FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS... THE SOUND OF MUSIC
Welcome to another edition of "Friday's drunken rants." I'll try to tone down the cussing because some people found it hard to take. Well, here's your disclaimer: I'm drunk! So on with the show. Curtains, please.
This rant is all about my experience with "The Sound of Music." I hate it when these whoremongers like to claim they've never seen this movie. That falls into the horseshit category. (Horseshit isn't a curse word!) At some time or another, everyone has seen this movie, or at least enough of it to claim to have seen it. I was forced to watch it at a young, tender, impressionable age. And at first, I thought, "What a bunch of crap." You have to understand, I was forced to see a double bill of this and "Boys From Brazil." Real nice! Only in Orange County would they try to pull something like this off, you filthy Nazis.
A funny thing happened, though, when I hit puberty (age 23)-- I started to really love this movie. And why? Because I had the hots for the nun in training. Let's just call her NIT for now. I mean, it was here that my overactive hormones took over and forced me to like this movie. Forget about those Austrian daughters, I had it for the NIT. Imagine the Colonel Von Trapp, this horny little bastard. He was probably trolling around the convent looking for women. I mean, how desperate was he for a virgin? What a perv. And did you get a load of all the kids he had and how young he still was. Holy shit. No wonder he was a widower. He must have been knocking his wife up the second the umbilical cord was cut. I mean, at least let the lady get a glass of water first, you fucker.
Maybe it was because of the forbidden love. Loving a nun. Oh, dare to dream. And remember that song, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria"? Well, the Colonel Von Trapp knew how to solve this problem. Have sex with her!!! I mean, look at this asshole. First off, he's got a daughter hot for an up-and-coming Nazi delivery boy, so much so she's singing shit like "I Am 16 Going On 17" to the little prick. That's right, I called him a little prick. I mean, she's basically out there singing, "Free pussy, pizza delivery boy! Come and get it!" And where's the Colonel? Up in his room trying to figure out how to get the NIT to kick the habit, literally. Can you believe this honky?
In the Colonel's defense, though, she was a little biscuit, wasn't she? I mean, when she was doing that puppet show with the kids and singing "yodelay-hee, yodelay-hee-hoo," I was discovering what it meant to be a perv. And all this happened during one viewing. The damn music for me, though, was just a distraction. I mean, this was a movie about action-- Nazi delivery boys sniffing around for virgins, Colonels sniffing around for experimental nuns, and a family singing group so awesome that only the Patridge Family would ever rival. This movie suddenly had it all.
But getting back to the Colonel, he was the precursor to many pop culture ideas that would spawn from his very loins. Maybe loins isn't the right word. First off, he banned music and singing in the Von Trapp house. Later on, this would inspire a young writer to pen the screenplay "Footloose." I think I saw in the original screenplay there were nuns who weren't allowed to dance or fornicate so they started calling themselves the Pink Ladies and would only date T-Birds. And then one of them got a hicky from Canicky. And then-- Oh, fuck it. I don't know, it was something like that. Next, just the sheer magnitude of the name Von Trapp inspired one jerk-off teenager to change his name from Edward Bowelreegard to Eddie Van Halen. And the rest is history-- real bad history, but still history.
But what really did it for me in this movie was when the Colonel takes the NIT to that gazebo, or whatever the hell it was, and they start singing that "I Must Have Done Something Good" song. Well, for you, Colonel, if you think that poking nuns is good, then knock yourself out, buttplug. But it is this scene where they are about to kiss. The music softens, about as much as this damn music can soften, and they lean into the kiss. Cue up the movie to this point. Don't give me that crap about "I don't own it. Why would I own it?" I know you own it, jackass! It is right at this point that the Colonel transforms into an ape. I swear it. All of a sudden, the NIT is making out with a full-grown ape! This is the best twist any movie has ever had, ever! It goes from "fun with the nun" straight into hot monkey love. Suddenly, I could hear the Sound of Music, and it was beautiful.
I loved this movie so much that I when I went to Austria I went on the "Sound of Music" tour. It was beautiful. It came with our own little Nazi tour guide, a few of the exterior house shots, but best of all, a bus ride out of town where we were all raped. Wait. That was another trip. No, a ride out of town to the church where the convent chaser and the ape kisser got married. I believe I cried when we got to the church. It all seemed so real. I believe I even got aroused. Is that wrong?
Well, there you have it. Tonight's rant was brought to you by Widmer Heifenwizen. Ask for it all your local bar.
