THE SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: THE GREAT DISAPPEARING ACT

Friendship can be a grand thing. It can fill your days and nights with peace of mind in knowing that there are others out there like you. And having a best friend can be even more heartwarming and comforting. This is the friend you feel that you would stand behind no matter what the circumstances, and they would do the same for you. Well, sometimes the bounds of friendship can be pushed. And I do mean pushed. And my best friend doesn’t just push them, she shoves the living hell out of them each time she disappears.

Now, when I say “disappear,” I don’t mean it like, “Hey, that boil on my ass disappeared.” I mean, Suzy, my friend, will slip out of sight when we are out somewhere, and what happens after that is pure mayhem and madness. Suzy likes to have fun when we are out somewhere, and if wherever we are at starts to become dull or tiresome, she feels it is her job to correct the situation, and correct it fast. How does she do this, you ask? She does this by slipping out to her car and putting on a costume, and then returning to whatever we are doing.

I suppose I should go back to the first time it happened. Suzy and I were supposed to go to our friend’s thirtieth birthday party. Well, Suzy picked me up, and we headed off to the party. Now, at the party, everybody there was having a great time. We were all chatting and drinking and eating and carousing and puking—you know, your typical party. Eventually, though, the party started to slow down to a crawl for some reason. It was here that I noticed that Suzy had disappeared. I walked around and looked for her. I asked people if they had seen her, but no one had seen her for a bit. All of a sudden, I heard a scream coming from the direction of the front door. I quickly ran over to see what was the matter. It was here that I found Suzy, and she was dressed up as Gumby.

I couldn’t believe it. She was in a full-on Gumby costume. At first I chuckled, like most everybody else. But then she started walking around talking like Mr. T., saying stuff like “I pity the fool who don’t wanna party with Gumby.” I thought people were going to ask us to leave, but everybody seemed to enjoy this disturbance actually. I couldn’t believe it, but the party started to pick up. I guess I never realized that everybody loves Gumby. Next thing I knew, Gumby was in the kitchen pouring shots and cursing up a storm. Suzy was actually insulting people, and they were loving it. She actually saved this party. Later on when we were driving home, I asked Suzy where the hell she got a Gumby costume and what possessed her to put it on. She just looked at me and winked. What kind of answer was that?

The funny thing about this event was Suzy and I never discussed it again. I figured it was a one-time deal for our friend’s birthday party. I mean, really, I didn’t wanna think I was best friends with a person whose alter-ego was Gumby. That would not be good at all, because eventually people would start referring to me as Pokey. And Pokey was nothing more than a glorified jackass, and I don’t see how I could live with being called a jackass, especially since I just happened to be a victim of circumstance. This would really be pushing the boundaries of our best friendship.

A few months down the road one of our friends was having a coed baby shower. Both Suzy and I were invited. To be honest, I really didn’t want to go. I hate these things. It’s usually so corny and everybody is just uncomfortable being there. And then we have to play stupid games like “baby bingo.” But Suzy told me we could go together and we will only stay for a very short time. So I agreed.

On the day of the baby shower, Suzy came by and picked me up. I made her promise we would only stay a short while. She agreed we would leave before too long. When we got to the house where the shower was taking place, it was already full of our friends’ relatives and coworkers. There was actually hardly anybody there either one of us knew. I thought, great, we’ll be in and out before things get too hokey.

We immediately dropped off the present for our friends’ baby and said our congratulations. Then we decided we would eat and adjourn to the living room where they would be opening gifts. A short while passed and they had almost finished opening all the presents. Suzy and I were on the couch surrounded by people we didn’t know for what seemed like forever. Well, the last present was opened and I was happy. I knew we would soon be leaving. I mean, this party was getting more and more boring with each passing second. I turned to Suzy to get her to leave, and that’s when I noticed she had disappeared.

At first I thought maybe she was in the bathroom. But then about five minutes passed and I started to wonder. Then all of a sudden I heard my friend’s mother gasp and I knew something was amiss. And before I knew it, Suzy reappeared at the shower…dressed as Gumby. I was like, what the hell? And just like before, she started talking like Mr. T., saying crap like, “I pity the fool who don’t wanna play baby bingo.” I was like, don’t bring up that game! Our friends were noticeably uncomfortable as Gumby strode through their party like some big green Nazi. And then Gumby decides to start holding one of the babies at the party. And then, to make matters worse, Suzy starts singing to the kid. She starts singing the Gumby theme song. Well, the baby starts bawling, my friend’s mother takes the baby away, and I’m positive we’re about to be escorted out. Then my friends ask Gumby if she would help hand out the baby bingo cards. I was like, you gotta be kidding me. We’re never going to leave! In fact, we were the last ones to leave!

By the time we did leave, I am pissed! We are driving home and I turn to Suzy and say, “I thought you promised me we would be in and out of there. We were the last damn ones to leave!” She just said that it would have been inappropriate to leave early. Inappropriate? I said, “How could it be any more inappropriate than dressing up like Gumby at a baby shower and making all the babies cry? Answer me that, Gumby!” And do you know what she did? She just looked at me and winked. What kind of fucking answer is that?

