’ve been farting.” I just hoped she wouldn’t wake up. Then about a minute passed and then I heard a fart, only it wasn’t coming from me. She was farting. She proceeded to blast a series of farts for the next 15 minutes, each one worse than the previous one. Then she farted so hard on the last one, she woke herself up. She immediately took one whiff and gagged. Then she started yelling at me about how disgusting I was. She was blaming me for her animal-killing flatulence. I told her it was her that was doing it and not me. This made her even madder. Finally, she calmed down and we both went back to sleep. The worst part of all this is that we didn’t even have sex!!! And she is probably somewhere in this world right now telling someone how I was farting!
10. This last one is an easy thing to explain. A big humiliating thing that happened to me was sharing this list with everybody. Of course, this humiliation will hit me tomorrow.
2. Once when I was out on a six-mile jog, I was three miles from making it home and all of sudden something in my stomach dropped with a vengeance. At first I fought through it and made it for about two miles. Then with one mile to go I couldn’t go on and I was only around houses of people I didn’t know. On a side note, there was one bathroom on this route, but it was never open. I was screwed. I was like Mt. St. Helens, only from the ass. Then for the next five minutes as I struggled to walk home, I saw friends and family drive by. I was yelling and waving at me. You know what they did? They honked their horns and waved, like I was saying “hi” to them. No one stopped, and I was on my own. Even if they did stop, I couldn’t blame the smell on just pure sweat anyway, now that I think about it. Needless to say, I don’t run on courses without bathrooms all around.
3. Now this one wasn’t so bad for me as it could have been. I was in the seventh grade and we had just eaten our lunch. We were back in class. I sat second from the back in the corner. There was a boy named Charles behind me. Well, our teacher had done something to make us all laugh really hard (she was probably hitting somebody), and I did something so natural, there was no way it could be wrong—I farted really, really loud. All of the sudden everyone turned towards my direction and I knew our teacher was going to be pissed. Fortunately, I reacted with them and I immediately turned around to Charles sitting behind me. He was laughing too hard to tell anybody he didn’t do it soon enough, and I was in the clear, so to speak. Not really humiliating to me, but it was a close enough call to make this list.
4. Like any growing boy, I excelled at one sport—masturbation. I was so good at it that I was sure sponsors would come knocking at my door asking me to represent their product—you know, hand cream, gloves, cheese graters. Well, one day I was just too irresistible, I couldn’t keep my hands off myself, so I partook of this activity several times. Well, by doing so, I gave myself a severe groin injury. I had to walk around the next day all awkward and gingerly. I just told friends and family I had been out riding horses the day before, even though there were no horses anywhere I could get to. They all did look at me weird, but may or may not have been none the wiser.
5. This is one I’m sure we’ve all had to deal with at one time or another. I was at a bar and I was trying to impress this girl. At one point we both went to use the restroom. There were two restrooms and they both had one toilet each. Well, while she was in hers, some guy comes out of mine sweating profusely, And the smell that followed him was horrendous. I mean, I actually started crying it was that bad. There was no one else in line behind me, but I couldn’t wait anymore. I took three deep breaths and ran in to pee. Well, when I came out I was now sweating from the freakin’ heat from the previous man’s destruction, and there was a line and this girl waiting for me. The smell from this restroom stormed out into their faces and they all gasped. I tried to explain I didn’t do it, but no one believed me. Maybe this was karma for letting Charles take the fall for my flatulence.
6. This next one occurs at a mall by my house. My mother took me shopping for clothes. She dressed me, so why not buy the clothes too. Well, I got separated from her and I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t see her anymore. I started crying because I thought she left me. I was scared as hell. Fortunately, someone from the store took me to their PA system and made an announcement for my mom to come find me. This employee tried to console me—well, sort of—but I just kept on crying. Finally, my mom came and got me. She didn’t look relieved as she did pissed off. Maybe it was because I was 16 at the time. Maybe this one should actually go on my mom’s humiliating list.
7. This all started because of the booze. Sometimes booze isn’t my friend. Well, one night I had way too much to drink and passed out. At least I thought I passed out. Apparently, I went to my friend’s room to pass out. I must have thought I was alone in the room because I took off all my clothes and walked to the bathroom. Then I came back and climbed on her bed. I guess I started singing along with the music that was playing. The unfortunate thing was that Abba was playing, or so I’ve been told. When I woke up the next morning, I was naked in my friend’s bed with my friend. At first I thought this is kind of good and kind of bad. Only later when she told me all of what I did that humiliation set it in. And somewhere to this day there is a picture of me naked in a room full of people singing Abba as loud as I could,
8. This one was all because of the damn Internet! I was writing this heartfelt e-mail to this girl. I mean, I was really pouring my heart out to her. I had actually written her a poem. It was tender and sweet and really made it clear how I felt about her. Well, it took me about a minute to get up the courage to send it to her. I went to my address book and clicked on her name and hit “send.” Now there’s nothing wrong with this, except I accidentally picked someone else’s name from that damn address book. I sent this tender and heart-exposing e-mail to the wrong person. And that jerk forwarded to all our mutual friends who then forwarded it to that girl. The other problem was I didn’t realize I did this till I was bombarded with e-mails. And then humiliation set in.
9. I’ll never forget this one. I brought this girl to stay overnight with me at my house when I lived alone. Now, this sounds good so far, doesn’t it? I mean, I brought her back to my house for—oh, how shall I explain this so you can understand it—sex!!! Well, we were fooling around and had a bit to drink and passed out. Then I woke up to a viciously skin-ripping smell. I thought, “Oh, my God! I’ve been farting.” I just hoped she wouldn’t wake up. Then about a minute passed and then I heard a fart, only it wasn’t coming from me. She was farting. She proceeded to blast a series of farts for the next 15 minutes, each one worse than the previous one. Then she farted so hard on the last one, she woke herself up. She immediately took one whiff and gagged. Then she started yelling at me about how disgusting I was. She was blaming me for her animal-killing flatulence. I told her it was her that was doing it and not me. This made her even madder. Finally, she calmed down and we both went back to sleep. The worst part of all this is that we didn’t even have sex!!! And she is probably somewhere in this world right now telling someone how I was farting!
10. This last one is an easy thing to explain. A big humiliating thing that happened to me was sharing this list with everybody. Of course, this humiliation will hit me tomorrow.
posted by Cruzbomb at 9:12 PM
4 Comments:
Okay, should I tell you/the entire world about my horrific drive home from Dodger Stadium one fateful night a few summers ago? And how difficult do you think it'd be to get Our Friend Who Sits Behind Me to log on and tell the root bee story?
For better or worse, I would not be able to prepare such a list. You see, I was born with a magical gift -- the ability to have any and all humiliating experiences permanetly erased from my memory. I don't even have to do anything to make it happens; my brain takes care of it all by itself.
~ Sharon J
Gawd Almighty!! You are funny!! :-))
You want humiliation? Try having someone leave a comment on your blog claiming they were caught staring at a magazine because they never saw a naked person before. Yeah, right. Listen here, "Thom," humiliation is having an erect johnson during Sunday service at church when you're an altar boy and no matter what, it won't go down. All this while the priest is giving a sermon about the evil lust in people's hearts! Then he turns around and sees you aroused to all hell! That's humiliation. By the way, were those naked bodies cute?
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