This rant is all about my experience with "The Sound of Music." I hate it when these whoremongers like to claim they've never seen this movie. That falls into the horseshit category. (Horseshit isn't a curse word!) At some time or another, everyone has seen this movie, or at least enough of it to claim to have seen it. I was forced to watch it at a young, tender, impressionable age. And at first, I thought, "What a bunch of crap." You have to understand, I was forced to see a double bill of this and "Boys From Brazil." Real nice! Only in Orange County would they try to pull something like this off, you filthy Nazis.
A funny thing happened, though, when I hit puberty (age 23)-- I started to really love this movie. And why? Because I had the hots for the nun in training. Let's just call her NIT for now. I mean, it was here that my overactive hormones took over and forced me to like this movie. Forget about those Austrian daughters, I had it for the NIT. Imagine the Colonel Von Trapp, this horny little bastard. He was probably trolling around the convent looking for women. I mean, how desperate was he for a virgin? What a perv. And did you get a load of all the kids he had and how young he still was. Holy shit. No wonder he was a widower. He must have been knocking his wife up the second the umbilical cord was cut. I mean, at least let the lady get a glass of water first, you fucker.
Maybe it was because of the forbidden love. Loving a nun. Oh, dare to dream. And remember that song, "How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria"? Well, the Colonel Von Trapp knew how to solve this problem. Have sex with her!!! I mean, look at this asshole. First off, he's got a daughter hot for an up-and-coming Nazi delivery boy, so much so she's singing shit like "I Am 16 Going On 17" to the little prick. That's right, I called him a little prick. I mean, she's basically out there singing, "Free pussy, pizza delivery boy! Come and get it!" And where's the Colonel? Up in his room trying to figure out how to get the NIT to kick the habit, literally. Can you believe this honky?
In the Colonel's defense, though, she was a little biscuit, wasn't she? I mean, when she was doing that puppet show with the kids and singing "yodelay-hee, yodelay-hee-hoo," I was discovering what it meant to be a perv. And all this happened during one viewing. The damn music for me, though, was just a distraction. I mean, this was a movie about action-- Nazi delivery boys sniffing around for virgins, Colonels sniffing around for experimental nuns, and a family singing group so awesome that only the Patridge Family would ever rival. This movie suddenly had it all.
But getting back to the Colonel, he was the precursor to many pop culture ideas that would spawn from his very loins. Maybe loins isn't the right word. First off, he banned music and singing in the Von Trapp house. Later on, this would inspire a young writer to pen the screenplay "Footloose." I think I saw in the original screenplay there were nuns who weren't allowed to dance or fornicate so they started calling themselves the Pink Ladies and would only date T-Birds. And then one of them got a hicky from Canicky. And then-- Oh, fuck it. I don't know, it was something like that. Next, just the sheer magnitude of the name Von Trapp inspired one jerk-off teenager to change his name from Edward Bowelreegard to Eddie Van Halen. And the rest is history-- real bad history, but still history.
But what really did it for me in this movie was when the Colonel takes the NIT to that gazebo, or whatever the hell it was, and they start singing that "I Must Have Done Something Good" song. Well, for you, Colonel, if you think that poking nuns is good, then knock yourself out, buttplug. But it is this scene where they are about to kiss. The music softens, about as much as this damn music can soften, and they lean into the kiss. Cue up the movie to this point. Don't give me that crap about "I don't own it. Why would I own it?" I know you own it, jackass! It is right at this point that the Colonel transforms into an ape. I swear it. All of a sudden, the NIT is making out with a full-grown ape! This is the best twist any movie has ever had, ever! It goes from "fun with the nun" straight into hot monkey love. Suddenly, I could hear the Sound of Music, and it was beautiful.
I loved this movie so much that I when I went to Austria I went on the "Sound of Music" tour. It was beautiful. It came with our own little Nazi tour guide, a few of the exterior house shots, but best of all, a bus ride out of town where we were all raped. Wait. That was another trip. No, a ride out of town to the church where the convent chaser and the ape kisser got married. I believe I cried when we got to the church. It all seemed so real. I believe I even got aroused. Is that wrong?
Well, there you have it. Tonight's rant was brought to you by Widmer Heifenwizen. Ask for it all your local bar.
posted by Cruzbomb at 11:46 PM
1 Comments:
This is the funniest damn thing I've read in many a day! And not as disturbing as the Top Ten Reasons Your Girlfriend Thinks I'm Gay Because I Didn't Watch the Super Bowl--though that one is inspired, too. Great, now I'm hooked on another blog. Thanks.
Bruce
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