FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: LEAVE IT TO BEAVERS

Tonight’s drunken rant is brought to you by rum punch because it’s never too early to start drinking like it’s summer.

I often wonder what TV shows as a kid corrupted me by my constant viewing of them. I mean, sure, some were harmless, but others were full of sexual innuendos and hidden messages just intended to corrupt the youth of our society. One such show for me was “Leave It To Beaver.”

Of course, the title is a dead giveaway, but there was so much more. First off, Beaver went through friends like a chronic masturbator goes through skin cream. I mean, at first it was Larry Mondello, a large portly child who was always on the make for food. I could see why Beaver got rid of him. Larry was shiftless and always getting Beaver into trouble. And there’s nothing worse than a spoiled fat kid.

In the later years Beaver got new friends, like Gilbert, Larry and, of course, Whitey. First off, these three friends were more what you would call assholes. All they would do is conjure up ways to get their Beaver into some trouble. I mean, was this town just chock full of shitheads? Was this the kind of thing I was supposed to think—that most people are no-good pricks? That secretly people really are out to get you? That paranoia is justified?

But a real doozy fo this show was the fact that in the ‘50s in an all-cracker show they would have a boy named “Whitey”. I’m fucking surprised they didn’t make him the mayor of this town. And come to think of it, I believe his given name was Whitey. Hell, he must have been royalty in this quaint little town. Why didn’t they just come out and call him Grand Wizard? So obviously here I learned if they call you “whitey,” chances are you can do anything you damn well please.

Then there is Beaver’s brother, Wally. Wally is your all-around sports guy and big man on campus. Wally’s whole problem is his friends, Eddie Hascal and Lumpy Rutherford. Now we all know Eddie. He’s a kiss-ass and a devious prick—it just depends on what “whitey” he is dealing with and how much power they command. But Lumpy, now here’s a masked marauder. Lumpy is what you might call light in the loafers. They never came right out and said it, but even when I was five, I was saying, “Hey, Mom, what’s the deal with this guy? He’s creeping me out.” My mom was quite straightforward with me. She just answered back, “Oh, he’s just a nice clean boy who, for some reason, likes to get humped real, real hard by other guys in his ass.” My mom didn’t see the point in mincing words.

Now, lastly, it was the dialogue on this show that sent hidden messages to children. Even to this day it makes me cringe when I think of what my sweet virgin ears were being bombarded with. The problem was with their use of the word “beaver” in a sentence. One was Mrs. Cleaver saying to Mr. Cleaver, “Ward, I think you were little hard on the Beaver last night.” I’m sure we’ve all heard that one. Another one was Lumpy turning to his dad and saying, “Oh, no, Dad. Here comes that filthy little Beaver.” Did they have to use the word “filthy”? Don’t they have any respect? Another one was Mrs. Cleaver saying to Wally, “Something stinks in your room. Will you go up there and smell the Beaver?” Even at five I was like, “Holy shit! Now we’re talking!” But the big one for me was when Mr. Cleaver turned to Mrs. Cleaver and said, “June, I just don’t know what gets into that Beaver sometimes.” Now this just sucked. I almost spit out my Cap’n Crunch and Tang. I remember just saying to my mom, “What the hell else is getting in the beaver?” I’ll spare you from what she said, but let me just say, it doesn’t allow me to look at Mrs. Cleaver the same anymore.

So there you have it. My corruption started early. My eyes were opened too soon to these kind of messages and pornographic talk. One day I am a sweet little boy in my Buster Brown shoes and salt and pepper pants, and the next day I’m wondering what gets into white people’s beavers. Damn those TV censors!