THE SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: MY PORNOGRAPHIC DOG

They call him man’s best friend, but not when he does something this deliberate. I mean, to ruin a man’s good time like that, it’s just uncalled for. But maybe I’m jumping a little ahead of myself here. I suppose this story would make a lot more sense if told it from the beginning, but I just didn’t want to rehash the day that my dog became man’s worst enemy.

I had been having some very stressful days at work as of late, what with my new promotion to waiter from host. It used to be I just had to write down someone’s name and then sit back and watch them squirm for an hour waiting for a table. Sure, sometimes the diners-to-be would start getting a little irate and start ranting at me, but that would just cause me to bump back their time a little more. Well, whatever. The point is I was stressed out now and I needed to unwind after work.

Some people have a glass of wine to unwind, some put on classical music, some smoke pot, some exercise. I watch pornography. Smut to the layperson. Hey, it’s just what I do. It relaxes me, it soothes me, it releases me. The one problem with watching porno where I live is that I have roommates. More to the point, nosy roommates. Oh, and did I mention that my girlfriend lives with me? Yeah, well, it’s a full boat at my home. So having enough privacy to even watch porno usually takes some stealthy doing.

So on this fateful day, I arrive home to a crowded house and a dog eager for his before-dinner walk. No time for unwinding for this guy. Not one damn second. So I get the dog’s leash, strap it onto him and we both head for the not-so-great outdoors. Now, mind you, I have had a most stressful day today. Working with that lunch crowd really takes a lot out of a waiter, even though we are only open for two hours for lunch, then close down to get ready for the dinner crowd. Still, this boy is wound too tight today for this dog-walking business. I should have gotten a cat.

Now, of course, on this walk this dog wants to sniff everything, including his own ass, but what he does not want to do is listen. So on today’s walk, he is walking me. If only for one day he would just be content with lying his ass on the floor, I’d be one happy pilgrim. Sometimes on these walks, people who happen to be out for their early evening constitution love to just pet the little pooch. But today, it seems like everyone and their bratty kids are out and about, and they all want to pet this damn dog. And, oh, boy, is he loving it. It basically got to the point where I had to tell these people to get their filthy grubby hands off my dog. Damn, I needed to unwind, and I can’t do it with every jackass on the street acting like they’ve never seen a damn dog before!

After much delay with our local village idiots, I finally arrive home. I rush into the kitchen with the hound and start getting his food ready for his dinner. So even after that walk, after all the time I just spent escorting his ass all over the neighborhood, what does he do now? He takes a big crap in the kitchen right in front of our kitchen door. I’m standing there digging out his food when a horrible smell washes over the kitchen. I turn around to find him wrapping up a horse-type dump. Then he kicks his back legs like he’s trying to cover it up or something. Yeah, like that linoleum is really gonna work there, Lassie.

My first reaction, I believe, to this situation is a normal one. I scream, which then immediately turns to gagging. And then on top of that, my gagging turns to full-out hurling. It’s finally happened. Man’s best friend has sickened me to the point of oral expulsion. So what happens next, you ask? Imagine, if you will, the absurd, and there you have it. The dog saunters over to his dog dish. I am in disbelief that he is even thinking of eating after all that, but he does eat. He stops at his dish, looks back up at me, and then leans to his right and starts eating my puke.

I just remember at this point screaming the word “no.” It was also at this same time that I heard my roommates coming towards the kitchen. I’m thinking to myself, good, some help at this point will be nice. I stopped thinking this the second they opened the kitchen door. See, we have a swinging kitchen door, and upon entering the kitchen, you usually swing the door open. Well, they did just that, and in so doing, dragged the stinking pile of feces that was festering in front of the door all across the floor. So now we have the worst smelling dog dump in the world spread far and wide in the kitchen, two people staring at me like I did this and a dog munching down on fresh human bile. It better be one hell of a porno for me to unwind from this. I should have gotten a cat.

Once I restored order in the household and assured my roommates I did not intentionally make any of the proceedings happen, I retreated to my room and locked the door. Finally, I was alone and the unwinding was soon to begin. I had to first retrieve my pornography from my secret hiding place. See, the thing is, my girlfriend does not really appreciate those types of movies or magazines. You may call her a feminist or a moralist. I call her a prude. Anyway, she is the reason for the hiding place. To access my hiding space, I have to move my desk away from the corner. On the backside of the desk I have a briefcase screwed to the desk. It fits into a groove I cut out from the desk. And the briefcase can only be accessed with a key that is hidden in my sock drawer in my thick wool socks that no one will ever wear. I am a freakin’ genius.

