Top ten worst Halloween costumes I ever chose

Top Ten Tuesdays Presents

Top ten worst Halloween costumes I ever chose

1.      A nun

Now, this may not seem so bad, and frankly, I liked it. It was the result of me dressing as a nun that caused this to be a horrible choice. Well, you see, I went to Catholic school for so many years, and was subjected to battling nuns for supremacy for my delicate and tender shaping years. Now, when I was going to school then, the nuns were allowed to hit you, and even though I was as close to an angel as you could get, they treated me like my face was the airport for their fist-landing outbursts. So, when I was dressed as a nun when I was about 24, I was strolling along with my friends on the street to a party. It is here I noticed people were pointing at me along the way, and then subsequently following me. My friends thought I was paranoid. But then finally I noticed a mob was following us. Then I heard one of them yell, "Sister Mary Gallagher, you are going to pay!!!" I turned around to see a mob charging at me. My friends laughed as I screamed really loudly and made a run for it. As they chased me, I was able to squirm out of my costume and show them I was not SMG. So, what did they do? They stopped all right, until one shouted, "My God, you look exactly the same!" First off, how am I to be confused with an old nun? And secondly, how and why did they ever see their own masked marauder without her old black and whites on? And thirdly, I was naked. It was an unseasonably hot night and the choice to free-ball it made things more comfortable, until now. So, I ran home naked that night what seemed past every grandma out with their grandchildren. Nothing is worse than having grandmas either gasp or shout out, "Look, it's a light switch... in the off position." How the hell am I supposed to be erect while running for my life, you damned battle-axes!

2.      Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz

Sure, I know what you're thinking. And for your information, I am not gay. I prefer to fail with only one sex. Well, I was going to a group-type Halloween party, meaning you and your friends are supposed to dress up as a similar theme. Well, some friends of mine agreed on the Wizard of Oz, only I drew the short straw and got Dorothy. Well, I went and got a Dorothy costume, and actually went all out. I really looked like Dorothy. I then drove to the party. I get there and walk in, and to my surprise, it is an all-male gay party. My friends found out and canceled without telling me. Now, walking into a party like this dressed as a Judy Garland character made my night a living hell. I was like a god, only all my worshippers were men who forced me to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" 10 million fucking times. The last thing I remember was someone giving me Ecstasy. After that, I think I may have had a good time.

3.      Alfalfa from the Little Rascals

Now, once again, I thought this was a good costume choice. I really looked and played the part well. My friends and I were going from party to party and everyone was loving my costume, until we got to the last party. Then I ran into a drunken midget dressed as Spanky. This dude saw me and immediately started cursing at me. I'm like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He just goes, "You took Darla away from me, you fetus-face motherfucker!" I just start laughing and say, "That's just 'cause you were always spanking it." Well, he did not like this and charged at me. So there I am having a damn fight with a drunken midget Spanky in the middle of a Halloween costume party in front of about 100 people. At first, I am just defending myself, until mid-level rummy starts punching my swinging parts. Then I lose it and tackle him into a bunch of guys dressed as nuns who then proceed to start whacking us both with their yardsticks. I hate fucking irony.

4.      A clown

I felt this was an awesome costume. I got a great clown costume with bright orange hair and all that crazy clown makeup and a big ass shoes. I was excited. I was stoked. There was a slight problem. You see, I was meeting my girlfriend at a costume party, but there was a rumor floating around about this girl named Shelia and me, like I had slept with her the night before. So, my girlfriend sounded upset on the phone when I spoke to her earlier and said we needed to talk. So, okay. I get to the party, and everyone is digging my costume, and I see my girlfriend across the street, and she is talking with Shelia, and Shelia is pointing at me, and then my girlfriend screams. And what does she do? She starts running away. So, I am scared that she thinks I cheated on her. So I started running after her. My girlfriend is screaming and crying as I chase her up and down the block in front of horrified onlookers. People are trying to stop me. Some are screaming in horror and diving in bushes as I run by. Finally, I catch up to my girlfriend and stop her. She starts screaming frantically, "I am scared of clowns, you pig!" So I quickly turn her so she is not facing me, and say, "Sorry, but I just want you to know, I never slept with Shelia." Through her tears, my girlfriend says, "I know you didn't. I know because I have been sleeping with Shelia for weeks, and I want to break up." I then calmly turned her around, and let her go. She then took two steps back, and I let out a high-pitched scream, resumed the chase yelling, "Clowns will eat your brains." I chased that screaming fool all the way home.

