FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS....
FRIDAY’S DRUNKEN RANT IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY… SANTA CLAUS: BREAKING INTO YOUR HOUSES AND LEAVING HIS TRASH FOR OVER 200 YEARS, Y’ALL!
Now, I know this is the time of the year to be festive, at least that’s what I’ve been told. And on a side note, why is it only this time of year to be festive? Really says a lot about Valentine’s Day in February, huh? Well, back to the point. Each year, the Christmas season comes a little earlier. Hell, this year on November 1, I saw stores with Christmas decorations and other Christmas assorted nonsense out for sale. I mean, what ever happened to the decency of waiting before trying to con us into buying useless crap for Christmas and then wrapping it up with a complete waste of material called wrapping paper? I mean, what the hell!!!!
Well, this year had to be the worst. Now, it wasn’t the stores and the constant bombardment of “sale” items marked up for the holidays, it was the actual shoppers themselves. I thought this year I would try to get into the spirit of Christmas more by actually going to stores and shopping, not doing it all on-line like I usually do. So instead of spending my money exclusively at www.fruitcakesfruitcakesfruitcakes.com, I went to the mall. It was here I learned this is not the time of year to be festive.
Just trying to find a parking space at my local mall was hell. I had people actually curse at me when I would park saying that was their spot. I mean, one lady actually got out of her car, got in her walker and tried to walk me down. I mean, what does she think? Does she think those handicapped spots really apply during this busy time? I mean, how inconsiderate of her. The next problem was once I got in the stores, the crowds and the lines and the mess. I was so startled by it, I actually farted. It wasn’t on purpose. I usually fart when I get scared. So, on another side note, never go to a haunted house with me.
First off, the crowds were huge. They were people everywhere. It was like everyone brought their whole extended family to watch them shop. I could have sworn two families were having their damn family reunions in the “female needs” aisle. What jack-holes would have a freakin’ family reunion at Big Lots? The second problem was the lines. They were longer than the lines at Disneyland for “It’s a Small World So There’s Nowhere For You To Hide, You Asshole” ride. They actually had signs up saying your wait from this point is 30 minutes. Unfortunately for them they had these signs on dry erase boards. So I took it upon myself to change those signs to “You Must Be At Least This Honky To Shop Here.” Man, were some people pissed off. The third problem was the mess. Everything was disorganized, nothing was where it was supposed to be and there was a plethora of trash around. I mean, literally, I’ve seen cleaner prostitutes at www.discountprostitutesandtoiletpaper.com. I mean, what the hell!!!
And on top of all this, it seemed like every kid in these stores was either screaming, crying or pissing themselves. The only good fun I had was trying to figure out what kid belonged to whom. Most of the parents in there looked really young. Seeing some couples together was frightening. I mean, the couples either looked hideous or related in a brotherly/sister fashion. Trying to figure out which demonic offspring was theirs was the most fun I’ve ever had shopping. It was like putting a puzzle together and then having that puzzle scare the living hell out of you. Seriously, when I did realize what some of these inbreds produced, it scared me so much I farted. See earlier comment for relation to this.
All in all, I couldn’t take it. I had to leave the mall and venture back home to my land of Cheetos, Budweiser, and dial-up Internet. So, instead of people getting what they really wanted this holiday season, they got either a fruitcake, a prostitute or toilet paper. Festive my ass!!!!
Now, I know this is the time of the year to be festive, at least that’s what I’ve been told. And on a side note, why is it only this time of year to be festive? Really says a lot about Valentine’s Day in February, huh? Well, back to the point. Each year, the Christmas season comes a little earlier. Hell, this year on November 1, I saw stores with Christmas decorations and other Christmas assorted nonsense out for sale. I mean, what ever happened to the decency of waiting before trying to con us into buying useless crap for Christmas and then wrapping it up with a complete waste of material called wrapping paper? I mean, what the hell!!!!
Well, this year had to be the worst. Now, it wasn’t the stores and the constant bombardment of “sale” items marked up for the holidays, it was the actual shoppers themselves. I thought this year I would try to get into the spirit of Christmas more by actually going to stores and shopping, not doing it all on-line like I usually do. So instead of spending my money exclusively at www.fruitcakesfruitcakesfruitcakes.com, I went to the mall. It was here I learned this is not the time of year to be festive.
Just trying to find a parking space at my local mall was hell. I had people actually curse at me when I would park saying that was their spot. I mean, one lady actually got out of her car, got in her walker and tried to walk me down. I mean, what does she think? Does she think those handicapped spots really apply during this busy time? I mean, how inconsiderate of her. The next problem was once I got in the stores, the crowds and the lines and the mess. I was so startled by it, I actually farted. It wasn’t on purpose. I usually fart when I get scared. So, on another side note, never go to a haunted house with me.
First off, the crowds were huge. They were people everywhere. It was like everyone brought their whole extended family to watch them shop. I could have sworn two families were having their damn family reunions in the “female needs” aisle. What jack-holes would have a freakin’ family reunion at Big Lots? The second problem was the lines. They were longer than the lines at Disneyland for “It’s a Small World So There’s Nowhere For You To Hide, You Asshole” ride. They actually had signs up saying your wait from this point is 30 minutes. Unfortunately for them they had these signs on dry erase boards. So I took it upon myself to change those signs to “You Must Be At Least This Honky To Shop Here.” Man, were some people pissed off. The third problem was the mess. Everything was disorganized, nothing was where it was supposed to be and there was a plethora of trash around. I mean, literally, I’ve seen cleaner prostitutes at www.discountprostitutesandtoiletpaper.com. I mean, what the hell!!!
And on top of all this, it seemed like every kid in these stores was either screaming, crying or pissing themselves. The only good fun I had was trying to figure out what kid belonged to whom. Most of the parents in there looked really young. Seeing some couples together was frightening. I mean, the couples either looked hideous or related in a brotherly/sister fashion. Trying to figure out which demonic offspring was theirs was the most fun I’ve ever had shopping. It was like putting a puzzle together and then having that puzzle scare the living hell out of you. Seriously, when I did realize what some of these inbreds produced, it scared me so much I farted. See earlier comment for relation to this.
All in all, I couldn’t take it. I had to leave the mall and venture back home to my land of Cheetos, Budweiser, and dial-up Internet. So, instead of people getting what they really wanted this holiday season, they got either a fruitcake, a prostitute or toilet paper. Festive my ass!!!!
posted by Cruzbomb at 10:13 PM
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