Top ten worst Halloween costumes I ever chose

Top Ten Tuesdays Presents

Top ten worst Halloween costumes I ever chose

1.      A nun

Now, this may not seem so bad, and frankly, I liked it. It was the result of me dressing as a nun that caused this to be a horrible choice. Well, you see, I went to Catholic school for so many years, and was subjected to battling nuns for supremacy for my delicate and tender shaping years. Now, when I was going to school then, the nuns were allowed to hit you, and even though I was as close to an angel as you could get, they treated me like my face was the airport for their fist-landing outbursts. So, when I was dressed as a nun when I was about 24, I was strolling along with my friends on the street to a party. It is here I noticed people were pointing at me along the way, and then subsequently following me. My friends thought I was paranoid. But then finally I noticed a mob was following us. Then I heard one of them yell, "Sister Mary Gallagher, you are going to pay!!!" I turned around to see a mob charging at me. My friends laughed as I screamed really loudly and made a run for it. As they chased me, I was able to squirm out of my costume and show them I was not SMG. So, what did they do? They stopped all right, until one shouted, "My God, you look exactly the same!" First off, how am I to be confused with an old nun? And secondly, how and why did they ever see their own masked marauder without her old black and whites on? And thirdly, I was naked. It was an unseasonably hot night and the choice to free-ball it made things more comfortable, until now. So, I ran home naked that night what seemed past every grandma out with their grandchildren. Nothing is worse than having grandmas either gasp or shout out, "Look, it's a light switch... in the off position." How the hell am I supposed to be erect while running for my life, you damned battle-axes!

2.      Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz

Sure, I know what you're thinking. And for your information, I am not gay. I prefer to fail with only one sex. Well, I was going to a group-type Halloween party, meaning you and your friends are supposed to dress up as a similar theme. Well, some friends of mine agreed on the Wizard of Oz, only I drew the short straw and got Dorothy. Well, I went and got a Dorothy costume, and actually went all out. I really looked like Dorothy. I then drove to the party. I get there and walk in, and to my surprise, it is an all-male gay party. My friends found out and canceled without telling me. Now, walking into a party like this dressed as a Judy Garland character made my night a living hell. I was like a god, only all my worshippers were men who forced me to sing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" 10 million fucking times. The last thing I remember was someone giving me Ecstasy. After that, I think I may have had a good time.

3.      Alfalfa from the Little Rascals

Now, once again, I thought this was a good costume choice. I really looked and played the part well. My friends and I were going from party to party and everyone was loving my costume, until we got to the last party. Then I ran into a drunken midget dressed as Spanky. This dude saw me and immediately started cursing at me. I'm like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" He just goes, "You took Darla away from me, you fetus-face motherfucker!" I just start laughing and say, "That's just 'cause you were always spanking it." Well, he did not like this and charged at me. So there I am having a damn fight with a drunken midget Spanky in the middle of a Halloween costume party in front of about 100 people. At first, I am just defending myself, until mid-level rummy starts punching my swinging parts. Then I lose it and tackle him into a bunch of guys dressed as nuns who then proceed to start whacking us both with their yardsticks. I hate fucking irony.

4.      A clown

I felt this was an awesome costume. I got a great clown costume with bright orange hair and all that crazy clown makeup and a big ass shoes. I was excited. I was stoked. There was a slight problem. You see, I was meeting my girlfriend at a costume party, but there was a rumor floating around about this girl named Shelia and me, like I had slept with her the night before. So, my girlfriend sounded upset on the phone when I spoke to her earlier and said we needed to talk. So, okay. I get to the party, and everyone is digging my costume, and I see my girlfriend across the street, and she is talking with Shelia, and Shelia is pointing at me, and then my girlfriend screams. And what does she do? She starts running away. So, I am scared that she thinks I cheated on her. So I started running after her. My girlfriend is screaming and crying as I chase her up and down the block in front of horrified onlookers. People are trying to stop me. Some are screaming in horror and diving in bushes as I run by. Finally, I catch up to my girlfriend and stop her. She starts screaming frantically, "I am scared of clowns, you pig!" So I quickly turn her so she is not facing me, and say, "Sorry, but I just want you to know, I never slept with Shelia." Through her tears, my girlfriend says, "I know you didn't. I know because I have been sleeping with Shelia for weeks, and I want to break up." I then calmly turned her around, and let her go. She then took two steps back, and I let out a high-pitched scream, resumed the chase yelling, "Clowns will eat your brains." I chased that screaming fool all the way home.

