TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS: TOP TEN WAYS I'VE BEEN DUMPED
1. This actually happened at a concert of all places—a Frankie Goes to Hollywood concert. She was all excited about going and she bugged me for months about getting tickets. So I ended up buying tickets and we went. Now, sure I think a girl really liking this band is weird to begin with, but I was in this relationship for the free sex. Well, we’re at the show and the band is playing their big hit, “Relax,” and that’s when she springs it on me. She tells me, “I don’t think we’re right for each other. I’m in love with Holly Johnson.” Holly Johnson was the lead singer of FGTH. Well, this was quite humiliating to say the least. A girl who was wearing a fucking “Frankie Says Relax” T-shirt was dumping me for a gay guy. Little did she know Holly Johnson was gay, but was I going to tell her? No way. The one problem is that now I have to admit that I at one time in my life bought tickets to a Frankie Goes to Hollywood show. Why couldn’t she just have given me “the clap” instead like a decent girl?
2. There’s nothing like waking up on Christmas and opening presents and…getting dumped. Yep, I got dumped on Christmas. I woke up all excited about exchanging gifts. Well, my girlfriend and I exchanged gifts, only each gift I got from her was crappier and crappier. They started off being socks that were way too big for me. Then she got me underwear that was way too big for me. Then she got me a book on how to be your own best friend. Then the last gift she got me was a huge box. And in this box was all my stuff I had left at her place. And then she sprung it on me. I really would have been devastated by being dumped like this except for the fact that she smelled like a moose and I was happy to be rid of her and her stench. Mean? Sure, but I wanted my sense of smell back. But I can’t think of Christmas now without remembering her and her awful stench. ‘Tis the season to have hygiene.
3. Now this may sound worse than it is, but I was once dumped while having sex. Now as devastating as this sounds, it wasn’t that bad. It was some pretty good sex too. Well, at least it was for me. Things were going hot and heavy. I could tell by that “I’ve got other things on my mind” look in her eyes that I was once again amazing. And then it happened. The clock struck 15 seconds and I reached my peak. I guess this was enough for this girl because as I laid back onto the pillow with a feeling of sleepiness coming over me, she just turned to me and said, “I’ve had it. We’re breaking up.” I think that’s what she said. I don’t know. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she was gone. See, this dumping was pretty good as dumpings go.
4. You gotta hand it to this girl. She was as lazy as they come. This girl was the kind of girl who would drive her car next door or wouldn’t get up to change the channel on the TV if the remote broke and she was laying on the couch. Yeah, she was a real winner, but boy could she belch. And at the time this was probably what I was looking for. Well, we were out eating at a nice chain restaurant. The place was packed because it was a Friday night. Now just as soon as we finished our meal, she just leaned back and said she was leaving me because we were just too different. Then she punctuated this sentence with a foghorn type belch. I mean, this thing was so loud and powerful, I could swear I could smell what she had for breakfast. The place suddenly went quiet after that. She just smiled and said she had to go take a dump and she’d be right back. I was astounded. I quickly gathered myself after she left and decided I needed a free meal, so I promptly got up and stuck her with the bill. Too different? Yes, we were, thank God. But every time I hear the phrase “take a dump,” I harken back to the thought of this pig.
5. This could have been the weirdest one. I got dumped on a first date. At least I think it was me who got dumped. We had the typical dinner and a movie. Then afterwards we were walking on the docks—you know, real romantic stuff. Then all of a sudden she starts making out with me. I was thinking this is the best first date I’ve ever had, not counting that hooker from Tijuana. She was really kissing me passionately. She was really grabbing my ass hard too. I mean real hard. And then out of nowhere she stops kissing me and pushes me away. And then she starts sobbing and says, “Oh, we can’t keep doing this to each other. It didn’t work the first time.” It is here I start wondering why she did bring me to the docks. I’m getting really nervous, like she’s going to slice off my sweet spot and bludgeon me with it. Then she starts screaming, “Why do you do this to me? Why?” She kept yelling after this too, but I will never know what it was because I ran like hell away from there. I’m pretty sure I crapped my pants too that night, but that memory is a little hazy.