5.      My friend Stan

Growing up, people would often comment how much Stan and I looked like brothers, even though we had no relation according to my dad, who would always start sweating when I asked him this question. Well, anyway, after coming home from my girlfriend's house after I begged her to have sex with me (don't ask) and she threw me a bone, I was as happy as Lindsey Lohan at all-night kegger party. So, I get home, and I borrow Stan's clothes, put on a fake moustache to match his, put on his one and only Mork and Mindy baseball cap, and proceed to the Halloween party. Stan had to stay in because he was not feeling well. Well, I walk into the party and I actually fool a bunch of people.  Some think I am Stan and that he didn't dress up at all. After they learn the truth, they think it is hilarious. So, I am getting a drink at the party when I see my girlfriend, Beatrice, outside. She is dressed as a Peter Griffin from Family Guy for some godforsaken reason. Well, she sees me and rushes over to me. She then lays a huge kiss on me. I knew I couldn't fool her. Well, she immediately pulls me into the bathroom and begins to undress me and herself as well. And then for the second time today, we start going at it. It is so hot, like in one of those all British pornos where they have manners and tea. Finally, after thoroughly huffing and puffing my way through this ever-so polite sex, she turns to me and utters out, "Take the condom off. Don't worry about my STD." That's when my rocket began descending back to Earth. I was like, "What the fuck!" She then says, "My STD, the one you gave to me." I then retort with, "We have had sex once in the last two months, counting this afternoon. What the fuck are you talking about?" She then says, "Stan, don't be a jerk. I am carrying your child." I then stripped off my moustache, went to scream at her, but all that came out was vomit. And it went all over her. And what doe she do? What she always does when she gets scared and overwhelmed-- she craps. So, she sits on the toilet and begins crapping her brains out. And that was my last image of her as I strolled right out and to my primary care physician for a little necessary bloodwork.

6.      A large poo

Yes, yes, I know. That is disgusting. But really, is it not a creative and bold costume choice? I got a bunch of brown trash bags, gave them the appearance of being crinkly and somewhat wet, glued various things on them like corn, nuts, red peppers, lettuce and blood for some good extra measure. And to top it all off, I consumed so much chili and grape juice that day, I was ready to make this costume look and smell as authentic as they come. Well, people were disgusted and dying laughing when they saw me. But the piece de resistance for this costume was my constant barrage of backside explosions causing me to smell like the real deal. I was given carte blanche (by me, of course) to expel noxious odors in the air as I saw fit. And I saw fit all night. Well, the problem here is I got very drunk throughout the night. In fact, I got so drunk, I lost my ride and ended up wandering down the street, threw up (which scared some people to no end, watching an excrement excrete) and then passed out on a warm front lawn. Occasionally, I would hear people walk by and gasp and even scream sometimes. Well, the next morning I woke up and realized I had passed out on someone's lawn that was covered in fertilizer. To make matters worse, I had to walk to the nearest pay phone still dressed as a shit because all I had on underneath was underwear. People were not so amused in the morning with a 5'8" turd wandering past their windows as they shoveled in their breakfast. At least I found out what you have to wear to get Starbucks to refuse to serve you.