5.      My friend Stan

Growing up, people would often comment how much Stan and I looked like brothers, even though we had no relation according to my dad, who would always start sweating when I asked him this question. Well, anyway, after coming home from my girlfriend's house after I begged her to have sex with me (don't ask) and she threw me a bone, I was as happy as Lindsey Lohan at all-night kegger party. So, I get home, and I borrow Stan's clothes, put on a fake moustache to match his, put on his one and only Mork and Mindy baseball cap, and proceed to the Halloween party. Stan had to stay in because he was not feeling well. Well, I walk into the party and I actually fool a bunch of people.  Some think I am Stan and that he didn't dress up at all. After they learn the truth, they think it is hilarious. So, I am getting a drink at the party when I see my girlfriend, Beatrice, outside. She is dressed as a Peter Griffin from Family Guy for some godforsaken reason. Well, she sees me and rushes over to me. She then lays a huge kiss on me. I knew I couldn't fool her. Well, she immediately pulls me into the bathroom and begins to undress me and herself as well. And then for the second time today, we start going at it. It is so hot, like in one of those all British pornos where they have manners and tea. Finally, after thoroughly huffing and puffing my way through this ever-so polite sex, she turns to me and utters out, "Take the condom off. Don't worry about my STD." That's when my rocket began descending back to Earth. I was like, "What the fuck!" She then says, "My STD, the one you gave to me." I then retort with, "We have had sex once in the last two months, counting this afternoon. What the fuck are you talking about?" She then says, "Stan, don't be a jerk. I am carrying your child." I then stripped off my moustache, went to scream at her, but all that came out was vomit. And it went all over her. And what doe she do? What she always does when she gets scared and overwhelmed-- she craps. So, she sits on the toilet and begins crapping her brains out. And that was my last image of her as I strolled right out and to my primary care physician for a little necessary bloodwork.

6.      A large poo

Yes, yes, I know. That is disgusting. But really, is it not a creative and bold costume choice? I got a bunch of brown trash bags, gave them the appearance of being crinkly and somewhat wet, glued various things on them like corn, nuts, red peppers, lettuce and blood for some good extra measure. And to top it all off, I consumed so much chili and grape juice that day, I was ready to make this costume look and smell as authentic as they come. Well, people were disgusted and dying laughing when they saw me. But the piece de resistance for this costume was my constant barrage of backside explosions causing me to smell like the real deal. I was given carte blanche (by me, of course) to expel noxious odors in the air as I saw fit. And I saw fit all night. Well, the problem here is I got very drunk throughout the night. In fact, I got so drunk, I lost my ride and ended up wandering down the street, threw up (which scared some people to no end, watching an excrement excrete) and then passed out on a warm front lawn. Occasionally, I would hear people walk by and gasp and even scream sometimes. Well, the next morning I woke up and realized I had passed out on someone's lawn that was covered in fertilizer. To make matters worse, I had to walk to the nearest pay phone still dressed as a shit because all I had on underneath was underwear. People were not so amused in the morning with a 5'8" turd wandering past their windows as they shoveled in their breakfast. At least I found out what you have to wear to get Starbucks to refuse to serve you.

