TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS(BROUGHT TO YOU ON FRIDAY): WORST TOASTS EVER
1. HERE’S TO MY BRAIN, HERE’S TO MY DICK, PICK ONE AND TAKE A LICK.
You gotta just love people like this. They don’t toast to world peace or to a great human being—they toast to their crotch! Now, maybe this toast could have been humorous, except for the fact that my moron friend Sam made it at our friend’s wedding, and Sam was the best man. You see, Sam is what you might call a little inappropriate. Of course, I was the only one laughing during the dead silence after he made this speech. Sam and I were asked to leave shortly after this toast.
2. "HERE’S TO HUEY LEWIS, IF HE ONLY KNEW US. "
"AH, HE’D PROBABLY JUST SCREW US."
Fuckin’ Huey Lewis is the shit, baby. At least that’s what my friend Lucy thinks. She was probably the biggest fan of Huey Lewis and the News that I have ever heard about, and if there is a bigger fan, I do not want to know about it. Her obsession with H.A.T.N. kind of scares the shit out of me. And Lucy didn’t make this whole toast. I added in the “screw” part. She was none too pleased about that. But how could I let her get away with this? I let her make this toast, next thing she’ll do is make a toast to Hall & Oates or Asia or Toto. Just so you know, never take a road trip with Lucy and forget to bring your own music.
3. RAISE YOUR GLASSES HIGH, AND LET THE GOOD TIMES FLY.
This toast was quite nice. In fact, I have heard it before, but what makes this one special is that there was more to this toast than just this. My friend Adrian got cut off making this toast. After he said “let the good times fly,” boy, did he ever let them fly. This cannonball stopped in mid-sentence and just projectile vomited all over the damn bar and a few ladies from the next party over. It was like the Exorcist, only with unchewed pieces of steak flying by mixed with Pepto-Bismol and bile. There were no good times after this. Just the soothing sounds of girlish screams.
4. HERE’S TO MY PENIS, MAY IT NEVER COME BETWEEN US.
This has got to be one of the best toasts I ever heard, not because of its clever rhyme, but because my friend Sal made it. You see, Sal is a transvestite. Now, there was some guy trying to pick him up at the time who I am positive thought Sal (Sally) was a woman. If you saw Sally, you would have thought she was a woman. Well, Sally made this toast and deepened his voice at the same time. Ah, the look on that guy’s face who was trying to pick up Sally was great. Let’s just say that was the last time I peed my pants from laughing so hard.
5. TO ALL MY BITCHES WHO GAVE ME THE ITCHES.
Some toasts were not meant to be out loud. This one would be the prime example. You see, my friend Perry should have kept this one to himself. He made this toast in front of a few of us and his new girlfriend. After he said this, I turned to her and said, “Thank God you didn’t sleep with this crabby bastard yet.” She just turned to Perry and was giving him the dirtiest look I have ever seen. She broke up with Perry that night and spread it around about Perry’s condition. To say it stopped Perry’s social schedule would be an understatement. Let me put it to you this way. Perry is now dating his hand.
6. HERE’S TO THAT FILTHY EX-WIFE SLUT OF MINE WHO WAS SCREWING MY BEST FRIEND BEHIND MY BACK WHILE I WAS AT WORK.
I love being single and spending Valentine’s Day with my single bitter friends. It just makes my being alone so much nicer. Well, my recently divorced friend Stuart made this toast and brought the sad tone of the night to a new depth. You see, Stuart said this at the exact same time his ex-wife walked in the bar we were at with a few of her single female friends. She heard every word and started screaming at Stuart who started screaming back. After about a minute, they stopped and his ex-wife and her single friends left. Nice, Stuart, real nice. Way to be a bummer and a cock-blocker all in one. Her friends were cute!
7. THIS TOAST IS FOR MY BALLS, THEY’RE BIG AND PINK
WITH THEIR BOILS AND ALL.
Some people you just can’t take out in public. My friend George would be one of those people. The nicer the occasion, the more inappropriate George will get. And so on this night, I should have expected nothing less. We were at our friend’s Mom’s 70th birthday party. We were all given a chance to say something nice about our friend’s mom before everybody, and there were a lot of “older” distinguished people there. I got up and said something quite nice about our friend’s mom. And then came George. After he delivered this toast, all I heard was choking, coughing and gasps aplenty from the crowd. Shit, I swear one older lady even crapped her pants, because there was an unpleasant odor permeating throughout the room shortly after George’s jackass toast.