7.      Curley from Three Stooges

Dressing up like the Three Stooges is always an awesome choice. In this case, it just was the absolute wrong decision because of my two friends who chose to dress up with me-- Maurice and Johnny. Maurice dressed as Moe and Johnny went as Larry. Now, if you have ever seen the Stooges, you know Moe is the bossy one who slaps and pokes people in the eyes, and Larry is-- well he is Larry. Well, on this occasion, we went to a party together. When we got there, everyone wanted us to get into character. Well, we didn't agree on this fortunately. We wanted to just enjoy the party. But then as things go, one thing leads to another, and after a couple of hours of drinking jackass-in-public soup, Moe and Larry wanted to perform "our" act. The unfortunate thing for  all, and mainly me, was that we did not have an act. But Moe and Larry decided we could easily improvise, and so we went on with the show. Well, the damn show was Moe whacking both Larry and I with pots and pans over the head and poking us in the eyes. It was so bad Larry and I were both bleeding from wounds from our heads. But this was not the worst thing. Apparently, Larry, either because he is a moron or because of the head injury, starts taking off all his clothes and dancing around the kitchen trying to dry hump Curley (me). Try to picture a naked Larry Fine doing this to you while he has a freakin' erection for some fucked-up reason. Well, Curley grew tired of this, as anyone would, and decided to do the Curley shuffle right into their groins, ala Karate Kid. So, after all Moe and Larry did-- the sick degenerates-- I was the one the crowd turned on, and then was promptly asked to leave the party. Let's just say this was only made better by the fact that it was before the advent of YouTube, thank the Lord.

8.      Robin from Batman & Robin

Why the hell would I dress as the Boy Wonder I still wonder to this day. Who in their right mind wants to be Robin when they could be the Caped Crusader? I might as well just have gone as Alfred or Batgirl. But, no, I allowed myself be talked into going as Robin so my roommate could go as Batman. To make matters worse, my roommate was like a foot taller than me. Well, off we go to a party with Batman and his little son Robin. So, we get to the party and everyone thinks I am just adorable in my little tights with my dad Batman. Well, Batman at the party decides he needs to hit on every woman at the party, whether she has a boyfriend with her or not. So, he gets a number of guys who wants to kick his ass, and naturally, they think the Boy Wonder is on his side. So now, I am hated as well. And if you are one of these dickless wonders, what do you do-- pick a fight with a hulking Batman or a small underdeveloped Robin? I was yelled at, threatened and even chased by these morbidly drunken excuses for male chaperones. Finally, one took a swing at me after he yelled at Batman and Batman chased him. Fortunately, he missed and I gave him the Curley shuffle in the nuts and got the hell out of there before all the guys went Moe on me. To make matters worse, on the way home, everyone thought I was about 10 years old and asked me if I needed a phone to call my parents. So, I kicked them all in the nuts as well.

9.      Jim Morrison from the Doors

The Lizard King was an awesome rock star and a great choice for a costume, but he also had a reputation for outlandish things. So, when you are dressed as someone, they expect you to be exactly like that. So, when I went out, people expect you to take every drink and drug offered and act like you are some damn carny at an all-night orgy or something. Well, I am not like that, but I am easily persuaded. So, what do I get myself into? I get drunk as hell on whisky and other assorted items and find myself on the roof of this house with people chanting for me to jump into the pool. Well, I make a run for it, slip and catch my leather pants on some antenna on the roof and rip them as I tumble off the roof towards the pool. I land on a group of girls all dressed as Brittany Spears for some reason and we all, thank God, do land in the freezing pool. When I submerge, I expect people to be cheering, but all I hear is groans and the grumbling of the Spears family circus. When I look at my trail from the roof to the pool I realize something happened when I slipped and tumbled off the roof-- I crapped myself. I guess I was a little scared and also forgot I always get diarrhea after drinking cheap whisky. So, I just get out of the pool with my shrinkage problem and wander past the Hersey Highway and head to my car with nothing hung high. Well, you wanted Jim Morrison? You got him.

