SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: THE NUN WHO DRANK TOO MUCH - PART II
I admit it. I was a drunken mess and probably a little irrational, but I was still completely in the right here. Eddie violated every friend rule this night in one fell swoop. He knew I wanted to get back with Sabrina and he knew how much she meant to me. But did he care? No! There’s no way he could have cared while lodging his tongue towards the back of her throat. I often thought about Sabrina and I getting back together again and that first kiss. I just didn’t think I would be dressed as a nun watching “me” give her mouth a tongue bath!
Eddie and I got in the car and drove away. I immediately started screaming at him. “How could you? I thought we were friends! You are a schmuck!” I knew I was drunk when I starting using words like “schmuck.” Eddie did give me a weird look when I called him a schmuck. He just started laughing. Well, his laughter threw me into a fury and I started whacking him again with my yardstick! I was really going off!
And all the time I’m beating Eddie, I am screaming obscenities as loud as I can. Well, all the obscenities were adjectives preceding the word schmuck for some reason. I was yelling things like, “You fucking pie-faced schmuck! You fucking fetus-faced schmuck! You shit-asshole schmuck!” Man, there’s nothing worse than being a drunken nun who can’t get one word out his head while ranting. And all the while we’re driving, there’s a car right next to us. I finally look over to see who the hell it is. Well, it happened to be that old couple with the “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on their damn car! They are looking at me like I I’m the devil. Great. Just great.
Eddie is roaring now when he sees these people glaring at me. He is laughing so much he almost doesn’t realize the light’s red ahead. He has to slam on his brakes. This sudden stop does me absolutely no good. In fact, my stomach just started turning and turning. And then out of nowhere I started throwing up. I quickly turned my head and expelled onto the back seat. And I threw up a lot. The whole time I am throwing up I hear the old lady in the next car screaming while Eddie is yelling as loud as he can, “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!” So while I am throwing up I somehow manage to retrieve my yardstick and I started whacking Eddie again quite savagely. Eddie just starts laughing really hard. I mean, he is laughing so hard he actually causes himself to fart, and fart really loudly. Then I hear the old lady scream to her husband, “Now that nun is farting! Let’s get out of here, Clifford!” And as their car speeds away, I get a whiff of Eddie’s air pocket. It is horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but for some reason, people with the “clap” have the worst smelling farts. So once I get a whiff of this I started throwing up even more. And Eddie just starts laughing even harder, and then farts again.
Five minutes later, I finally got it all out. And then I started laughing. Eddie just looked over at me and said, “What the hell are you laughing at?” I simply turned to him and said, “I just threw up in your car.” Eddie just smiled and said, “I hate to twist your titties, but I’m driving your car, Sister.” I couldn’t believe I was so drunk I had forgotten. I became so flabbergasted I just screamed, “How could you, you fucking schmuck?” And what did he do? He just turned around to look at the back seat, turned to me and said, “You don’t chew your food very good.” After this moment, I drew a blank about the rest of the drive home.
About a month had passed and Eddie and I had finally mended our friendship. Sabrina had called me and actually apologized for making out with Eddie. She said she was a little drunk too and regrets it. She even said she missed me and wanted to get back together. I was on cloud nine these days. I was so happy I was whistling while I was opening my mail for the day. Everything was going my way. And then it happened. I got a ticket in the mail for running a red light. It was one of these stoplights that take your picture. I couldn’t believe it. It was a picture of me in my car running the light. It was $285. This sucked! And then I noticed the date. It was that Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend. The time the offense was committed was 1:00 a.m. I kept trying to recollect what I was doing that night, but I couldn’t figure it out. And then I looked closer at the picture of me driving. All of the sudden I started coughing. That wasn’t me driving. It was Eddie dressed up as me driving!
When Eddie got home I started screaming at him. “How could you run a red light in my car!” I showed him the ticket and took a long hard look at it. He looked up at me and then took another long hard look at it. I finally asked him what the hell was he studying it for. He said, “Damn, I really looked like you.” I just said, “Jackass, they’re going to think it was me running the red light.” But wait a minute. I should be in the picture dressed as a nun. I looked at the picture again but I was nowhere to be found. I asked him, “Where the hell was I when this was going on?” A smiled just crossed his face and I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer. Eddie said, “You’re not in the picture because you ended up passing out with your head on my lap.” And then Eddie just smiled and sighed. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.
I immediately told Eddie I was going to fight this ticket. And did he offer to help me? No way! He said if he did that he would have to pay the $285. What a friend. I told him I was going to fight this with or without him, and I would just get Sabrina to testify that he was the one driving. Eddie all of the sudden said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, all right, I’ll help you. Just leave Sabrina out of it.” I said, “Good. You’ve finally come to your senses. I knew you’d do the right thing eventua—Wait! Why the hell do you want me to leave Sabrina out of it?” Eddie just looked at me and smiled and sighed. I started screaming at him, “What else happened between you and her?” He just looked at me and didn’t say a word. He just smiled and sighed. I said, “Fine. Don’t tell me. But it’s going to have to come out sooner or later. But either way, you’re telling the judge that that’s you driving.” I then called and got a court date to fight this ticket one week from today. I was going to have my day in court if it killed me. And believe me, it almost did.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK (I PROMISE THIS TIME)
Eddie and I got in the car and drove away. I immediately started screaming at him. “How could you? I thought we were friends! You are a schmuck!” I knew I was drunk when I starting using words like “schmuck.” Eddie did give me a weird look when I called him a schmuck. He just started laughing. Well, his laughter threw me into a fury and I started whacking him again with my yardstick! I was really going off!
