FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: WELCOME TO SUMMER, DONNA

Ah, finally the summer has arrived and hopefully I will not see any of that damn rain for a while. I am not one of those people who want to go dancing in the street and hanging off light poles when I see a bunch of rain. No way in hell. When it’s raining, something snaps in my already deranged brain and makes me want to start chasing old ladies around. Why, you ask. I really don’t know. Maybe it’s because every cartoon I ever saw that had Mother Nature in it, she was portrayed as an old lady. So I blame all old ladies for the damn rain. Hence, the chasing.

I need sun. I function much better in warmer weather. Rain is for people who seek out depression. The reason these people love rain is because they get to stay in their place all day and wallow in their depression. These are the people who later on become flashers or peeping Toms. Trust me on this one. I apologize if you are one of these people, but you know who you are and how you are. Oh, and by the way, how’s the peeping going, you filthy flasher?

I know that the majority of people feel like me. Just look around when it is raining and you’ll see what I mean. When it rains, people are pissed off. They’re crashing their cars in anger, their cursing about getting soaked, they’re chasing old ladies and other random acts of violence. When it is sunny and warm, people are so happy their smiling, waving, handing out money and helping old ladies across the street. So what could be better than the arrival of summer, especially this year. So I say welcome to summer, Donna. And to all you old ladies, rest up and enjoy this summer, because the chasing will commence at the first drop of rain come this fall.

TOP TEN TUESDAYS PRESENTS(BROUGHT TO YOU ON FRIDAY): WORST TOASTS EVER

1. HERE’S TO MY BRAIN, HERE’S TO MY DICK, PICK ONE AND TAKE A LICK.
You gotta just love people like this. They don’t toast to world peace or to a great human being—they toast to their crotch! Now, maybe this toast could have been humorous, except for the fact that my moron friend Sam made it at our friend’s wedding, and Sam was the best man. You see, Sam is what you might call a little inappropriate. Of course, I was the only one laughing during the dead silence after he made this speech. Sam and I were asked to leave shortly after this toast.

2. "HERE’S TO HUEY LEWIS, IF HE ONLY KNEW US. "
"AH, HE’D PROBABLY JUST SCREW US."
Fuckin’ Huey Lewis is the shit, baby. At least that’s what my friend Lucy thinks. She was probably the biggest fan of Huey Lewis and the News that I have ever heard about, and if there is a bigger fan, I do not want to know about it. Her obsession with H.A.T.N. kind of scares the shit out of me. And Lucy didn’t make this whole toast. I added in the “screw” part. She was none too pleased about that. But how could I let her get away with this? I let her make this toast, next thing she’ll do is make a toast to Hall & Oates or Asia or Toto. Just so you know, never take a road trip with Lucy and forget to bring your own music.


3. RAISE YOUR GLASSES HIGH, AND LET THE GOOD TIMES FLY.
This toast was quite nice. In fact, I have heard it before, but what makes this one special is that there was more to this toast than just this. My friend Adrian got cut off making this toast. After he said “let the good times fly,” boy, did he ever let them fly. This cannonball stopped in mid-sentence and just projectile vomited all over the damn bar and a few ladies from the next party over. It was like the Exorcist, only with unchewed pieces of steak flying by mixed with Pepto-Bismol and bile. There were no good times after this. Just the soothing sounds of girlish screams.


4. HERE’S TO MY PENIS, MAY IT NEVER COME BETWEEN US.
This has got to be one of the best toasts I ever heard, not because of its clever rhyme, but because my friend Sal made it. You see, Sal is a transvestite. Now, there was some guy trying to pick him up at the time who I am positive thought Sal (Sally) was a woman. If you saw Sally, you would have thought she was a woman. Well, Sally made this toast and deepened his voice at the same time. Ah, the look on that guy’s face who was trying to pick up Sally was great. Let’s just say that was the last time I peed my pants from laughing so hard.


5. TO ALL MY BITCHES WHO GAVE ME THE ITCHES.
Some toasts were not meant to be out loud. This one would be the prime example. You see, my friend Perry should have kept this one to himself. He made this toast in front of a few of us and his new girlfriend. After he said this, I turned to her and said, “Thank God you didn’t sleep with this crabby bastard yet.” She just turned to Perry and was giving him the dirtiest look I have ever seen. She broke up with Perry that night and spread it around about Perry’s condition. To say it stopped Perry’s social schedule would be an understatement. Let me put it to you this way. Perry is now dating his hand.