6. What made this next one a really bad dumping was the fact that I was actually paying for it when it happened. I got dumped while my girlfriend and I were at a counseling session she wanted us to go too. See, I had to pay for this session, but it was all a setup. Once she got me there, she started telling the counselor how much of a perv I was and that I was always walking around with a boner, especially after watching reruns of “Gomer Pyle.” I got pissed. I told the counselor that was just a one-time occurrence, but she didn’t believe me. She just moved her chair away from me. And then it happened—my girlfriend turned to me and said she was leaving me. Unfortunately, my heart started racing and for some reason I got a huge boner. Both my ex and the counselor got the worst looks on their faces when they saw what I erected. I didn’t try to do this. Whatever. I just took what little pride I had and my huge boner and just sashayed out of the office. It was okay. “Gomer Pyle” was coming on in half an hour and if I hurried, I could get home in time to catch it.
7. Nothing is as sweet as getting dumped at your girlfriend’s parents’ house. This was just a weird experience that I can still remember like it was yesterday. I was invited to this big dinner with all my girlfriend’s family there. I arrived and I was immediately seated at this big table in between her mother and father. This would have been okay, except for the fact that both her parents smelled like a combination of Ben Gay and feet. So much for me eating. And then my girlfriend came in the room and sat directly across from me. And then it got real quiet and my girlfriend stood up. She then said, “My family and I have decided it is time for us to break up.” I wish I would have thought of what to say before blurting out the first thing that came to my mind, but I didn’t. I just got up, smiled and said, “You and your family made this decision, huh? Well, how come you didn’t consult with them when you were playing with my taint?” Her mother screamed, her dad tried to hit me, but I was quickly away and out the door with my taint still intact.
8. Weddings are a beautiful place to witness true love…and get dumped. At least that’s what this one girlfriend of mine thought. Our friends were finally getting married and my girlfriend and I were so excited for them. Well, we were at the wedding and our friends had just gotten to the point when they say the “I dos”. It was here my girlfriend leaned over and said, “I don’t—I don’t wanna be with you anymore.” I just looked over at her and said, “You’re right. We’re not right for each other. I should date someone who is more human. It’s too hard to date a jackass!” Unfortunately, I yelled this last line and everyone gasped. The bride started screaming at the groom, “How can you let him say that about me?” Then they got into a big fight on the altar. Maybe I should have used my quiet voice.
9. This was the dumping from hell. This happened on a flight from Los Angeles to New York—a five-hour flight. The second the plane is in the air, my girlfriend turns to me and says she has been having an affair with one of my friends and that she wants to break up. I am just devastated. I quickly turned away because I started crying. She just told me to stop overreacting. I was so hurt. Well, about two hours later, my ex’s McDonald’s breakfast was kicking at her ass to come out, so she said, “Cry baby, I’m going to use the bathroom.” She went to the bathroom, and I immediately got up and got right in line after her. I tried to talk to her, but she ignored me. She then went into the bathroom and stayed in there for 10 minutes. When she came out, I went straight into the bathroom and got a great idea for revenge. I came out of the bathroom after about a second coughing and dry heaving. I pretended her crap was so bad it was killing me. Everyone turned to her and gave my ex a dirty look. They then closed the bathroom for the rest of the flight. My ex was so embarrassed she started turning red. At least this way I let everyone know she can dump in other ways too.
10. This one had to be the topper. I got dumped at work. And to make matters worse, it happened at the beginning of the day and I had to finish out my shift. I walked into my work place with a smile on my face. You see, I was dating my coworker. It was all so great. And then it happened. She dumped me at work right when she came in. She said something or other about how I was going nowhere and I had no ambition. I was like, “Hey, don’t we both have the same job, numb nuts?” She just responded with, “I want to go places. I can’t go places with you.” I said, “Go? Go where? Is there somebody else? Is that what this is?” Her eyes widened immediately and I knew where this was going. She said, “Yes. I’m sorry but there is someone else. It’s Jim.” You see, Jim was our boss. I just stood there silent for about 30 seconds, and then I said, “Well, I guess if you call Jim’s crotch going places, then you’re absolutely right. I’m not going places.” I then turned around, went to my desk and started working. Later when Jim came in, he came to me and said, “I hope we can work together, you, her and I.” I just said, “I am not interested in a three-way, you fucking pervert.” I then finished out my shift and went home and started looking for another girl to date. I never learn my lesson, do I?