Well, time marched on and the event was forgotten. Then something happened that I suppose eventually was going to happen-- Suzy and I started dating. We just had so much in common and did almost everything together, why not start having sex together? So we did. Now we went to occasions as a couple. This was quite nice. And the next occasion we would be attending was the wedding of my friends Jim and Laura. I had known them since I was a kid but hadn’t seen them in such a long time. Actually, Suzy had never met them. All were excited to finally meet one another.

The day of the wedding came and Suzy picked me up in her new car. She looked absolutely radiant in a beautiful green dress. I was so happy we were now fornicating. I am a lucky guy. Well, we get to the wedding and notice the future in-laws outside the church arguing with each other. I ask Jim what is going on. He then tells me that his parents don’t like Laura and Laura’s parents don’t like him. I thought this is going to make for one hell of a time at the reception.

Fortunately, the wedding went off without a hitch, and it was on to the reception. I figured the reception would be a good time for Suzy and Jim and Laura to finally meet. Upon arriving at the reception, Suzy and I took our seats and chatted with the other people at our table. Eventually dinner was served and we all got our plates filled and began to eat. I was thinking that maybe soon Suzy and I would be getting married. I don’t know. There was just a nice feeling in the air.

That nice feeling went away rather quickly. All of a sudden Jim’s parents got into it with Laura’s parents and all hell broke loose. Things were getting really heated. Other guests were trying to calm them down. Then Laura’s dad made his way over to Jim and started calling him a “loser” and a “drunk.” Well, Jim took exception to this and told Laura’s dad to leave immediately. Then Laura got into the act. She got up and yelled at Jim for telling her dad to leave. Then Jim started yelling at Laura. Well, Laura’s dad didn’t like someone yelling at his daughter, so he promptly took a swing at Jim. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I turned to Suzy to tell her, “Can you believe what is happening?” when I realized she wasn’t there. Suzy had disappeared.

My first thought was, “Oh, fuck.” But then I thought she probably went to the restroom. I mean, she doesn’t even know these people. And then out of the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of green whiz by the windows heading towards this reception area. Then suddenly a door opened and Gumby appeared. Laura’s mom actually screamed. Everyone then looked to the direction she was screaming at to see what was going on. And then Suzy, in her best Mr. T. voice shouted, “I pity the fool who fucks up a reception!” Then Laura’s mom screamed at her, “Get out of here, you psycho! Get out!” Suzy seemed to take exception to this. And before I knew it, she started chasing Laura’s mom who was now screaming for her life.

So there they are running all around the reception area. I don’t know why Laura’s mom kept screaming, but she did. Laura’s dad started screaming at Jim again like he was a part of this. Jim’s parents started screaming at Laura saying this was one of her stupid pranks. And then I noticed that Laura’s mom was actually crying and screaming as Gumby chased her. So Laura, in her full white wedding gown, started chasing Suzy yelling at her to stop. Laura’s dad started in on the chase too, with Jim chasing Laura’s dad for hitting him earlier. What a freaking mess!

Gumby was very close to grabbing Laura’s mom, when suddenly Laura’s mom lost her footing and slammed right into the wedding cake, all the while still screaming. And what does Suzy do? She jumps right on her, and this causes Laura’s mom to let out the loudest blood-curdling scream I have ever heard. Finally, they drag Gumby off Laura’s mom. I have finally made my way over there and I help Suzy up. I ask her, “Why? Why did you do this?” Well, Jim hears this and immediately turns to me with a shocked look on his face and says, “You know this person?” I just said, “Jim, Laura, this is Suzy, my girlfriend.” Well, Laura starts screaming at me that it’s just a miracle her mom didn’t have a heart attack. I said, “Why was your mom freaking out so much?” It is here that she informs me that her mom has a deathly fear of Gumby. She has had nightmares about him for over 30 years. The second she finishes screaming this at me, I notice security come charging in the room. Everyone is pointing to Gumby and I. I immediately started panicking. I thought maybe we should make a run for it. I was really worried. We could go to jail for this!

Well, security calmed everyone down and listened to their complaints. Then they immediately rounded Suzy and I up and took us to their car to wait for the police to arrive. I now had my fill of Suzy and decided she should take the heat for this whole thing. When the police arrived, I explained to them that I didn’t do anything. But security told them I had masterminded the whole reception sabotage plan. So the police took us both Suzy and I to the car. I said to them, “I didn’t know she was going to do this! She acted on her own! You’ve got to believe me!” And the officer in charge just turned around towards me and in the snidest tone he could muster, he said, “Pipe down, Pokey.” I knew it! I damn well knew this would happen.

So we’re in the police car and they are transporting us to the station. I had never been arrested before. I had never even gotten a ticket. I was pissed, scared, nervous and morbidly afraid of being anally raped in the holding cell by some over-sexed repeat offender. I turned to Suzy, who was still dressed as Gumby, and noticed she was smiling! I just screamed at her, “How can you be smiling at a time like this? Do you find this funny? I am going to jail because of you! Damn it, I can’t go anywhere with you! Why would you do this?” She just kept looking forward with that stupid smile on her face like she was having a grand time. So I screamed, “Well, Gumby, what do you have to say for yourself?” Finally, she slowly turned towards me. Finally, at least I’ll get some explanation and the cops will hear it and know that I am innocent. And what does she do? She just looks at me and smiles and winks. I fucking hate you, Gumby. I wish you would disappear!