6. HERE’S TO THAT FILTHY EX-WIFE SLUT OF MINE WHO WAS SCREWING MY BEST FRIEND BEHIND MY BACK WHILE I WAS AT WORK.
I love being single and spending Valentine’s Day with my single bitter friends. It just makes my being alone so much nicer. Well, my recently divorced friend Stuart made this toast and brought the sad tone of the night to a new depth. You see, Stuart said this at the exact same time his ex-wife walked in the bar we were at with a few of her single female friends. She heard every word and started screaming at Stuart who started screaming back. After about a minute, they stopped and his ex-wife and her single friends left. Nice, Stuart, real nice. Way to be a bummer and a cock-blocker all in one. Her friends were cute!

7. THIS TOAST IS FOR MY BALLS, THEY’RE BIG AND PINK
WITH THEIR BOILS AND ALL.
Some people you just can’t take out in public. My friend George would be one of those people. The nicer the occasion, the more inappropriate George will get. And so on this night, I should have expected nothing less. We were at our friend’s Mom’s 70th birthday party. We were all given a chance to say something nice about our friend’s mom before everybody, and there were a lot of “older” distinguished people there. I got up and said something quite nice about our friend’s mom. And then came George. After he delivered this toast, all I heard was choking, coughing and gasps aplenty from the crowd. Shit, I swear one older lady even crapped her pants, because there was an unpleasant odor permeating throughout the room shortly after George’s jackass toast.


8. RAISE ‘EM HIGH AND HARD FOR KISS, THEY ROCK LOUD AND WILD LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.
There’s nothing more displeasing than a Kiss fan, unless of course it is a Huey Lewis and the News fan. Once my friend, Sarah, made this toast, my body did something weird. It wanted to throw up and spit at the same time, mainly in her general direction. If you haven’t guessed it by now, Sarah is what you might call a Nascar-watchin’, Coors-Light swillin’, pickup-drivin’ cracker. She is a big Kiss fan. You cannot have a conversation with her without having her bring up Kiss. We were almost through the night without one mention of it, and then she busts out with this little toast. And unfortunately, she was dead serious when she said this. I just told her Kiss rocks about as hard Bon Jovi. I meant this sarcastically. She agreed with me anyway. I told you—a cracker!



9. HERE’S TO OUR FRIEND JIM KNASS FOR TAKING ONE IN THE ASS.
Our friend Jim Knass was a good guy who for a short time got into some money trouble. So when Jim’s was hauled off to jail for numerous unpaid parking tickets, we were all a little sad. When Jim got out of jail a short time later, we had a welcome home party for him. Jim seemed to have lost his easy-going way. He seemed bothered. And then at his party, our friend William made this toast. Obviously, it was a joke about prison rape. But the way Jim started crying made us feel that maybe there was some truth to this toast. Ah, poor Jim. I just hope he didn’t have to toss any salads too.


10. HERE’S TO GOOD FRIENDS. TONIGHT IS KIND OF SPECIAL.
My friend Jack made this toast and it actually got him laid. It was a good night out. We had good odds. It was just Jack and I ten girls. We are all at this big table, and then Jack stands up, raise his glasses, and breaks out with this toast. All the women loved it. One of them actually sighed. I quickly told them Jack didn’t just make that up. It’s from a beer commercial. Did they believe me? No! I couldn’t let Jack get away with this. He just smiled at me. All of the women said how sweet and great Jack was. I just kept screaming, “He stole that toast from a damn beer commercial! It’s from a Lowenbrau commercial! Doesn’t anyone remember that?” Jack eventually slept with one of those women later that night. I didn’t end up with anybody because of the toast I made. Let’s just say never use the words diarrhea and gonorrhea in a toast. Turns the ladies off.

FRIDAYS DRUNKEN RANT (ON SUNDAY) PRESENTS: STAR WARS BORES

Why do people insist on seeing movies the second they open? I mean, I just don’t get it. Why would someone feel they have to see the movie immediately? I suppose I could understand if it was a special engagement and the movie was only going to play for one week. Then I get it. But why deal with the crowds and the crap just to be the first one to see the movie? Why, damn it?

What really brought this to the forefront again was the release of the new, and thank God, last Star Wars movie. Someone told me they went to see the new Star Wars movie at the very first screening. They were actually beaming about this. I mean, I think they actually wanted me to shake their hand or throw them a damn parade! For what? Listen, numbnuts, no one cares you were the first one to see the Stars Wars movie, and actually, now most people will be kind of creeped out by you. They may not say it outright, but they will be thinking, “I wonder how the hell this jackhole stuffed himself into his Yoda costume?” I hate to break it you, but you’re a second-rate Trekkie.

