TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: WORST TERMS FOR MASTURBATION I HAVE EVER HEARD
1. Choking the Chicken
Now this one I can maybe figure out. Maybe “chicken” came from “cock”. That I can possibly see. But just imagine how this one must have originated. There were some hicks on a farm watching one of their friends trying to kill a chicken. Well, Cletus probably had his shit-stained hands around some chicken and was squeezing the life out of it while his buddies were noticing how this action seemed to remind them of their favorite pastime, which probably explained the reason they were a little erect too. Now they had a name for what they did behind their barn 12 times a day. Horny-ass hicks.
2. Snake Charming
Can you believe someone actually uses this term for masturbating? Well, they do. Now, maybe I can see why they came up with this one, but come on. Unless you are truly blessed in length down there, you should have to use the term “worm charming” or “midget dead slug charming.” And there really is nothing charming about the action anyway. I’ve never heard someone say, “Oh, you should see Jimmy’s perfectly charming hobby. He’s got it down to a science now.”
3. Apprehending the Suspect
This one might be more common with employees of the law enforcement sector, but I have seen your basic buttplugs use this term. As heroic as this term may seem, it is not pretty. “Apprehending” just conjures images of having to wrestle down something and put a firm choke-hold on it till it accepts what is happening. I suppose for a very violent masturbator, they could segue right into “Beating the Suspect.” You’ll know these people. They are always walking funny, claiming their leg hurts or they accidentally tripped. Yeah, right, you freakin’ horny bastard!
4. Shining the Stick
At least with this one, “stick” is probably more realistic than say “snake” when dealing with said subject matter. Now, about the “shining” part, I can’t imagine some successful self-lover ever looked down afterwards, surveyed the complete mess he made and noticed how his two-inch stick was suddenly glimmering under the bathroom lights at his place of employment. If anything, there were probably bruises, considering this was probably his tenth time already that day. This guy would probably be a funny walker too.
5. Chasing Charlie
I just don’t get this one. Who the fuck is Charlie and why the hell would you be chasing him? When I first heard someone say this, I thought they had an intruder in their house and they had to chase them. Yeah, I thought that until he said that he loved to chase Charlie while watching “Edward Penishands.” Once I got what he was talking about, I asked where in the hell he got that term from. He goes, “Oh, you know Charlie from “Willy Wonka.” I immediately stopped him right there. Sometimes it’s better not to know.
6. Five Against One
Did you ever notice how a lot of these terms are based on some kind of violent act? I mean, take this one. This sounds like a fight. Obviously, it is the hand doing battle with the war-torn stump. Now, you would think something else though if someone started yelling, “Hey, there’s gonna be a fight—five against one. You gotta come see this!” You would think there was going to be a big fight and you would naturally follow the person who said this and you would naturally wonder when this person was going to take you to see this fight instead of undressing in front of you and then grabbing their “area” with one violent swing and start “charming.” Yeah, well, I’m a little slow. So what!
7. Packaging the Sausage
At least this one doesn’t conjure up some ruthless violent act. In fact, in sounds quite sanitary. That is until you think that what if the person who coined this phrase worked at like Farmer John on the packaging line and came up with it after he packaged a sausage that was not on the menu. Then you would begin to wonder what sort of pieces of flesh may have touched your Farmer John wieners before they reached your buns. Okay, I have actually made this sound worse than it is. Let’s just pretend like this one never happened.
8. Shooting Off the Old Rocket
With the word “old” in there, I wonder if this term may be used more with the senior citizen crowd. But I do know some people who “shoot off the rocket” so much that their “rocket” could possibly be withered now. But getting back to this term, at least it makes you think of a fireworks show, like on the Fourth of July. You know, when those skyrockets go off in the sky and everyone is going “oooh” and “ahhh,” just think that someone at the same time is doing something inappropriate in a perfectly good sock.
9. Shucking the Corn
Now this one just makes me sick. I love corn, especially corn on the cob, and once I heard the semen-stained jackass who used this term, I was forever tainted. I don’t even understand how someone came up with this, but I can tell you, it weren’t no city folk who did. I wonder if the same chicken chokers got tired of their old term and decided to come up with a new one. Just picture three in-breds who should be picking corn off the cob, but instead get all amorous in the cornfield. Now I’m afraid to eat popcorn for fear one of these hicks was humping the stock they got it from. Those assholes!
10. Punching the Clown
Ah, back to the violent behavior. Masturbation as it should be—just freakin’ angry and violent. I guess some carny came up with this term. You know those carneys, they look like chronic masturbators. You just think about that next time you’re letting one make you cotton candy or a snow cone. Still, though, I don’t get this one. Why a clown, and do you really punch it? I mean, is it possible there are some guys out there who go to the trouble of dressing up their crotch stick to resemble a clown? I mean, do they tape bright orange hair on the sides of the helmet part of the “stick” and use actual clown makeup for the face? And where the hell do they attach the two big floppy feet? I mean, you would need two things to attach them to and—Oh, God. I think I just made myself sick.
Yes, I did.
Please leave any strange terms you may have heard for this in the “comments” section. I’m just fascinated some of these. Toodles.
Now this one I can maybe figure out. Maybe “chicken” came from “cock”. That I can possibly see. But just imagine how this one must have originated. There were some hicks on a farm watching one of their friends trying to kill a chicken. Well, Cletus probably had his shit-stained hands around some chicken and was squeezing the life out of it while his buddies were noticing how this action seemed to remind them of their favorite pastime, which probably explained the reason they were a little erect too. Now they had a name for what they did behind their barn 12 times a day. Horny-ass hicks.