10.  An umpire

I have always wanted to dress like someone from baseball, but all I could get my hands on was an umpire costume. So, alas, I went as an umpire. And when I went to a party, I really got into character. When someone would act too drunk at the party, I would shout, "You are outta here!" I would stand next to some girls and listen to guys try to pick them up. Every time one of the guys would have a horrible pick-up line, I would yell "Strike one," "strike two," and then "strike three!" I felt so freaking powerful, I was acting so confident with women. In fact, I made out with three different women who were dressed as baseball players. I even took one home with me that night and we "umped" all night long. The problem was the girl I took home looked like a babe, but in the morning she looked like Babe Ruth. Damn ump and baseball themed pickups. That's what I get.

FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS....

FRIDAY’S DRUNKEN RANT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY… SANTA CLAUS: BREAKING INTO YOUR HOUSES AND LEAVING HIS TRASH FOR OVER 200 YEARS, Y’ALL!

Now, I know this is the time of the year to be festive, at least that’s what I’ve been told. And on a side note, why is it only this time of year to be festive? Really says a lot about Valentine’s Day in February, huh? Well, back to the point. Each year, the Christmas season comes a little earlier. Hell, this year on November 1, I saw stores with Christmas decorations and other Christmas assorted nonsense out for sale. I mean, what ever happened to the decency of waiting before trying to con us into buying useless crap for Christmas and then wrapping it up with a complete waste of material called wrapping paper? I mean, what the hell!!!!

Well, this year had to be the worst. Now, it wasn’t the stores and the constant bombardment of “sale” items marked up for the holidays, it was the actual shoppers themselves. I thought this year I would try to get into the spirit of Christmas more by actually going to stores and shopping, not doing it all on-line like I usually do. So instead of spending my money exclusively at www.fruitcakesfruitcakesfruitcakes.com, I went to the mall. It was here I learned this is not the time of year to be festive.

Just trying to find a parking space at my local mall was hell. I had people actually curse at me when I would park saying that was their spot. I mean, one lady actually got out of her car, got in her walker and tried to walk me down. I mean, what does she think? Does she think those handicapped spots really apply during this busy time? I mean, how inconsiderate of her. The next problem was once I got in the stores, the crowds and the lines and the mess. I was so startled by it, I actually farted. It wasn’t on purpose. I usually fart when I get scared. So, on another side note, never go to a haunted house with me.

First off, the crowds were huge. They were people everywhere. It was like everyone brought their whole extended family to watch them shop. I could have sworn two families were having their damn family reunions in the “female needs” aisle. What jack-holes would have a freakin’ family reunion at Big Lots? The second problem was the lines. They were longer than the lines at Disneyland for “It’s a Small World So There’s Nowhere For You To Hide, You Asshole” ride. They actually had signs up saying your wait from this point is 30 minutes. Unfortunately for them they had these signs on dry erase boards. So I took it upon myself to change those signs to “You Must Be At Least This Honky To Shop Here.” Man, were some people pissed off. The third problem was the mess. Everything was disorganized, nothing was where it was supposed to be and there was a plethora of trash around. I mean, literally, I’ve seen cleaner prostitutes at www.discountprostitutesandtoiletpaper.com. I mean, what the hell!!!

And on top of all this, it seemed like every kid in these stores was either screaming, crying or pissing themselves. The only good fun I had was trying to figure out what kid belonged to whom. Most of the parents in there looked really young. Seeing some couples together was frightening. I mean, the couples either looked hideous or related in a brotherly/sister fashion. Trying to figure out which demonic offspring was theirs was the most fun I’ve ever had shopping. It was like putting a puzzle together and then having that puzzle scare the living hell out of you. Seriously, when I did realize what some of these inbreds produced, it scared me so much I farted. See earlier comment for relation to this.

All in all, I couldn’t take it. I had to leave the mall and venture back home to my land of Cheetos, Budweiser, and dial-up Internet. So, instead of people getting what they really wanted this holiday season, they got either a fruitcake, a prostitute or toilet paper. Festive my ass!!!!