I can understand seeing a movie more than once. Sometimes we just enjoy a movie so much and it just stirs something nice in us making us want to relive that moment. But to do this you do not need to see the movie the second it comes out. And to take this one step further, you do not need to wait in line for weeks waiting for a movie to come out so you can say you were the first to see it. I hate to be the one to break it you, Seymour Knuts, but there was probably a hundred other people in the theater at the same time as you, so you weren’t the first. You were only one of the many. I mean, what is it you want? To tell your other creepy friends that you were the first one to buy a ticket and you were the first one in the theater dressed as Princess Leia? Whoop-dee-doo!!! I bet once you shared this information with a coworker, they probably wanted to know what the hell is wrong with you. Which begs the question—What the hell is wrong with you?

THE SUNDAY NIGHT STORY PRESENTS: THE NUN GOES TO COURT

THE IS THE FINAL PART OF THIS STORY. THE FIRST TWO PARTS ARE DIRECTLY BELOW THIS. IT WOULD BE BEST IF YOU READ THEM FIRST, IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THEM ALREADY.

Today I would find redemption in court. Today I would finally right a wrong. Today I would triumph over evil and put balance back into my universe. Today this nun was going to get her salvation, so to speak. Everything was going beautifully. Sabrina spent the night last night and we had made sweet love for hours. We were finally getting back together. I mean, she was more into me now than ever before. She kept saying things like, “We need to always stick together. We belong together. Promise me we’ll stand by each other through good times and bad. Promise me our love will endure.” What could I say? She said this during our sexual romp. I totally promised her. I was so elated I even got up and put on our song on the CD player—“Against All Odds” by Phil Collins. That Phil Collins is a fucking genius!

We eventually got up and rounded up Eddie and we all piled in my car and headed off to the courthouse. Eddie still seemed apprehensive about helping me and he just seemed a little uncomfortable the whole ride over there, but as long as he did what he was supposed to do, all would be fine. We stopped so I could use the ATM and get some cash. When I came back to the car, Eddie was sitting in the driver’s seat and he and Sabrina were having a heated argument. I strolled up, opened the driver’s side door and said, “So, what the hell’s going on? And what are you doing in my seat?” There was a bit of a pause and Eddie just said, “Hey, bro, let me drive. You just sit back and relax.” I was skeptical about his motives, but I relented. I deserved to relax. Today was my day.

Well, Eddie, the asshole, took the extremely long way to get to the courthouse. In fact, he took so long we were almost late. We pulled into the parking lot and there were no spaces to be found. So now because of Eddie, we have to find street parking, and fast. But before he could pull out of the lot, I said, “Just drop Sabrina and I off and you go park the car and meet us inside.” Sabrina and I got out and Eddie tore off in my car with reckless abandonment. What an asshole.

We ran to the courtroom where I was supposed to be, I signed in, and five seconds later they called my name. Thank God, just in the nick of time. I took my seat up front, and then the judge came out. The bailiff called out my case and away we went. The judge right away asked me why I was fighting the ticket because the photo doesn’t lie. I replied with, “Au contraire, Your Honor, but it does.” He just gave me a stern look. All of the sudden, he looked really familiar. God, I hope he isn’t one of my parents’ friends or something. He then allowed me to explain myself. And, boy, did I ever.

I explained to him that earlier in the day I went to a costume party with my roommate and we ran into my ex-girlfriend there. My roommate, Eddie, was dressed up as me. Eddie and my now girlfriend regrettably ended up kissing and I got upset and drank too much to drown my sorrows. I was too drunk to drive, so Eddie drove me home in my car and that is Eddie in the picture, not me. So, the ticket rightfully belongs to Eddie. I was so proud of myself for explaining this that when I stopped I thought everybody in the room was going to start applauding. But there was no applause. Just dead silence.

About 15 seconds went by and then the judge spoke. He said, “That is you, not your roommate over there in this picture driving.” I said, “No, Your Honor, it’s Eddie. He was dressed up as me for the costume party.” The judge replied with, “The date on this is the Saturday of Memorial Day weekend. Who has a costume party in May?” I said, “Your Honor, my friends Channing and Bridget throw weird parties like this because they don’t subscribe to the standard holidays. They think they’re too commercialized.” The judge just gave me a perplexed stare. I then added, “Oh, they’re white.” He just nodded and said, “Ah, say no more.”