7.      Curley from Three Stooges

Dressing up like the Three Stooges is always an awesome choice. In this case, it just was the absolute wrong decision because of my two friends who chose to dress up with me-- Maurice and Johnny. Maurice dressed as Moe and Johnny went as Larry. Now, if you have ever seen the Stooges, you know Moe is the bossy one who slaps and pokes people in the eyes, and Larry is-- well he is Larry. Well, on this occasion, we went to a party together. When we got there, everyone wanted us to get into character. Well, we didn't agree on this fortunately. We wanted to just enjoy the party. But then as things go, one thing leads to another, and after a couple of hours of drinking jackass-in-public soup, Moe and Larry wanted to perform "our" act. The unfortunate thing for  all, and mainly me, was that we did not have an act. But Moe and Larry decided we could easily improvise, and so we went on with the show. Well, the damn show was Moe whacking both Larry and I with pots and pans over the head and poking us in the eyes. It was so bad Larry and I were both bleeding from wounds from our heads. But this was not the worst thing. Apparently, Larry, either because he is a moron or because of the head injury, starts taking off all his clothes and dancing around the kitchen trying to dry hump Curley (me). Try to picture a naked Larry Fine doing this to you while he has a freakin' erection for some fucked-up reason. Well, Curley grew tired of this, as anyone would, and decided to do the Curley shuffle right into their groins, ala Karate Kid. So, after all Moe and Larry did-- the sick degenerates-- I was the one the crowd turned on, and then was promptly asked to leave the party. Let's just say this was only made better by the fact that it was before the advent of YouTube, thank the Lord.

8.      Robin from Batman & Robin

Why the hell would I dress as the Boy Wonder I still wonder to this day. Who in their right mind wants to be Robin when they could be the Caped Crusader? I might as well just have gone as Alfred or Batgirl. But, no, I allowed myself be talked into going as Robin so my roommate could go as Batman. To make matters worse, my roommate was like a foot taller than me. Well, off we go to a party with Batman and his little son Robin. So, we get to the party and everyone thinks I am just adorable in my little tights with my dad Batman. Well, Batman at the party decides he needs to hit on every woman at the party, whether she has a boyfriend with her or not. So, he gets a number of guys who wants to kick his ass, and naturally, they think the Boy Wonder is on his side. So now, I am hated as well. And if you are one of these dickless wonders, what do you do-- pick a fight with a hulking Batman or a small underdeveloped Robin? I was yelled at, threatened and even chased by these morbidly drunken excuses for male chaperones. Finally, one took a swing at me after he yelled at Batman and Batman chased him. Fortunately, he missed and I gave him the Curley shuffle in the nuts and got the hell out of there before all the guys went Moe on me. To make matters worse, on the way home, everyone thought I was about 10 years old and asked me if I needed a phone to call my parents. So, I kicked them all in the nuts as well.

9.      Jim Morrison from the Doors

The Lizard King was an awesome rock star and a great choice for a costume, but he also had a reputation for outlandish things. So, when you are dressed as someone, they expect you to be exactly like that. So, when I went out, people expect you to take every drink and drug offered and act like you are some damn carny at an all-night orgy or something. Well, I am not like that, but I am easily persuaded. So, what do I get myself into? I get drunk as hell on whisky and other assorted items and find myself on the roof of this house with people chanting for me to jump into the pool. Well, I make a run for it, slip and catch my leather pants on some antenna on the roof and rip them as I tumble off the roof towards the pool. I land on a group of girls all dressed as Brittany Spears for some reason and we all, thank God, do land in the freezing pool. When I submerge, I expect people to be cheering, but all I hear is groans and the grumbling of the Spears family circus. When I look at my trail from the roof to the pool I realize something happened when I slipped and tumbled off the roof-- I crapped myself. I guess I was a little scared and also forgot I always get diarrhea after drinking cheap whisky. So, I just get out of the pool with my shrinkage problem and wander past the Hersey Highway and head to my car with nothing hung high. Well, you wanted Jim Morrison? You got him.

10.  An umpire

I have always wanted to dress like someone from baseball, but all I could get my hands on was an umpire costume. So, alas, I went as an umpire. And when I went to a party, I really got into character. When someone would act too drunk at the party, I would shout, "You are outta here!" I would stand next to some girls and listen to guys try to pick them up. Every time one of the guys would have a horrible pick-up line, I would yell "Strike one," "strike two," and then "strike three!" I felt so freaking powerful, I was acting so confident with women. In fact, I made out with three different women who were dressed as baseball players. I even took one home with me that night and we "umped" all night long. The problem was the girl I took home looked like a babe, but in the morning she looked like Babe Ruth. Damn ump and baseball themed pickups. That's what I get.