WEDNESDAY'S WORD OF THE DAY - BROUGHT TO YOU BY DINGLEBERRIES, THE BREAKFAST CEREAL THAT TASTES AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS

MANDATE

Pronunciation: With a little gusto
Function: For sexual purposes
Etymology: Derived from the Latin word andate-mei
Date: 1969, or just ’69 if you so desire.

1. A command from a superior to a lowlife subordinate.
2. What Heath Ledger issued to Jake Gyllenhaal on Brokeback Mountain.
3. The order my Uncle Thomas always tried to issue me when I was younger and he was intent on exposing himself to me. Though I suppose this might be more Man-boy-date.

MONDAY'S MOVIE REVIEW ON SATURDAY

What a year it was, my friends. David Letterman moved over to CBS and Conan O’Brien took over Letterman’s old show on NBC, Schindler’s List won for the Oscar for Best Picture, Frank Zappa died, and showing at the movies were such comedies as a The Fugitive, The Piano, and Sleepless in Seattle. What a fine year it was. Where were you in 1993? You know where I was? I was becoming enthralled with one of the best movies ever—Untamed Heart.

Now, I’m not your average moviegoer. It takes quite a lot to get me to see a movie, least of all a movie with the word “Heart” in the title, but in this case I was glad I did. If you have not seen this movie, you’ve got to wonder what you have against the classics. And if you did see this movie and disliked it, you’ve got to accept the fact that you may be some sort of sick pervert devoid of any feelings whatsoever. I’m sorry, but somebody had to say it, you bastard.

The movie stars Marisa Tomei as Caroline, a young waitress working in a diner in Minneapolis. Marisa is fresh off her Oscar-winning role from My Cousin Vinny and showed no signs of slowing down here. The part of Caroline required someone soft and yet tough at the same time, and damn it if she didn’t deliver the performance of a lifetime a year after winning the Oscar.

Marisa’s supporting cast was sturdy and annoying, all at the same time. She was supported by Rosie Perez playing the role of her friend and fellow coworker. Rosie is slightly more annoying here than she was in It Could Happen To You, but fortunately she wasn’t the focus of the movie. Marisa’s male lead was none other than Christian Slater, fresh off his blockbuster movie Kuffs. (You might want to rent Kuffs and see where the term “action hero” came from.)

Caroline’s problem in the movie is she is just unlucky in love. Throughout the story, we learn how she has been dumped by her past loves and that they have all in turn broken her heart. She now seems to have resigned herself to the fact that she may never find love. And then guess who we are introduced to? No, not Richard Grieco, damn it! Christian “Young Guns II” Slater, playing the part of Adam. I mean, it was at this point I was thinking, “Maybe he’s just making a cameo and will go away.” I know, wishful thinking, but can’t a little man dream sometimes?

Well, one night our Caroline is walking home on a very snowy, freezing December night from work. It is supposed to be about 2:30 a.m. Two very inebriated hicks who were at the diner earlier drive up to her and start making suggestions to her about going drinking with them. She politely turns them down and continues on her walk. At first, I thought, “What a stupid scene! What’s the fucking point of that?” And then a minute later they confront her on a bridge and make it known they are looking for… sex. It was here I felt a little stupid. You see, I didn’t just think that statement, I blurted it out loud in the theater.

Anyway, now I am totally confused here. I thought these two guys were sweet homosexual lovers. I just thought it was some cool gay subplot thrown in to attract a wider audience, especially in the Bible Belt. But alas, I was mistaken. These were just Minnesota hicks with dicks looking for chicks. So anyway, Caroline gets wind of it and begins to make a run for it, but these two drunken bastards were too quick for her. They eventually catch her and one of them starts to tear off her clothes. (I really don’t know why he tore off her clothes. I mean, any male knows if you whip out your Grieco in freezing weather, it will go from an “outie” to an “innie.”) Well, right before the PG-13 penetration can take place, in walks Adam, otherwise known as Slatanator to you and me.