2. There’s nothing like waking up on Christmas and opening presents and…getting dumped. Yep, I got dumped on Christmas. I woke up all excited about exchanging gifts. Well, my girlfriend and I exchanged gifts, only each gift I got from her was crappier and crappier. They started off being socks that were way too big for me. Then she got me underwear that was way too big for me. Then she got me a book on how to be your own best friend. Then the last gift she got me was a huge box. And in this box was all my stuff I had left at her place. And then she sprung it on me. I really would have been devastated by being dumped like this except for the fact that she smelled like a moose and I was happy to be rid of her and her stench. Mean? Sure, but I wanted my sense of smell back. But I can’t think of Christmas now without remembering her and her awful stench. ‘Tis the season to have hygiene.
3. Now this may sound worse than it is, but I was once dumped while having sex. Now as devastating as this sounds, it wasn’t that bad. It was some pretty good sex too. Well, at least it was for me. Things were going hot and heavy. I could tell by that “I’ve got other things on my mind” look in her eyes that I was once again amazing. And then it happened. The clock struck 15 seconds and I reached my peak. I guess this was enough for this girl because as I laid back onto the pillow with a feeling of sleepiness coming over me, she just turned to me and said, “I’ve had it. We’re breaking up.” I think that’s what she said. I don’t know. I fell asleep, and when I woke up she was gone. See, this dumping was pretty good as dumpings go.
4. You gotta hand it to this girl. She was as lazy as they come. This girl was the kind of girl who would drive her car next door or wouldn’t get up to change the channel on the TV if the remote broke and she was laying on the couch. Yeah, she was a real winner, but boy could she belch. And at the time this was probably what I was looking for. Well, we were out eating at a nice chain restaurant. The place was packed because it was a Friday night. Now just as soon as we finished our meal, she just leaned back and said she was leaving me because we were just too different. Then she punctuated this sentence with a foghorn type belch. I mean, this thing was so loud and powerful, I could swear I could smell what she had for breakfast. The place suddenly went quiet after that. She just smiled and said she had to go take a dump and she’d be right back. I was astounded. I quickly gathered myself after she left and decided I needed a free meal, so I promptly got up and stuck her with the bill. Too different? Yes, we were, thank God. But every time I hear the phrase “take a dump,” I harken back to the thought of this pig.
5. This could have been the weirdest one. I got dumped on a first date. At least I think it was me who got dumped. We had the typical dinner and a movie. Then afterwards we were walking on the docks—you know, real romantic stuff. Then all of a sudden she starts making out with me. I was thinking this is the best first date I’ve ever had, not counting that hooker from Tijuana. She was really kissing me passionately. She was really grabbing my ass hard too. I mean real hard. And then out of nowhere she stops kissing me and pushes me away. And then she starts sobbing and says, “Oh, we can’t keep doing this to each other. It didn’t work the first time.” It is here I start wondering why she did bring me to the docks. I’m getting really nervous, like she’s going to slice off my sweet spot and bludgeon me with it. Then she starts screaming, “Why do you do this to me? Why?” She kept yelling after this too, but I will never know what it was because I ran like hell away from there. I’m pretty sure I crapped my pants too that night, but that memory is a little hazy.
6. What made this next one a really bad dumping was the fact that I was actually paying for it when it happened. I got dumped while my girlfriend and I were at a counseling session she wanted us to go too. See, I had to pay for this session, but it was all a setup. Once she got me there, she started telling the counselor how much of a perv I was and that I was always walking around with a boner, especially after watching reruns of “Gomer Pyle.” I got pissed. I told the counselor that was just a one-time occurrence, but she didn’t believe me. She just moved her chair away from me. And then it happened—my girlfriend turned to me and said she was leaving me. Unfortunately, my heart started racing and for some reason I got a huge boner. Both my ex and the counselor got the worst looks on their faces when they saw what I erected. I didn’t try to do this. Whatever. I just took what little pride I had and my huge boner and just sashayed out of the office. It was okay. “Gomer Pyle” was coming on in half an hour and if I hurried, I could get home in time to catch it.
