FRIDAY NIGHT'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: OH, OSCARS, OSCARS, CAN YOU FEEL I'M BURNING, BURNING?
Tonight's drunken rant is brought to you by Pina Coladas, because I got caught in the rain.
Why do I rant and rave and piss and moan and bitch and cry about the damn Oscars and then go ahead and watch them anyway? Well, there are two possible answers here. One is because to be a critic of something I must subject myself through it so as I may be well informed. Or the other possible answer is because I’m just a mild-mannered moron masquerading as a jackass.
Anyway, I watched the Oscars actually hoping that I would be proven wrong and there would be something to this one. I mean, Chris Rock was hosting and this had the potential to be really great. At least it wasn’t that Billy Christmas guy from “When Harry Met Sally’s Ass.” So what did I end up with at the end—a good time? No! I got shafted, just like Sally’s Ass!
First off, the idiotic changes they decided to implement this year. You know, like presenting some of the awards way in the back of the audience. They only did this so they could give these lesser-nominated people worse seats than ever before. Hell, next year they may even present their awards in the alley behind the damn place with the recipients still in their limos. Just think of it—“And the Oscar for best Musical Score goes to… car number 47HHGT. Please drive through and get your award and a Shamrock shake, courtesy of McDonald’s.”
The other Emmy-winning idea they came up with this year was for the other lesser-nominated people—bring all their asses on stage when reading off their category. Maybe they did this so they wouldn’t have to waste time with the winners who after their name was called would take five minutes to get to the stage because they were seated by the churro machines. Or they could have designed this change so as to tell these nominated people, “Well, now you’ve been on the stage for the Oscars. You probably won’t ever be back, so take one quick look and get the fuck out.” The only good thing about this change was at least Morgan Spurlock (“Super-size Me”) got him and his child-molester moustache on stage.
Now usually I don’t give a rat’s ass about camera direction, but this was just too noticeable. I mean, was there an open casting call for directors and assistant directors of the Oscars and I just missed it because I was too busy writing about masturbation on this blog? Most of the time before they went to commercial, they had some sweeping overhead shot that showed the crowd and… a shitload of empty seats. Was something wrong with the churros at the snack bar and that is why most people were always in the crapper? Did this thing not sell out and these directors wanted you to know it? Even better was when someone was giving a speech or talking on the stage and they would cut to someone who wasn’t even paying attention or had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Was there some rule that certain people, and not your high-profile actors, had to get a certain amount of face time with the camera? They were cutting away so damn much that it was like a person with A.D.D. who just had a gram of coke was working the camera. You know, your basic Michael Bay kind of direction. (Sorry to fans of Michael Bay—sorry that your fans of his.)
But I do have a theory on why this Oscars was made to be so piss-poor. It was because they didn’t want Chris Rock to succeed as host. And why? Because he is a black man! Oh, yeah, whitey (or should this be alabaster cracker) didn’t want him to return. They set out to undermine Chris Rock from the very beginning. Just having him on the stage so much made whitey nervous enough as it is. It is not so much they had to deal with Chris Rock, they were also worried about their womenfolk. They decided right from the start they were going to run this new black sheriff right out of town. Ah, but Chris Rock got his revenge later with whitey’s women at the number six dance.
Why do I rant and rave and piss and moan and bitch and cry about the damn Oscars and then go ahead and watch them anyway? Well, there are two possible answers here. One is because to be a critic of something I must subject myself through it so as I may be well informed. Or the other possible answer is because I’m just a mild-mannered moron masquerading as a jackass.
Anyway, I watched the Oscars actually hoping that I would be proven wrong and there would be something to this one. I mean, Chris Rock was hosting and this had the potential to be really great. At least it wasn’t that Billy Christmas guy from “When Harry Met Sally’s Ass.” So what did I end up with at the end—a good time? No! I got shafted, just like Sally’s Ass!
First off, the idiotic changes they decided to implement this year. You know, like presenting some of the awards way in the back of the audience. They only did this so they could give these lesser-nominated people worse seats than ever before. Hell, next year they may even present their awards in the alley behind the damn place with the recipients still in their limos. Just think of it—“And the Oscar for best Musical Score goes to… car number 47HHGT. Please drive through and get your award and a Shamrock shake, courtesy of McDonald’s.”
The other Emmy-winning idea they came up with this year was for the other lesser-nominated people—bring all their asses on stage when reading off their category. Maybe they did this so they wouldn’t have to waste time with the winners who after their name was called would take five minutes to get to the stage because they were seated by the churro machines. Or they could have designed this change so as to tell these nominated people, “Well, now you’ve been on the stage for the Oscars. You probably won’t ever be back, so take one quick look and get the fuck out.” The only good thing about this change was at least Morgan Spurlock (“Super-size Me”) got him and his child-molester moustache on stage.
Now usually I don’t give a rat’s ass about camera direction, but this was just too noticeable. I mean, was there an open casting call for directors and assistant directors of the Oscars and I just missed it because I was too busy writing about masturbation on this blog? Most of the time before they went to commercial, they had some sweeping overhead shot that showed the crowd and… a shitload of empty seats. Was something wrong with the churros at the snack bar and that is why most people were always in the crapper? Did this thing not sell out and these directors wanted you to know it? Even better was when someone was giving a speech or talking on the stage and they would cut to someone who wasn’t even paying attention or had absolutely nothing to do with anything. Was there some rule that certain people, and not your high-profile actors, had to get a certain amount of face time with the camera? They were cutting away so damn much that it was like a person with A.D.D. who just had a gram of coke was working the camera. You know, your basic Michael Bay kind of direction. (Sorry to fans of Michael Bay—sorry that your fans of his.)
But I do have a theory on why this Oscars was made to be so piss-poor. It was because they didn’t want Chris Rock to succeed as host. And why? Because he is a black man! Oh, yeah, whitey (or should this be alabaster cracker) didn’t want him to return. They set out to undermine Chris Rock from the very beginning. Just having him on the stage so much made whitey nervous enough as it is. It is not so much they had to deal with Chris Rock, they were also worried about their womenfolk. They decided right from the start they were going to run this new black sheriff right out of town. Ah, but Chris Rock got his revenge later with whitey’s women at the number six dance.
posted by Cruzbomb at 9:45 PM
2 Comments:
Right on! Why the hell can't they let the show go on an extra 30 minutes so winners can walk up to the stage, and speak their speeches for one minute? I'm not sure about your brilliant theory about Chris Rock and his oppression: despite his evident nervousness, his talent and charm managed to shine through, and there managed to be several moments of oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-he-said-that. I liked the blend of extreme control freak Cates and barely- controlled-irreverance Rock, so with any luck they'll do it again next year, with less of the former.
Bruce
Now you know how we nuns feel when sitting in the choir loft with our bird's eye view of the congregation below and see all the empty seats! We actually hired all the Oscar seat filler persons, hence the reason for the empty seats in the Oscar house.
As much as I'm married to the man upstairs, I think the Oscars and any ceremony - particularly any music awards ceremony where most winners are in such disbelief - could be shortened by 30 minutes if nobody was allowed to "thank God." This is what prayers are for!
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