Let’s just say Adam gives these two possibly homosexual rapists a thrashing, picks up Caroline, who by the way has been knocked out, and carries her all the way home. The next morning Caroline wakes up on her porch and jumps up like she is ready to fight. To her amazement, she is on her porch and Adam is there on the steps. Neither of them says a word and Adam eventually walks off into the snowy morning.

Days later Caroline confronts Adam at the diner and about 45 minutes into the movie, Adam finally speaks. Well, one thing leads to another and they become an item. But it is through this courtship that Caroline comes across a large scar in the middle of Adam’s chest just below the “Moustache Rides” tattoo. She turns to him and says, “What the fuck’s with that scar, bitch?” He just calmly turns to her and tells her he has a baboon heart. See, apparently he grew up in an orphanage and at some point had to have heart surgery and some nun who worked at the orphanage told him he was given a baboon’s heart. What kind of fucked-up shit is that? I mean, I had some mean nuns in grade school, but none that would sink to this level. Sure, I had one nun tell me once I smelled like a baboon, but she was trying to get the class to believe that my odor was causing the smell permeating the classroom, not her noxious farts. She was something special, let me tell you.

So now that we know Adam “supposedly” has a baboon heart, the title of the movie is beginning to make sense. Well, not really, but screw it because I was enthralled. As in all movies, the love of Caroline and Adam cannot exist without obstacles. The main obstacle to their love becomes the return of the rapists. They attack Adam and he dies. Well, not really in that order, but Adam does die in the end. Caroline is mildly distraught. At the funeral she admits to Rosie Perez she was great at loving Adam and that she really was in love. And the movie ends with Rosie saying to her, “Well, honey, at least now he has a tamed heart.” Fade to black. Bring up the credits. Bring up the sad instrumental song.

Normally, I wouldn’t like a movie like this, but damn it, I was fucking crying at the end. Damn you, Slater, for making me cry because you died. Damn you, Tomei, for making me fall in love with you here. Damn you, Rosie Perez, for talking so damn much. I don’t know, maybe it was the fact that I went to see this movie on its opening weekend which happened to be Valentine’s Day weekend. My girlfriend at the time hated it and we broke up shortly thereafter. I mean, how could I continue to date someone who is possibly a sick pervert?

So next time you’re thinking about renting a movie to see if you are a sick pervert or not, I suggest putting down the Asian porn you’ve got in your hand and going with this title. I suggest you get yourself a box of tissue and a thank you card, because you will want to thank me for bringing this movie back into your life. But for now, let me just say it was my “untamed” pleasure.

FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS

Ah, the sweet pleasures of booze. The pleasant taste of it as it gently caresses my throat just before it presents its all-out assault on my brain cells. There is just something magical about it. Tonight’s drink of choice is Peppermint Schnapps, to keep in with the Christmas spirit. Tonight’s topic is on people and their damn Christmas decorations in front of their house.

First off, I don’t mind some decorations and lights on a house. It gives me that warm feeling inside, kind of like the feeling booze gives me right before it decides to expel itself out of my mouth and onto the unfortunate person next to me, but that is neither here nor there. I like walking down the street (usually on my way to the bar) and check out the Christmas lights on the houses, but what really pisses me off is when someone has crossed the line from decorating their home to making it into a Vegas-style whorehouse with inflatable dildos on the damn lawn!

Okay, maybe I didn’t see any dildos, but they might as well have been. I mean, I am constantly seeing shit on people’s lawns and rooftops that doesn’t have a damn thing to do with any holiday I ever heard of. There was one damn house with an inflatable Mickey Mouse on the front lawn surrounded by red lights. What in the fuck does this have to do with the holidays? What moron did this thinking this has anything to do with anything? Mickey Mouse, you asshole? I could maybe understand the Grinch, but this is just absurd! I knew I had to do something. So, I wrote “eat me” on Mickey. At least now it means something.