And all the time I’m beating Eddie, I am screaming obscenities as loud as I can. Well, all the obscenities were adjectives preceding the word schmuck for some reason. I was yelling things like, “You fucking pie-faced schmuck! You fucking fetus-faced schmuck! You shit-asshole schmuck!” Man, there’s nothing worse than being a drunken nun who can’t get one word out his head while ranting. And all the while we’re driving, there’s a car right next to us. I finally look over to see who the hell it is. Well, it happened to be that old couple with the “Jesus Saves” bumper sticker on their damn car! They are looking at me like I I’m the devil. Great. Just great.
Eddie is roaring now when he sees these people glaring at me. He is laughing so much he almost doesn’t realize the light’s red ahead. He has to slam on his brakes. This sudden stop does me absolutely no good. In fact, my stomach just started turning and turning. And then out of nowhere I started throwing up. I quickly turned my head and expelled onto the back seat. And I threw up a lot. The whole time I am throwing up I hear the old lady in the next car screaming while Eddie is yelling as loud as he can, “The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!” So while I am throwing up I somehow manage to retrieve my yardstick and I started whacking Eddie again quite savagely. Eddie just starts laughing really hard. I mean, he is laughing so hard he actually causes himself to fart, and fart really loudly. Then I hear the old lady scream to her husband, “Now that nun is farting! Let’s get out of here, Clifford!” And as their car speeds away, I get a whiff of Eddie’s air pocket. It is horrible. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but for some reason, people with the “clap” have the worst smelling farts. So once I get a whiff of this I started throwing up even more. And Eddie just starts laughing even harder, and then farts again.
Five minutes later, I finally got it all out. And then I started laughing. Eddie just looked over at me and said, “What the hell are you laughing at?” I simply turned to him and said, “I just threw up in your car.” Eddie just smiled and said, “I hate to twist your titties, but I’m driving your car, Sister.” I couldn’t believe I was so drunk I had forgotten. I became so flabbergasted I just screamed, “How could you, you fucking schmuck?” And what did he do? He just turned around to look at the back seat, turned to me and said, “You don’t chew your food very good.” After this moment, I drew a blank about the rest of the drive home.
About a month had passed and Eddie and I had finally mended our friendship. Sabrina had called me and actually apologized for making out with Eddie. She said she was a little drunk too and regrets it. She even said she missed me and wanted to get back together. I was on cloud nine these days. I was so happy I was whistling while I was opening my mail for the day. Everything was going my way. And then it happened. I got a ticket in the mail for running a red light. It was one of these stoplights that take your picture. I couldn’t believe it. It was a picture of me in my car running the light. It was $285. This sucked! And then I noticed the date. It was that Saturday of Memorial Day Weekend. The time the offense was committed was 1:00 a.m. I kept trying to recollect what I was doing that night, but I couldn’t figure it out. And then I looked closer at the picture of me driving. All of the sudden I started coughing. That wasn’t me driving. It was Eddie dressed up as me driving!
When Eddie got home I started screaming at him. “How could you run a red light in my car!” I showed him the ticket and took a long hard look at it. He looked up at me and then took another long hard look at it. I finally asked him what the hell was he studying it for. He said, “Damn, I really looked like you.” I just said, “Jackass, they’re going to think it was me running the red light.” But wait a minute. I should be in the picture dressed as a nun. I looked at the picture again but I was nowhere to be found. I asked him, “Where the hell was I when this was going on?” A smiled just crossed his face and I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer. Eddie said, “You’re not in the picture because you ended up passing out with your head on my lap.” And then Eddie just smiled and sighed. I knew I wasn’t going to like the answer.
I immediately told Eddie I was going to fight this ticket. And did he offer to help me? No way! He said if he did that he would have to pay the $285. What a friend. I told him I was going to fight this with or without him, and I would just get Sabrina to testify that he was the one driving. Eddie all of the sudden said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, all right, I’ll help you. Just leave Sabrina out of it.” I said, “Good. You’ve finally come to your senses. I knew you’d do the right thing eventua—Wait! Why the hell do you want me to leave Sabrina out of it?” Eddie just looked at me and smiled and sighed. I started screaming at him, “What else happened between you and her?” He just looked at me and didn’t say a word. He just smiled and sighed. I said, “Fine. Don’t tell me. But it’s going to have to come out sooner or later. But either way, you’re telling the judge that that’s you driving.” I then called and got a court date to fight this ticket one week from today. I was going to have my day in court if it killed me. And believe me, it almost did.
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK (I PROMISE THIS TIME)
posted by Cruzbomb at 8:32 PM
1 Comments:
ARGGHH!!! I can't believe you sucked me into this story again, only to leave me hanging...well, anyway, I'm glad you're back and let's hope you come through with the next chapter right away! By the way, your marathon story was superb.
Bruce
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