TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN WORST FIRST DATES I HAVE EVER BEEN ON

1. Now, this date seemed to be going along great. We were getting along well at dinner. We even shared our order with each other (we had two different pasta dishes). We had some drinks to go along with dinner. Damn, we even ordered a piece of chocolate cake with raspberry dressing on it. We were hitting it off. We ventured on after the dinner to a classy bar for a martini. Then afterwards we went to my car. Well, we got in the car to leave and before I started the car, she leaned over and started kissing me. This was going great! We were making out for about a minute, and then all hell broke loose. All of a sudden, she leaned back and started puking all over my car. And this wasn’t some itty-bitty puke. She was spraying puke out like a geyser. By the time she was done, the car and I were covered in everything that she had consumed that day. By the looks of it, she had an abundance of corn earlier. And then to make matters worse, she leans over to try to start making out again. That’s when I knew this girl was a sick bastard!

2. This next one was a doozy. This girl and I go to this nice restaurant for dinner. She actually picks me up for the date. Well, we get to the restaurant we approach the host desk. Well, the host says hi to my date like he knows her, and then gives me a dirty look. Whatever. We get our table and the second we sit down she starts looking around for something. A second later her eyes light up as she sees this waiter. Then instantly she starts sobbing. I mean, loudly. The waiter sees her, comes straight over to her and starts yelling at her, “What are you doing here? How could you bring a date here? I can’t believe you’re already dating! We’ve only been broken up 2 days!” Then she starts blubbering, “I want you to give me another chance! I’ll change. I will!” I’m just sitting there, quietly resigning myself to the fact that this date will not end up in sex.

3. The movies are always a good choice for a first date. Or at least I thought. My date and I decided to go see “American Psycho.” Well, in this movie, before he slaughters some people, he gives a lengthy speech on how great Huey Lewis and the News, Phil Collins and Whitney Houston are. Well, each time he does this I am dying laughing. My date, though, does not see the humor in this. Finally, the movie ends and we’re in her car and I proceed to tell her how hilarious I thought his speeches were. I said what moron would like Huey Lewis and the News? As I finish saying this I begin to notice a few Huey Lewis and the News Cds lying on her dashboard. She then tells me quite sternly that Huey Lewis and the News is the greatest band ever and that I don’t know what great music is. I just calmly looked over at her and said, “Contrary to what you may have heard, it isn’t hip to be square.” I pretty much walked home from there.

4. I still don’t know what this next girl was thinking. I know there’s some uneasiness on a first date, but to bring someone with you on a first date is unacceptable. Well, this girl did. She brought a guy along with her. And no he wasn’t her chaperone. He wasn’t even an ex-boyfriend. He was just her gay male friend. So, all three of us are at dinner, and they are both ordering very expensive meals. I just let this go without comment. He is talking the whole time. And then I see her look at me kind of funny and then start rubbing my leg from under the table. I thought, weird, but okay, as long as it leads to sex, I’ll let it go. Then she gets up from the table to use the restroom and the damn rubbing of my leg is still going on! That damn guy was doing it the whole time. That was it! I claimed that I had to use the restroom too. But I walked over to our waiter and paid for my portion of the meal and left without ever saying good-bye. I immediately went home and showered my leg.

5. The notion of this first date sounded good, This girl invited me over to her place. She gave me directions to her house. She said she was going to cook me dinner. I thought, good deal. The chance of sex would be higher on her home court. But when I got to her “home court,” I rang the bell and some old couple answered the door. I thought, damn, she’s got some old roommates. Then my date comes to the door and says, “I would like you to meet my parents.” I just smiled and thought to myself, “Fuck!” I walk in and there’s her whole big-ass family at this long dinner table waiting for me to sit down. So I give a half-ass smile and sit down at the table at the seat with my name card. For the next half hour I am grilled about my intentions with their little daughter. What a great date. I got Granny Goose on one side of me, Father Time on the other, and my date’s brothers and sisters all dressed up like they were going to church. I did get the hell out of there early by claiming I had a curfew because I still lived with my parents. For some reason, they seemed to find this admirable. Needless to say, I didn’t get the sex I was looking for. I don’t think Granny Goose would have found this acceptable.

6. This date was just sickening. I invited this girl over for dinner. Yes, I was going to cook for this date. Well, she arrived and we chatted while I finished up the cooking. We both had a beer and chatted some more and then she excused herself to use the restroom. Well, after she came out of the restroom, dinner was ready and I started serving it. Well, we were eating and laughing and having a grand old time, and then I had to excuse myself to use the restroom. As I walked to the restroom, visions of sex danced through my head. Well, all that came to a screeching halt when I arrived in the bathroom and lifted the toilet lid to pee. It was there that I saw the hugest dump of my life. I started dry heaving. The funny thing is I don’t ever remember hearing the toilet flush. Well, I immediately flushed it, while continuing to dry heave. I was so sickened I couldn’t even pee. I went back out to my date and sat down. And what does she do? She starts getting on my case about flushing the toilet and wasting water. It was then that I realized that she purposely left that sick crap in the toilet. It was here that I walked her to the door and said good night. I told her even animals bury crap like that.