Another house I saw had two big inflatable brown bears on their lawn with an inflatable Santa on the roof. The Santa thing I get, but the bears? And I wouldn’t have even known they were bears if I didn’t stop and do a little inspecting. I mean, when I first drove by, I thought it was Santa being attacked by two huge shits. And what added to this is that these people’s house did kind of have a “we’ve been eating too much chilli and pork rinds” kind of smell going on. I didn’t do anything to these decorations because I want people to see the two huge shits attacking Santa and realize their neighbors are morons.

But what really got me was this one house. It was the granddaddy of them all. They had so many damn lights all over their house and yard that you would swear it was a Las Vegas casino filled with whores and crack addicts and hustlers and pimps and an arcade for the kids. But the lights were just the beginning for these a-holes. It was their display on their front lawn that was the topper. On their lawn, they had a manger with the Baby Jesus in the middle. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. Many people have something like this. But did these people have Mary and Joseph and the three wise men surrounding Jesus? Oh, no, that wasn’t for them. You know who was surrounding Jesus? Snow White and the seven fucking Dwarfs and that damn donkey from Shrek! I remember seeing this and making a mental note—these people have completely lost it and will one day begin eating their young and then their neighbors. What in the hell does Snow White and the rest of the crew have to do with Jesus or Christmas or any holiday? I mean, why not just surround Jesus with the two huge shit bears from up the street, you tasteless bastards! Hell, why not replace Jesus in your manger set with Gary Coleman, you psychotic nimrods!

Now I can’t even look at people’s decorations when I drunkenly stumble down the street on my way to church. I just keep my eyes forward. But if you ever wanna join me, just go straight down PCH, make a left at the house with Three Stooges statues dressed in Santa outfits, go about a mile until you see a house with two huge roosters on the lawn standing under the banner that reads “Merry Christmas – Peace On Earth.” Go down about a block and make another right at the house with the two huge shits attacking Santa and my house is two houses down on the left. Happy holidays.

"WEDNESDAY'S WORD OF THE DAY" Brought to you by The Colon Plunger: Giving people a reason to stick something up their rectum for 30 years

Steroids:

Pronunciation: go ask your mother.
Function: oh, many functions.
Etymology: Balconian
Date: 1492 when Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

1. a liquid, gas, or pill that one consumes to increase
the size of their muscular capacity and shrink their
penis down to the size of a belly button.
2. a professional sports players best friend,
besides hand cream.

FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: WELCOME TO SUMMER, DONNA

Ah, finally the summer has arrived and hopefully I will not see any of that damn rain for a while. I am not one of those people who want to go dancing in the street and hanging off light poles when I see a bunch of rain. No way in hell. When it’s raining, something snaps in my already deranged brain and makes me want to start chasing old ladies around. Why, you ask. I really don’t know. Maybe it’s because every cartoon I ever saw that had Mother Nature in it, she was portrayed as an old lady. So I blame all old ladies for the damn rain. Hence, the chasing.

I need sun. I function much better in warmer weather. Rain is for people who seek out depression. The reason these people love rain is because they get to stay in their place all day and wallow in their depression. These are the people who later on become flashers or peeping Toms. Trust me on this one. I apologize if you are one of these people, but you know who you are and how you are. Oh, and by the way, how’s the peeping going, you filthy flasher?

I know that the majority of people feel like me. Just look around when it is raining and you’ll see what I mean. When it rains, people are pissed off. They’re crashing their cars in anger, their cursing about getting soaked, they’re chasing old ladies and other random acts of violence. When it is sunny and warm, people are so happy their smiling, waving, handing out money and helping old ladies across the street. So what could be better than the arrival of summer, especially this year. So I say welcome to summer, Donna. And to all you old ladies, rest up and enjoy this summer, because the chasing will commence at the first drop of rain come this fall.