After opening said briefcase, I locate the appropriate porno for the occasion, Whale Riders – Skinny Guys and Fat Chicks. I gently caress it into the VCR, and now the unwinding can begin. Now, just as things get going and I am beginning to relax a little, my damn dog starts whining at my door because he wants me to let him in. I choose to ignore him at first, but then he steps up his efforts. He now starts scratching at the door and barking. I am at this point forced to let the fleabag in or else my roommates will start to come over and ruin my chances of watching my movie with the sound on. Damn dog!

Well, I let the asshole in, and he promptly comes right in the room and stands in front of the TV. At first I sit down on the floor and resume playback, but realize my view is obstructed. I yell at him to move and he does. Yeah, he moves, but he comes directly over to me and starts trying to sniff my area. Now, I have to use my free hand to push him away, but he does something even more repulsive. He starts licking my freakin’ face. Now all I can smell is puke. I smell like my own sick. But what can I do? I’m not going to get up and wash my face at this point. I have to unwind completely first. I have to!

I finally get the four-legged prick to move his vomit-eating ass and again I’m off to the races. Now everything is going smoothly for a couple of minutes. I begin to think this may actually happen with no more hang-ups. I even turn the sound up a little. On the screen, you know what we have—two people who love each other very much who are moaning quite passionately. Their moans are really intensifying. I am loving it. I am about to unwind fully when all of a sudden my dam dog starts howling.

Needless to say, this scares the crap out of me. At first I thought someone else came into the room. I become so flustered I pause the movie. He then stops his howling, thank God. I look at him for about 30 seconds, and then resume my voracious viewing. Once the movie starts, five seconds later that damn dog starts howling again, and this time it is even louder. I immediately hit pause and immediately he stops. I push play and he starts howling again. I push pause he stops. What the fuck is going on?

At this point I am getting ready to throw him out when both my roommates knock at my door and ask if everything is all right. I realize at this point the unwinding is not gonna happen. I assure them everything is okay. I tell them the dog is howling at some yodeler on the TV. They seem skeptical, but they go back to their rooms. I turn off the movie and give the dog a glaring look. What an asshole. Now I am more stressed than ever and I smell like puke. It is about here when I realize what time it is. I am supposed to pick up my girlfriend from work in about ten minutes. She told me not to be late again today, but I think that is now out of my control. I quickly put on my pants, throw the damn dog outside and jet off to pick her up.

I eventually pick my girlfriend up, though I am about 15 minutes late. She is none too pleased. I think you could go as so far to say she was livid. The whole ride home she lectured me about how I just don’t know how to manage my time and that I am unreliable. Basically, just a whole bunch of female nonsense. I finally did calm her down by explaining to her about the dog. I did have to make up a story about how the dog stepped on a thorn and was howling until I took the time to remove it from his paw. She suddenly forgot all about me being a tiny bit late and said that was so sweet of me to do. It wasn’t really a lie. I mean, there was a thorn—it was the dog and it was actually in my side!

Upon arriving home, we both adjourn to our bedroom only to find the two roommates and the damn dog in there! They are inspecting the dog as if they are some kind of damn vets. I ask them what the hell they are doing. This is when they begin to tell my girlfriend the story of how the dog would start howling really loudly and then stop all of a sudden, and then resume howling about 10 seconds later. She of course told them of how I rescued the dog from sheer agony by removing a thorn from his paw. They all think this so great. They’re all agreeing how that is one of the nicest things they have heard of someone doing. It is here when my girlfriend comes over to me and gives me a great big hug. But in the midst of this hug, she starts sniffing. I ask her what the hell she is doing. She says I smell a little like puke. My roommates come over and start sniffing me too. This has to be the most embarrassing and awkward moment of my life.

So here am I about to explain why I smell like puke when all of a sudden my roommate darts out of the room and says he has got something to show us and for us to stay right where we are. He reappears in 30 seconds with a videotape. He said my mom came by and left it. She said it is of me when I was five dressed up like a pumpkin for Halloween. Okay, now I am about to have a new most embarrassing moment. My girlfriend tells my roommate to put the tape in. Then she rushes over to me and starts using words like “darling” and “precious.” She is just gushing over me while my two roommates turn on the TV and get the tape ready to play. One of them mumbles something to me about “checking something else out,” or it may have been “getting something out.” I have no idea. Suddenly a tape starts playing, but it’s not me dressed as a pumpkin. It is the damn porno I left in the VCR. My roommates start laughing and my girlfriend actually gasps. The couple on the screen are moaning like there’s no tomorrow. They all turn around to look at me. They all had perplexed stares on their faces, like I had done something wrong. And then the damn dog starts howling along with the people moaning. They all turn to the dog and then turn back to look at me with their jaws almost hitting the floor, or so it seemed. I hate that dog! I really, really hate him! I should have gotten a cat.