2. Snake Charming
Can you believe someone actually uses this term for masturbating? Well, they do. Now, maybe I can see why they came up with this one, but come on. Unless you are truly blessed in length down there, you should have to use the term “worm charming” or “midget dead slug charming.” And there really is nothing charming about the action anyway. I’ve never heard someone say, “Oh, you should see Jimmy’s perfectly charming hobby. He’s got it down to a science now.”
3. Apprehending the Suspect
This one might be more common with employees of the law enforcement sector, but I have seen your basic buttplugs use this term. As heroic as this term may seem, it is not pretty. “Apprehending” just conjures images of having to wrestle down something and put a firm choke-hold on it till it accepts what is happening. I suppose for a very violent masturbator, they could segue right into “Beating the Suspect.” You’ll know these people. They are always walking funny, claiming their leg hurts or they accidentally tripped. Yeah, right, you freakin’ horny bastard!
4. Shining the Stick
At least with this one, “stick” is probably more realistic than say “snake” when dealing with said subject matter. Now, about the “shining” part, I can’t imagine some successful self-lover ever looked down afterwards, surveyed the complete mess he made and noticed how his two-inch stick was suddenly glimmering under the bathroom lights at his place of employment. If anything, there were probably bruises, considering this was probably his tenth time already that day. This guy would probably be a funny walker too.
5. Chasing Charlie
I just don’t get this one. Who the fuck is Charlie and why the hell would you be chasing him? When I first heard someone say this, I thought they had an intruder in their house and they had to chase them. Yeah, I thought that until he said that he loved to chase Charlie while watching “Edward Penishands.” Once I got what he was talking about, I asked where in the hell he got that term from. He goes, “Oh, you know Charlie from “Willy Wonka.” I immediately stopped him right there. Sometimes it’s better not to know.
6. Five Against One
Did you ever notice how a lot of these terms are based on some kind of violent act? I mean, take this one. This sounds like a fight. Obviously, it is the hand doing battle with the war-torn stump. Now, you would think something else though if someone started yelling, “Hey, there’s gonna be a fight—five against one. You gotta come see this!” You would think there was going to be a big fight and you would naturally follow the person who said this and you would naturally wonder when this person was going to take you to see this fight instead of undressing in front of you and then grabbing their “area” with one violent swing and start “charming.” Yeah, well, I’m a little slow. So what!
7. Packaging the Sausage
At least this one doesn’t conjure up some ruthless violent act. In fact, in sounds quite sanitary. That is until you think that what if the person who coined this phrase worked at like Farmer John on the packaging line and came up with it after he packaged a sausage that was not on the menu. Then you would begin to wonder what sort of pieces of flesh may have touched your Farmer John wieners before they reached your buns. Okay, I have actually made this sound worse than it is. Let’s just pretend like this one never happened.
8. Shooting Off the Old Rocket
With the word “old” in there, I wonder if this term may be used more with the senior citizen crowd. But I do know some people who “shoot off the rocket” so much that their “rocket” could possibly be withered now. But getting back to this term, at least it makes you think of a fireworks show, like on the Fourth of July. You know, when those skyrockets go off in the sky and everyone is going “oooh” and “ahhh,” just think that someone at the same time is doing something inappropriate in a perfectly good sock.
9. Shucking the Corn
Now this one just makes me sick. I love corn, especially corn on the cob, and once I heard the semen-stained jackass who used this term, I was forever tainted. I don’t even understand how someone came up with this, but I can tell you, it weren’t no city folk who did. I wonder if the same chicken chokers got tired of their old term and decided to come up with a new one. Just picture three in-breds who should be picking corn off the cob, but instead get all amorous in the cornfield. Now I’m afraid to eat popcorn for fear one of these hicks was humping the stock they got it from. Those assholes!
10. Punching the Clown
Ah, back to the violent behavior. Masturbation as it should be—just freakin’ angry and violent. I guess some carny came up with this term. You know those carneys, they look like chronic masturbators. You just think about that next time you’re letting one make you cotton candy or a snow cone. Still, though, I don’t get this one. Why a clown, and do you really punch it? I mean, is it possible there are some guys out there who go to the trouble of dressing up their crotch stick to resemble a clown? I mean, do they tape bright orange hair on the sides of the helmet part of the “stick” and use actual clown makeup for the face? And where the hell do they attach the two big floppy feet? I mean, you would need two things to attach them to and—Oh, God. I think I just made myself sick.
Yes, I did.
Please leave any strange terms you may have heard for this in the “comments” section. I’m just fascinated some of these. Toodles.
posted by Cruzbomb at 10:01 PM
6 Comments:
Are you thinking of any carny in particular? "War-torn stump" and "a perfectly good sock"-- beautiful! This post is so fresh, it smells like baked bread. Can you masturbate with freshly baked bread?
How could you forget Rizzo (Stockard Channing) asking Kenickie (the ever-brilliant and underappreciated Jeff Conaway) if he'd been FLOGGING HIS LOG? (still thinking about baked bread... what about LASHING YOUR LOAF? I just coined that... I gotta go find some bread...)
I always thought "buffing the bishop" had a distinguished and invigorating ring to it...unless you start picturing an actual bishop.
Bruce
How about "interrogating the prisoner"? "Smacking Johnny in the back of the head"? Or, my favorite, "feeding the j-sock."
Ahem! all you oh-so-hip regular sex fiends and soon to be middle-aged punksters, what about Circle Jerk/s??! Of course, implying a group ritual of doing the hand jive.
Honestly, even I knew that!
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