8. RAISE ‘EM HIGH AND HARD FOR KISS, THEY ROCK LOUD AND WILD LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.
There’s nothing more displeasing than a Kiss fan, unless of course it is a Huey Lewis and the News fan. Once my friend, Sarah, made this toast, my body did something weird. It wanted to throw up and spit at the same time, mainly in her general direction. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Sarah is what you might call a Nascar-watchin’, Coors-Light swillin’, pickup-drivin’ cracker. She is a big Kiss fan. You cannot have a conversation with her without having her bring up Kiss. We were almost through the night without one mention of it, and then she busts out with this little toast. And unfortunately, she was dead serious when she said this. I just told her Kiss rocks about as hard Bon Jovi. I meant this sarcastically. She agreed with me anyway. I told you—a cracker!
9. HERE’S TO OUR FRIEND JIM KNASS FOR TAKING ONE IN THE ASS.
Our friend Jim Knass was a good guy who for a short time got into some money trouble. So when Jim’s was hauled off to jail for numerous unpaid parking tickets, we were all a little sad. When Jim got out of jail a short time later, we had a welcome home party for him. Jim seemed to have lost his easy-going way. He seemed bothered. And then at his party, our friend William made this toast. Obviously, it was a joke about prison rape. But the way Jim started crying made us feel that maybe there was some truth to this toast. Ah, poor Jim. I just hope he didn’t have to toss any salads too.
10. HERE’S TO GOOD FRIENDS. TONIGHT IS KIND OF SPECIAL.
My friend Jack made this toast and it actually got him laid. It was a good night out. We had good odds. It was just Jack and I ten girls. We are all at this big table, and then Jack stands up, raise his glasses, and breaks out with this toast. All the women loved it. One of them actually sighed. I quickly told them Jack didn’t just make that up. It’s from a beer commercial. Did they believe me? No! I couldn’t let Jack get away with this. He just smiled at me. All of the women said how sweet and great Jack was. I just kept screaming, “He stole that toast from a damn beer commercial! It’s from a Lowenbrau commercial! Doesn’t anyone remember that?” Jack eventually slept with one of those women later that night. I didn’t end up with anybody because of the toast I made. Let’s just say never use the words diarrhea and gonorrhea in a toast. Turns the ladies off.
You gotta just love people like this. They don’t toast to world peace or to a great human being—they toast to their crotch! Now, maybe this toast could have been humorous, except for the fact that my moron friend Sam made it at our friend’s wedding, and Sam was the best man. You see, Sam is what you might call a little inappropriate. Of course, I was the only one laughing during the dead silence after he made this speech. Sam and I were asked to leave shortly after this toast.
2. "HERE’S TO HUEY LEWIS, IF HE ONLY KNEW US. "
"AH, HE’D PROBABLY JUST SCREW US."
Fuckin’ Huey Lewis is the shit, baby. At least that’s what my friend Lucy thinks. She was probably the biggest fan of Huey Lewis and the News that I have ever heard about, and if there is a bigger fan, I do not want to know about it. Her obsession with H.A.T.N. kind of scares the shit out of me. And Lucy didn’t make this whole toast. I added in the “screw” part. She was none too pleased about that. But how could I let her get away with this? I let her make this toast, next thing she’ll do is make a toast to Hall & Oates or Asia or Toto. Just so you know, never take a road trip with Lucy and forget to bring your own music.
3. RAISE YOUR GLASSES HIGH, AND LET THE GOOD TIMES FLY.
This toast was quite nice. In fact, I have heard it before, but what makes this one special is that there was more to this toast than just this. My friend Adrian got cut off making this toast. After he said “let the good times fly,” boy, did he ever let them fly. This cannonball stopped in mid-sentence and just projectile vomited all over the damn bar and a few ladies from the next party over. It was like the Exorcist, only with unchewed pieces of steak flying by mixed with Pepto-Bismol and bile. There were no good times after this. Just the soothing sounds of girlish screams.
4. HERE’S TO MY PENIS, MAY IT NEVER COME BETWEEN US.
This has got to be one of the best toasts I ever heard, not because of its clever rhyme, but because my friend Sal made it. You see, Sal is a transvestite. Now, there was some guy trying to pick him up at the time who I am positive thought Sal (Sally) was a woman. If you saw Sally, you would have thought she was a woman. Well, Sally made this toast and deepened his voice at the same time. Ah, the look on that guy’s face who was trying to pick up Sally was great. Let’s just say that was the last time I peed my pants from laughing so hard.