7. This next date was in the same fashion as the number six girl. I too invited this girl over so I could cook her dinner. Well, she arrived in timely fashion and we sat down and chatted. She told me she wasn’t really hungry, but she might nibble. Okay, as long as she’s here, that’s the most important thing. Well, she excuses herself to use the restroom. Now, this would be a recurring sequence for the next hour. She must have used the restroom like 10 ten times. Finally, on the tenth time I couldn’t take it. I pretended like I had to use the restroom after her and I actually went in there and started sniffing around to see if she’s crapping her brains out. There was no smell. I just thought, damn, she pees so much she must be part horse. All of a sudden my friend pops by and sees my date. He then asks to speak to me in the kitchen. I oblige and go in there and ask him what he wants. He tells me that my date, who is now back in the bathroom, is a coke head. My reaction is one of relief. I was worried she was fouling up my bathroom. He then informs me cokeheads have the worst-smelling craps ever! Just then she moseys on out of the bathroom and the smell that followed her was ghastly. So I led her and her rotting insides to the door and my friend and I finished the meal I made.

8. So, I arrived to take this girl out for dinner. Now, this was a blind date. I was a little nervous to say the least. I had never been on a blind date before. But my friends assured me this girl had a great personality and was real cute. I mean, this all sounded good, right? Wrong. I got to her door and rang the bell. Then this cute girl answers the door—a real cute 6’5” girl. She was tall as hell. I mean, I felt like a midget next to her. I had the feeling she was going to be quite unimpressed with my normal size penis. Whatever. Well, we drive to the movie theaters after the restaurant where we had dinner. While walking up to the theater, she starts holding my hand. Now, this should have been a nice feeling, but she was so tall I felt like a little kid holding his mother’s hand. Then to make matters worse we run into a 6’8” guy, and she knows him. But of course. She doesn’t only know him, she used to date him. Now they start talking while I am actually in the middle of them and she is still holding my hand. I think all of the people who were walking by probably thought they were my parents and I was their little boy. And then to make matters worse in the theater, it was so crowded, we couldn’t sit together. So where does she sit? Directly in front of me. I couldn’t see a damn thing! To this day I still wonder why she wore heels on this date too.


9. Another date and another restaurant. Only this isn’t as pleasant as the rest of the stories. No, my date and I were out at a nice chain restaurant and we started ordering. No, wait a minute, I started ordering, she started just reading off the menu. I mean, she was ordering almost the whole menu. I thought at first she was joking, but when the waiter left I knew my date was a hog. And when the waiter (make that waiters) did return, they had some interesting combinations for her. She was eating like lasagna and sushi together, chili and orange chicken, a crepe with turkey pot pie. And she consumed every last one of these. Then she washed it all down with about eight cups of coffee and a root beer float. She even had the nerve to eat off my plate. I’m surprised she didn’t start eating one of the other patrons after she was through. I mean, she ate so much they took her damn picture and put it on the wall. And the weird thing about this scene was she was a small girl who probably only weighed about 130. The only thing I could think was she must take huge dumps. Dinner ended and I took her home. I told her maybe tomorrow I’ll pick her up and we can go to an all-you-can eat. She seemed to like this idea. I bet you would, you hog!

10. I remember being in a rush for this last date and I didn’t want to be late picking her up. We were going to a party. I rushed out the door and drove off to get her. Well, I got her in the car and we sped off to the party. All of the sudden I smelled a faint body odor. I must have forgotten to put on deodorant. Great. Well, the smell kept getting worse and worse until I knew she must have smelt it, so I had to apologize. I told her I was in such a rush I forgot to put on deodorant. She replied with, “That’s all right. I just got back from a run and I didn’t have time to shower or change.” I thought, “What the fuck?” That smell ain’t coming from me. It’s her putrid smell! Well, we still had another 15-minute drive and I swear, every minute her smell became more and more atrocious. It got so bad I considered trying to fart to at least freshen up the smell. By the time we got to the party I could swear she was rotting. Before I could get out of the car, she leaned over and tried to start getting busy with me. I mean, she got on my lap and started rubbing on me. But she was still rotting! She kept this up for about five minutes. I damn near passed out from the fumes. And I still couldn’t fart! Then finally she got off my lap and proceeded to get out of the car. Well, I also got out and then realized my clothes now smelled of her-- her filthy, urine-smelling ass. And do you know what she was doing? She started smelling her pits! I started throwing up here. I took the garbage queen immediately home and burnt my clothes later.