The judge then had Sabrina come up and back up my story. Sabrina basically said the same thing I said. She also added that her and I were back together and that I am an upstanding member of the community. And then it was Eddie’s turn to back up my story. And at first, Eddie was basically saying the same things I had said, only for his version the judge started asking him questions. He didn’t do this for Sabrina. Why was he doing it for Eddie?

He was asking Eddie what happened between him and Sabrina? I was like, what in the hell does that have to do with the ticket? Eddie started saying that they were talking for a while at the party. He said he and Sabrina both agreed they had been attracted to each other for a while. And then they eventually just made out. Then the judge asked Eddie if he really drove home and Eddie said that he did. The judge still had a confused look on his face. He looked at the picture a little closer, looked up and said, “Well, where is your friend in this picture? He didn’t say where he was.” Eddie just went, “Oh, he was passed out.” The judge said, “So he was in the backseat?” Eddie said, “No, he was passed out in the front seat.” The judge asked Eddie how he could drive with someone’s feet across his lap. And that’s when Eddie said, “No, Your Honor, his feet weren’t across my lap, his face was.”

I just put my head in my hands. Sabrina just gasped. The judge just started choking. He quickly drank some water, paused, and asked Eddie if he knew that receiving oral pleasure while driving was a violation called reckless driving. Eddie quickly said, “Oh, no, Your Honor, I’m not gay. He may be, but I’m not. You see, he couldn’t pass out in the backseat because the silly bastard threw up all over his backseat.” All of sudden, the judge’s eyes lit up and he said, “Wait. Was he dressed up as a nun?” Eddie said, “Yeah, he was. How did you know that?” Then the judge sternly replied with, “My wife and I were the couple in the next lane watching him throw up and fart. We were both sickened by this display.”

The judge then turned to me and said, “Do you think it’s funny to dress up as a nun and act like a schmuck in public?” And before I could answer, the judge turned back to Eddie and said, “Now, did you have any drinks at the party?” Eddie responded with, “No, sir, I am the responsible one. I was the designated driver that night.” And then he paused about ten seconds and said, “Besides, I was taking medication that night so I couldn’t drink.” The judge asked, “Medication for what?” Eddie just calmly said, “Oh, sir, for the clap. You know. The judge just shook his head and said, “Well, what happened next?” And what does Eddie do. He doesn’t tell the judge about him running the red light. He tells him how later that night he drove back to the party, took Sabrina to her place and ended up having sex with her. The judge then said, “Son, I meant what happened next, meaning did you drive through that red light?”

I immediately turned to Sabrina and said, “Is this true? Is it!” And she said, “I am so sorry, but you promised me we would endure no matter what, remember?” I said, “You tricked me into saying that while we were having sex! I shouldn’t be held accountable for anything I said while I having sex. I’m not thinking with my right head, damn it!” And then all of the sudden the judge jumps into this conversation and says, “Wait. Miss, did you have unprotected sex with both of these guys?” I’m like, “What the hell does this have to do with my ticket?” The judge just goes, “Shut up in my courtroom, you schmuck. Miss, did you?” Sabrina turned to me, turned to Eddie and then turned to the judge and said, “Yes.” And what does the judge do. He just blurts out, “Holy shit, son, you got a ticket and the clap!” And then he just starts laughing really, really hard.

The judge laughs hysterically for about a minute before he finally composes himself. And then he just turns to me and says, “Son, I’m sorry, but I don’t buy your story. I mean, a costume party in May? I don’t believe any of your story, except for the part where the lady had unprotected sex with both of you guys and ended up giving you the clap. No one could make something like that up. I hereby order you to pay for this ticket. Son, I guess this’ll teach you not to go around dressed up as a nun just for kicks. Case dismissed.” Great. Just great. I was so proud of myself for my explanation and argument about that night. I was so damn proud I expected applause, but in the end all I got was the clap. Fuck!

We all walked in silence back to the car, right after I paid my ticket. Eddie didn’t have any money on him and he just happened to leave his wallet at home. And when we get to the car, what should I find. I find a fucking parking ticket on the window. Eddie parked my car in the red zone! I just crumpled up the ticket and threw it into my car. Eddie got back into the driver’s seat and we pulled away. On the drive, there is complete silence except for a classic rock station playing. We are all sitting there just staring straight forward when all of a sudden “Against All Odds” by Phil Collins comes on. So as we’re cruising towards the free clinic, all I hear is Phil Collins singing:

I wish I could just make you turn around
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now
Well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now
'Cause there’s just an empty space

Just an “empty space,” Phil? I beg to differ. All that’s left to remind me is the clap where the empty space used to be. That Phil Collins is a fucking idiot!!!