5. TO ALL MY BITCHES WHO GAVE ME THE ITCHES.
Some toasts were not meant to be out loud. This one would be the prime example. You see, my friend Perry should have kept this one to himself. He made this toast in front of a few of us and his new girlfriend. After he said this, I turned to her and said, “Thank God you didn’t sleep with this crabby bastard yet.” She just turned to Perry and was giving him the dirtiest look I have ever seen. She broke up with Perry that night and spread it around about Perry’s condition. To say it stopped Perry’s social schedule would be an understatement. Let me put it to you this way. Perry is now dating his hand.
6. HERE’S TO THAT FILTHY EX-WIFE SLUT OF MINE WHO WAS SCREWING MY BEST FRIEND BEHIND MY BACK WHILE I WAS AT WORK.
I love being single and spending Valentine’s Day with my single bitter friends. It just makes my being alone so much nicer. Well, my recently divorced friend Stuart made this toast and brought the sad tone of the night to a new depth. You see, Stuart said this at the exact same time his ex-wife walked in the bar we were at with a few of her single female friends. She heard every word and started screaming at Stuart who started screaming back. After about a minute, they stopped and his ex-wife and her single friends left. Nice, Stuart, real nice. Way to be a bummer and a cock-blocker all in one. Her friends were cute!
7. THIS TOAST IS FOR MY BALLS, THEY’RE BIG AND PINK
WITH THEIR BOILS AND ALL.
Some people you just can’t take out in public. My friend George would be one of those people. The nicer the occasion, the more inappropriate George will get. And so on this night, I should have expected nothing less. We were at our friend’s Mom’s 70th birthday party. We were all given a chance to say something nice about our friend’s mom before everybody, and there were a lot of “older” distinguished people there. I got up and said something quite nice about our friend’s mom. And then came George. After he delivered this toast, all I heard was choking, coughing and gasps aplenty from the crowd. Shit, I swear one older lady even crapped her pants, because there was an unpleasant odor permeating throughout the room shortly after George’s jackass toast.
8. RAISE ‘EM HIGH AND HARD FOR KISS, THEY ROCK LOUD AND WILD LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.
There’s nothing more displeasing than a Kiss fan, unless of course it is a Huey Lewis and the News fan. Once my friend, Sarah, made this toast, my body did something weird. It wanted to throw up and spit at the same time, mainly in her general direction. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Sarah is what you might call a Nascar-watchin’, Coors-Light swillin’, pickup-drivin’ cracker. She is a big Kiss fan. You cannot have a conversation with her without having her bring up Kiss. We were almost through the night without one mention of it, and then she busts out with this little toast. And unfortunately, she was dead serious when she said this. I just told her Kiss rocks about as hard Bon Jovi. I meant this sarcastically. She agreed with me anyway. I told you—a cracker!
9. HERE’S TO OUR FRIEND JIM KNASS FOR TAKING ONE IN THE ASS.
Our friend Jim Knass was a good guy who for a short time got into some money trouble. So when Jim’s was hauled off to jail for numerous unpaid parking tickets, we were all a little sad. When Jim got out of jail a short time later, we had a welcome home party for him. Jim seemed to have lost his easy-going way. He seemed bothered. And then at his party, our friend William made this toast. Obviously, it was a joke about prison rape. But the way Jim started crying made us feel that maybe there was some truth to this toast. Ah, poor Jim. I just hope he didn’t have to toss any salads too.
10. HERE’S TO GOOD FRIENDS. TONIGHT IS KIND OF SPECIAL.
My friend Jack made this toast and it actually got him laid. It was a good night out. We had good odds. It was just Jack and I ten girls. We are all at this big table, and then Jack stands up, raise his glasses, and breaks out with this toast. All the women loved it. One of them actually sighed. I quickly told them Jack didn’t just make that up. It’s from a beer commercial. Did they believe me? No! I couldn’t let Jack get away with this. He just smiled at me. All of the women said how sweet and great Jack was. I just kept screaming, “He stole that toast from a damn beer commercial! It’s from a Lowenbrau commercial! Doesn’t anyone remember that?” Jack eventually slept with one of those women later that night. I didn’t end up with anybody because of the toast I made. Let’s just say never use the words diarrhea and gonorrhea in a toast. Turns the ladies off.
posted by Cruzbomb at 4:26 PM
1 Comments:
If you make these things up, you're a mad genius. If your friends and acquaintances actually made the toasts, you need some new friends! Hilarious.
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