7. Nothing is as sweet as getting dumped at your girlfriend’s parents’ house. This was just a weird experience that I can still remember like it was yesterday. I was invited to this big dinner with all my girlfriend’s family there. I arrived and I was immediately seated at this big table in between her mother and father. This would have been okay, except for the fact that both her parents smelled like a combination of Ben Gay and feet. So much for me eating. And then my girlfriend came in the room and sat directly across from me. And then it got real quiet and my girlfriend stood up. She then said, “My family and I have decided it is time for us to break up.” I wish I would have thought of what to say before blurting out the first thing that came to my mind, but I didn’t. I just got up, smiled and said, “You and your family made this decision, huh? Well, how come you didn’t consult with them when you were playing with my taint?” Her mother screamed, her dad tried to hit me, but I was quickly away and out the door with my taint still intact.
8. Weddings are a beautiful place to witness true love…and get dumped. At least that’s what this one girlfriend of mine thought. Our friends were finally getting married and my girlfriend and I were so excited for them. Well, we were at the wedding and our friends had just gotten to the point when they say the “I dos”. It was here my girlfriend leaned over and said, “I don’t—I don’t wanna be with you anymore.” I just looked over at her and said, “You’re right. We’re not right for each other. I should date someone who is more human. It’s too hard to date a jackass!” Unfortunately, I yelled this last line and everyone gasped. The bride started screaming at the groom, “How can you let him say that about me?” Then they got into a big fight on the altar. Maybe I should have used my quiet voice.
9. This was the dumping from hell. This happened on a flight from Los Angeles to New York—a five-hour flight. The second the plane is in the air, my girlfriend turns to me and says she has been having an affair with one of my friends and that she wants to break up. I am just devastated. I quickly turned away because I started crying. She just told me to stop overreacting. I was so hurt. Well, about two hours later, my ex’s McDonald’s breakfast was kicking at her ass to come out, so she said, “Cry baby, I’m going to use the bathroom.” She went to the bathroom, and I immediately got up and got right in line after her. I tried to talk to her, but she ignored me. She then went into the bathroom and stayed in there for 10 minutes. When she came out, I went straight into the bathroom and got a great idea for revenge. I came out of the bathroom after about a second coughing and dry heaving. I pretended her crap was so bad it was killing me. Everyone turned to her and gave my ex a dirty look. They then closed the bathroom for the rest of the flight. My ex was so embarrassed she started turning red. At least this way I let everyone know she can dump in other ways too.
10. This one had to be the topper. I got dumped at work. And to make matters worse, it happened at the beginning of the day and I had to finish out my shift. I walked into my work place with a smile on my face. You see, I was dating my coworker. It was all so great. And then it happened. She dumped me at work right when she came in. She said something or other about how I was going nowhere and I had no ambition. I was like, “Hey, don’t we both have the same job, numb nuts?” She just responded with, “I want to go places. I can’t go places with you.” I said, “Go? Go where? Is there somebody else? Is that what this is?” Her eyes widened immediately and I knew where this was going. She said, “Yes. I’m sorry but there is someone else. It’s Jim.” You see, Jim was our boss. I just stood there silent for about 30 seconds, and then I said, “Well, I guess if you call Jim’s crotch going places, then you’re absolutely right. I’m not going places.” I then turned around, went to my desk and started working. Later when Jim came in, he came to me and said, “I hope we can work together, you, her and I.” I just said, “I am not interested in a three-way, you fucking pervert.” I then finished out my shift and went home and started looking for another girl to date. I never learn my lesson, do I?
posted by Cruzbomb at 12:06 AM
3 Comments:
Cruzbomb: It's impossible. You can't have had this many women in your life, to have this many of them dump you. I refuse to believe this is anything other than fiction! I don't know whether to be jealous or grateful that I've led such a relatively colorless love life!
Bruce
Of course this is true. I've been dumped 21 times, five times by the same woman. Hell, I've been dumped by women I wasn't even dating. But now I can look back and laugh-- laugh at the fool they've made me into. Ha, ha, ha!
Haha...I dunno, Cruzbomb: it's got to have felt pretty good to be free of some of those ladies!
Bruce
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