FRIDAY'S DRUNKEN RANT PRESENTS: CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS
Ah, the sweet pleasures of booze. The pleasant taste of it as it gently caresses my throat just before it presents its all-out assault on my brain cells. There is just something magical about it. Tonight’s drink of choice is Peppermint Schnapps, to keep in with the Christmas spirit. Tonight’s topic is on people and their damn Christmas decorations in front of their house.
First off, I don’t mind some decorations and lights on a house. It gives me that warm feeling inside, kind of like the feeling booze gives me right before it decides to expel itself out of my mouth and onto the unfortunate person next to me, but that is neither here nor there. I like walking down the street (usually on my way to the bar) and check out the Christmas lights on the houses, but what really pisses me off is when someone has crossed the line from decorating their home to making it into a Vegas-style whorehouse with inflatable dildos on the damn lawn!
Okay, maybe I didn’t see any dildos, but they might as well have been. I mean, I am constantly seeing shit on people’s lawns and rooftops that doesn’t have a damn thing to do with any holiday I ever heard of. There was one damn house with an inflatable Mickey Mouse on the front lawn surrounded by red lights. What in the fuck does this have to do with the holidays? What moron did this thinking this has anything to do with anything? Mickey Mouse, you asshole? I could maybe understand the Grinch, but this is just absurd! I knew I had to do something. So, I wrote “eat me” on Mickey. At least now it means something.
Another house I saw had two big inflatable brown bears on their lawn with an inflatable Santa on the roof. The Santa thing I get, but the bears? And I wouldn’t have even known they were bears if I didn’t stop and do a little inspecting. I mean, when I first drove by, I thought it was Santa being attacked by two huge shits. And what added to this is that these people’s house did kind of have a “we’ve been eating too much chilli and pork rinds” kind of smell going on. I didn’t do anything to these decorations because I want people to see the two huge shits attacking Santa and realize their neighbors are morons.
But what really got me was this one house. It was the granddaddy of them all. They had so many damn lights all over their house and yard that you would swear it was a Las Vegas casino filled with whores and crack addicts and hustlers and pimps and an arcade for the kids. But the lights were just the beginning for these a-holes. It was their display on their front lawn that was the topper. On their lawn, they had a manger with the Baby Jesus in the middle. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. Many people have something like this. But did these people have Mary and Joseph and the three wise men surrounding Jesus? Oh, no, that wasn’t for them. You know who was surrounding Jesus? Snow White and the seven fucking Dwarfs and that damn donkey from Shrek! I remember seeing this and making a mental note—these people have completely lost it and will one day begin eating their young and then their neighbors. What in the hell does Snow White and the rest of the crew have to do with Jesus or Christmas or any holiday? I mean, why not just surround Jesus with the two huge shit bears from up the street, you tasteless bastards! Hell, why not replace Jesus in your manger set with Gary Coleman, you psychotic nimrods!
Now I can’t even look at people’s decorations when I drunkenly stumble down the street on my way to church. I just keep my eyes forward. But if you ever wanna join me, just go straight down PCH, make a left at the house with Three Stooges statues dressed in Santa outfits, go about a mile until you see a house with two huge roosters on the lawn standing under the banner that reads “Merry Christmas – Peace On Earth.” Go down about a block and make another right at the house with the two huge shits attacking Santa and my house is two houses down on the left. Happy holidays.
First off, I don’t mind some decorations and lights on a house. It gives me that warm feeling inside, kind of like the feeling booze gives me right before it decides to expel itself out of my mouth and onto the unfortunate person next to me, but that is neither here nor there. I like walking down the street (usually on my way to the bar) and check out the Christmas lights on the houses, but what really pisses me off is when someone has crossed the line from decorating their home to making it into a Vegas-style whorehouse with inflatable dildos on the damn lawn!
Okay, maybe I didn’t see any dildos, but they might as well have been. I mean, I am constantly seeing shit on people’s lawns and rooftops that doesn’t have a damn thing to do with any holiday I ever heard of. There was one damn house with an inflatable Mickey Mouse on the front lawn surrounded by red lights. What in the fuck does this have to do with the holidays? What moron did this thinking this has anything to do with anything? Mickey Mouse, you asshole? I could maybe understand the Grinch, but this is just absurd! I knew I had to do something. So, I wrote “eat me” on Mickey. At least now it means something.
Another house I saw had two big inflatable brown bears on their lawn with an inflatable Santa on the roof. The Santa thing I get, but the bears? And I wouldn’t have even known they were bears if I didn’t stop and do a little inspecting. I mean, when I first drove by, I thought it was Santa being attacked by two huge shits. And what added to this is that these people’s house did kind of have a “we’ve been eating too much chilli and pork rinds” kind of smell going on. I didn’t do anything to these decorations because I want people to see the two huge shits attacking Santa and realize their neighbors are morons.
But what really got me was this one house. It was the granddaddy of them all. They had so many damn lights all over their house and yard that you would swear it was a Las Vegas casino filled with whores and crack addicts and hustlers and pimps and an arcade for the kids. But the lights were just the beginning for these a-holes. It was their display on their front lawn that was the topper. On their lawn, they had a manger with the Baby Jesus in the middle. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. Many people have something like this. But did these people have Mary and Joseph and the three wise men surrounding Jesus? Oh, no, that wasn’t for them. You know who was surrounding Jesus? Snow White and the seven fucking Dwarfs and that damn donkey from Shrek! I remember seeing this and making a mental note—these people have completely lost it and will one day begin eating their young and then their neighbors. What in the hell does Snow White and the rest of the crew have to do with Jesus or Christmas or any holiday? I mean, why not just surround Jesus with the two huge shit bears from up the street, you tasteless bastards! Hell, why not replace Jesus in your manger set with Gary Coleman, you psychotic nimrods!
Now I can’t even look at people’s decorations when I drunkenly stumble down the street on my way to church. I just keep my eyes forward. But if you ever wanna join me, just go straight down PCH, make a left at the house with Three Stooges statues dressed in Santa outfits, go about a mile until you see a house with two huge roosters on the lawn standing under the banner that reads “Merry Christmas – Peace On Earth.” Go down about a block and make another right at the house with the two huge shits attacking Santa and my house is two houses down on the left. Happy holidays.
posted by Cruzbomb at 7:50 PM
0 comments
